Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

My ex is still on my mind

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  • #879781 Reply

    As silly as this sounds even when I’m typing it I cannot get my ex out of my mind .

    The hardest part of all this is we broke up over 10 years ago now. To be honest I don’t even remember why we broke up and he has moved on long ago and is now I believe happily married. Since we broke up he just won’t get out of my head – I cut ties with him, removed him from social media and don’t have his phone number anymore but I still can’t make it all go away.

    I was the one who ended things between us, I was stupid and made the complete wrong decision I don’t even remember why I did it but I listened to other people rather than my own heart and head. He was perfect, treated me so well and I let him go for all the wrong reasons. We’d been together for a little over 2 years. By the time I came to my senses it was too late, he was seeing someone else. I wanted him to be happy but also needed to know it was definitely over but it took him months to tell me it was totally over between us – despite the new relationship he was in he didn’t even seem willing himself to let go of the idea of us being together. He eventually did and it hurt like hell, I didn’t want to accept it but I had to .

    we’d been the best of friends both before and after our relationship but it was clear that his new partner (now wife) wanted nothing to do with me and didn’t want me in his life. From my point
    of view being friends with him was better than nothing at all, especially since we’d always been close. I was never given the chance to get to know his new girlfriend as she just didn’t want to know. It eventually became almost impossible to spend time together and his interest in being friends disappeared so I had to let him go.

    Since then I’ve had some relationships and am currently engaged – my fiancee is a great person and we’re going through a tough patch but I want to make it work. I know my ex isn’t just in my head because of the rough patch I am going through as he’s never really left.

    Someone once told me that nobody would love me like my ex did and that the way he looked at me spoke more than words could and that’s always stuck with me and makes it hurt so much that I let all of that go. I have sleepless nights, anxiety and guilt for not doing the right thing and staying with him.

    I feel awful every day that I had something so perfect and I let him go – I was stupid and it’s all my fault. In my heart and my head I feel like I still love him but he is married and I know realistically that nothing will ever happen with us again. It’s been 10 years and I feel like such an idiot for even still thinking about him.

    I just want the pain to go away and to stop thinking about how much I lost.

    #879788 Reply

    Hi JJ. It was not a “perfect relationship”. Firstly there is no relationship that is perfect. Second, if you had been so happy and confident in your relationship,no one could have talked you into breaking up with him. Then when he could have got back together,he stayed with and married his new girlfriend.
    This ten year old “love” is not love. It is a fantasy that it all would have worked out. Maybe you would be unhappily married to him . Maybe you would have broken up in a few more months. Maybe you two would have gotten divorced. Those are possible scenarios too.
    Maybe this old crush/obsession is the reason you argue/are having a rocky patch with your fiancee. Or you are focusing on the ex because you do not want to marry or marry this guy.
    I would think about these things and then book an appt. with a therapist. You need to understand this obsession and move on to a healthier life.

    #879790 Reply

    “Since then I’ve had some relationships and am currently engaged … “

    Well, that was a record scratch. Is it fair to agree to marry someone given the way you feel, no matter how much of a fantasy it is? (And it is a fantasy.)

    #879792 Reply

    You need to cancel the engagement. You are in a rough patch, so this may not be the right relationship for you. In any case, you are not ready to marry. If this guy can’t replace your ex as the key man in your mind/fantasies, then the relationship is seriously lacking. On the bright side, in two years you’ll regard current guy as 100% perfect — but only if you leave him.

    Really, if on the doorstep of marriage, your fiancé doesn’t clearly stand out as best ever and shove all desire to be back together with exes aside, then he isn’t the one and you do him a great disservice if you marry him.

    #879794 Reply

    This is what therapy is for. A good therapist can help you change harmful thought patterns that you get stuck in.

    But you need to break off this engagement. It would be outright cruel to marry this guy when you’re this hung up on someone else. The marriage will inevitably fall apart, and imagine how you would feel if your spouse told you they were in love with someone else when they married you.

    You need to get your emotional health sorted out before you even consider dating, let alone marrying someone.

    #879795 Reply

    Yeah, you have a whole fantasy in your head about the one who got away… but I bet much of it isn’t very grounded in reality.

    Go watch GONE WITH THE WIND as there is a character in that film who has the same exact problem…

    #879841 Reply

    Why did you break up with him originally?

    I agree that your best bet is to find a therapist ASAP. Can your engagement be saved? Do you love your fiancé? If you still believe you’ll never love anyone as much as your ex from so long ago, you should do the right thing and back off this engagement. Your fiancé deserves to have someone love him.

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