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Dear Wendy

My ex moved on with his best friend and now i’m hurt??

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  • #878236 Reply

    I’ll try to keep this as short and to the point as possible:

    Back in August, I broke up with my boyfriend who I’ve been dating for about 2 years (we broke up once before that but in total it’s been about two years). I broke up with him because i was starting college and I wanted a fresh slate. I felt like I was outgrowing the relationship and I wanted time to be independent (same reason he broke up with me prior to the finale).

    We still agreed to be friends during the breakup and we talked off and on. During the time we spoke, I noticed that he was spending a lot more time with his best friend (someone he barely spoke to while we were going out). We went to get breakfast one day around Christmas and he told me how she bought him a bunch of designer for Christmas and he got her an expensive bracelet for Christmas (cute). I asked him if they were “a thing” and he said they weren’t but after New Years, he told me that they were now in a relationship. My heart never dropped so fast.

    At first I was numb to the idea because I had a feeling they were a thing, but now it’s been really bothering me. I remember him telling me how he had a crush on her in the beginning of high school but got over it because she never showed interest in him. Now after we break up, she’s been showing interest and i guess he finally got the girl of his dreams. I expressed how happy I was for him (which i am, i wish him nothing but happiness) and left it at that.

    He asked if we could hang out a couple weeks later after the confession and I agreed. We ate at a restaurant and we talked about everything. He admitted that he thought I wanted nothing to do with him (which is exactly the OPPOSITE of what I told him during the break up) and that’s why he moved on. We talked about how I felt about the situation and I admitted to him just what I felt (I told him I cried like the idiot I am). I asked him if his girlfriend knew he was with me and he told me that she didn’t know and “they don’t get involved in each other’s personal endeavors.” Whatever that means. Despite all that, it was a really nice time. We caught up on a lot and it was a positive experience. Not to sound crazy, but there was an energy there. I don’t know if it was just awkwardness or left over intimate feelings but that was the last time we met up and i haven’t seen him since.

    We were supposed to hang out Valentine’s day (not my idea since that was a day he should’ve spent with his girlfriend). We were going to see a movie despite the circumstances but he randomly canceled. After that, I noticed he started talking to me less and this started to bother me as well. I told him that I don’t think we should be friends right now because I feel weird about his new relationship and I need time to get myself together because I don’t want to feel emotional every time we have a conversation and feel emotional every time we don’t.

    I was successful for about a month until yesterday he texted me to ask how I was doing in the middle of all the CoronaVirus stuff. He continued to have a conversation with me and then out of no where just stopped. Now, I’m back to the same feelings I was feeling before I told him we couldn’t speak anymore.

    I don’t know what I’m feeling right now. I’m obviously hurt about this whole situation. His best friend? Even if I wanted to reconcile, i feel like i can’t compete because they’ve been friends for so long. I feel regretful, like I shouldn’t have broken up with him. I miss him dearly, I want things to be back to the way they were. This was my best friend at one point, my high school sweetheart and now it’s all over. Maybe things will pass when I find someone else as well? I don’t know what to do and I just need some words of advice, a reality check, ANYTHING.

    #878237 Reply

    I think he’s being shady as hell and you’re better off without him in your life. God knows how many times I’ve been fed a similar line about ‘personal endeavours’ and it’s all been bull. Cut him off for a while, go enjoy being single as much as you can whole maintaining your social distance and I bet all those confusing feelings will melt away.

    #878241 Reply

    You broke up with him to be independent and have a fresh start. Have you really given yourself that?

    I would recommend blocking his number and really trying to move on. At best, he’s with someone else now. At worst, he’s playing games with you.

    You don’t have to try to be platonic friends with someone you dated. It’s clear your feelings are too strong to be a friend. It’s too painful. So move on.

    #878242 Reply

    I think you need to rethink being friends. At least for a while. A lot of people feel like they NEED to stay friends. I don’t know if it’s the idea that they think that’s a “successful” or mature breakup or what. I know that a lot of people feel like they HAVE to stay friends and don’t realize that’s just their feelings for that person that haven’t gone away yet. (If you’re truly over the person, you won’t feel like staying friends is something that has to happen so desperately. You see them like any other person, not like someone who is crucial to your happiness.)

    Either way, you’re not going to move on if you keep talking to him and hanging out with him all the time. You can tell him nicely that the breakup was harder than you expected and you want to take some time. Then later on, if you feel like you don’t care about being friends or not, then you know that you are ready to … or you may find you don’t care that much anymore.

    I think that you’re sort of fixating on who he moved on with and all the details unnecessarily. Y’all are not together any more, and he can date whoever he wants. I think you’re getting upset at the details when you’re really just sad and missing him and upset, like people always feel during a breakup.

    #878245 Reply

    “He admitted that he thought I wanted nothing to do with him (which is exactly the OPPOSITE of what I told him during the break up) and that’s why he moved on.”

    Well, he’s allowed to move on no matter what you said in the conversation, but yeah — typically when you break up, each person moves on. Your tone here makes it sound like he committed some sort of betrayal, but he didn’t. It doesn’t matter who he’s dating. You broke up with him. I don’t think he’s playing you at all. You can’t break up with him and still expect to keep him around and away from other women.

