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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

My ex is stalking me

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice My ex is stalking me

  • This topic has 18 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 3 months ago by LisforLeslie.
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  • #1095862 Reply
    LisforLeslie
    Guest

    The advice is to get help from law enforcement, not actually stop the stalker.

    I completely understand that if you look at advice from DV experts she shouldn’t respond. However… the police are not DV experts (although they should be). So if she tries to report it, the police will ask “did you tell him to stop” and she says “all of the experts said not to” it is highly likely that the police will be stupid and say “Well if you didn’t tell him to stop, then he doesn’t know to stop. Nothing we can do.”

    She can call her local police and ask their advice. If they “need” it, she can do it. If they have minimal awareness then they’ll advise her to not send the note and file a report.

    #1095863 Reply
    LisforLeslie
    Guest

    @Fyodor – big assumption that police are reading and following guidance. We know that some locales are really good about ignoring guidance and directives.

    #1095868 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    This part is exactly what the book The Gift of Fear (the LW should read it) says:

    “ If after leaving forty messages on her/his
    answering machine, the victim returns the call to demand
    that he/she stop, the lesson learned is that the cost of
    getting a call from her/him is to call and leave forty
    messages. It’s essential to cut off all contact.”

    #1095874 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Ok so I brought the book up on Kindle, and Gavin de Becker says that after ONE explicit rejection, there should be no more contact. You should not keep telling the guy to stop. The explicit rejection here, I assume, has already happened when she said she did not want to be in a relationship any longer. At this point, any response on her part just reached him what he needs to do to get a response.

    #1095882 Reply
    LisforLeslie
    Guest

    @Kate – I don’t disagree. I’ve read the Gift of Fear and it continues to hold up almost 25 years later. It’s something that every person should read.

    Sadly, when it comes to stalking, despite police having guidance, statistical evidence, years of experience they often don’t take it seriously. They dismiss men who have stalkers almost outright and tell women that “boys will be boys”. They are supposed to “protect” but sometimes they don’t want to be bothered.

    And don’t tell me about guidance – we know they ignore it – shit, last month a pregnant woman was run off the road by a policeman even though she explicitly followed guidance issued by police on their website (aka what to do when the police want to pull you over but you feel unsafe doing so).

    That’s why I amended my recommendation to call her local police and get their guidance. If they are following their own damn rules, they’ll advise her to not to send the message and they’ll request her name to start a history. If they’re idiots then they’ll advise her to send the message but again – there should be a record of the advice (I hope). Ultimately, if she feels unsafe, then she should call the police and start the paper trail.

    #1095888 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Actually GDB says not to involve the police. He says unless the guy is doing something directly illegal, what’s going to happen is the police will talk to him and that’s it. He’ll be emboldened. The first time the police interact with him should be to arrest him bc he did something illegal.

    I do think maybe the police should know that he has tried to get into her house. They should probably be aware, in case the behavior escalates. But look, he’s her EX. She broke up with him. That’s the rejection or “no.” I’m not sure they need to hear that she told him to stop trying to get in her house.

    Right now, very important to document everything and maybe alert the police that he’s trying to get in her house… but I also don’t think the police should talk to him yet.

    #1095905 Reply
    LisforLeslie
    Guest

    You’d think that right? That breaking up with someone is a clear sign that it’s over. But clearly this guy isn’t getting it.

    And I don’t know if that specific piece of advice about involving the cops is from 1997 or was updated in a more recent edition. Point being is that @Fyodor notes that police SHOULD be supporting victims of stalking by advising them to cease all contact whereas I’m noting that too often they don’t (but should be). And as a result – they want the line drawn and the stalking victim has to draw it.

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