    You’re in college, and your instincts to spread your wings were correct. Find new pastures (though that’s hard during COVID-19), but you get the idea. Go forward, not backward.

    #878246 Reply

    Yeah. Sorry, I don’t see how the guy is a cad for moving on — AFTER you dumped him. And there is not necessarily anything amiss about meeting up with an Ex and not telling your new partner especially when nothing happened at said dinner.

    Surprise, surprise. Dumped people? They move on.

    #878258 Reply

    I have to clear some things up:

    I’m not in any way trying to say that he betrayed me. I expressed that I was happy for him, which is true despite how I may feel about it. I am well aware that people move on but That doesn’t mean I can’t feel a way about it.

    I’m not saying he’s a cad, either. I never bad mouthed him for moving on. I was expressing how I felt in response.

    Thanks for the responses.

    #878291 Reply

    You are allowed to have your feelings, but that doesn’t mean he’s done anything wrong. You’re struggling with your feelings of regret. Maybe you are feeling especially lonely right now, but you broke up with him and you need to distance yourself from him because you still have strong feelings for him. Every time you feel the urge to replay the relationship, or the months after, just stop yourself and distract yourself with something else.

    He may have just reached out because he does care about you, just not the same way you do anymore.

    It’s been a long time since you broke up with him and you still have a lot of feelings about what he does, with who he does it with, etc. You have to do what’s best for yourself right now and redirect, distract, whatever it takes to keep your mind off him. Distance. Time. These are the things that will help you move on. It’s over. Let it be fully over.

    #878389 Reply

    Clarification: My he’s not a cad post was more a response to another early poster or two who seemed awfully quick to say he was being shady, etc…

    #878394 Reply

    Normally I wouldn’t jump to a guy being shady but he was keeping his meeting with OP quiet, she confessed to still having messy feelings but he still arranged to meet up with her on valentines day? Not a good look, even if he did cancel.

    #878493 Reply

    You are in your freshman year of college and having a lot of changes, everything now is amplified with COVID-19, so it is normal to want to get back into a “safe” relationship. Your reasons for breaking up with him are still valid. It hurts when someone you love/loved loves someone else, but when you meet someone new you will feel much better.

    #880537 Reply

    You broke up with him for a fresh start. At that point, you must have had reasons for feeling he wasn’t th eone for you. Take the time to remind yourself what these were.

    You have to recognise that you and he have no right to care about each other’s romantic decisions – if you’re to be friends, it’s got to be 100% platonic. I’m wary of exes trying to be friends – I know it works sometimes, but a lot of the time people try to be friends because at least one person isn’t really over the whole thing, and research suggests it tends to end pretty badly when that’s the reason people try to be ‘friendly’. I’ve personally only ever seen it lead to grief because people are often in denial. The general rule is give it space straight afterwards, and slowly be friends as long as it’s not making either of you uncomfortable and it’s 100% platonic. And SOs are cool with it – not because SOs control their partner but because people have different boundaries for what they consider appropriate and if it upsets someone’s current partner it’s going to cause a lot of unnecessary pain and friction in someone’s relationship.

    Not everyone can make it work – and honestly, an ex is not worth ruining current or future relationships over or being involved in convoluted ‘are there still feelings? Are we friends? Why do I feel differently about his girlfriends?’ musings that suggest things are complicated. There are plenty of people in the world to have friendships with who you don’t have a complex or painful history with. If it hurts anyone at all to be friends with an ex, the best solution is to give it space.

    Please bear in mind that even if you don’t have feelings for him, he may still have feelings for you and be lying bnout it – people do, all the time. Yes, despite having a new girlfiend. And if you get that impression, unless you have feelings for him that you want to do something about, hanging out with him isn’t realy fair to him and is just going to make you feel like you’re leading him on.

    But it sounds like you do have feelings for him. It doesn’t mean you’re meant to be together or it was wrong to break up – breakups are often complex and can leave residual feelings. It’s hard to turn off old habits and treat a lover like a stranger. Which is precisely why trying to be just friends often doesn’t work. It takes time for things to die down and for us to realise our gut instincts were right.

    Perhaps deep down you’re feeling insecure because his new GF is someone you already knew and never saw as a threat, and now you’re re-evaluating what you knew of their past relationship, or maybe you were a little jealous of them before. Perhaps it’s just that they’ve known each other for ages. Btu the point is there now is no competition – she’s the best friend and the lover, and you’re an ex and maybe friend. You cannot claim him if he’s with someone else – and trying to still be friends doesn’t make him yours. When you broke up with him, you gave up your right to a special relationship with him – being just friends now means being *just* a friend. If that hurts, then it means you aren’t over him. You’ll be over him when memories are fond but distant and your heart doesn’t ache to not be special to him, any more.

    For what it’s worth, it’s inappropriate of him to keep it secret from his GF that hes seeing an ex, unless they’ve agreed to keep that to themselves. It’s also inappropriate for him to be secretly booking to see exes on Valentine’s, whether he cancelled or not.

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