January 28, 2021 at 7:03 pm #1009513CatGuest
My fiancé is 55 he has a daughter 26 with a former girlfriend that had a daughter from another relationship. The ex girlfriend raised both girls 26 and 30 now. After 5 years of us being together I found out that recently he has been FaceTiming, texting, and carrying on conversations. With the ex”s 30 yr old daughter on a daily basis. She will text him calling him hun and he just sent her $ secretly. He has never talked about her until I found the messages in his phone. Now he makes a point to delete all their conversations. Every morning I see a text “good morning hun how are you”.? What’s going on? Now I am seeing pics in his phone and he has told me she is his step daughter I haven’t ever heard him talk about her before, and why is she calling him hun?January 28, 2021 at 7:24 pm #1009515bloodymediocrityParticipant
Depending on what part of the country she is from “hun” could be totally innocent. But wherever you are in the country I feel like it’s weird to call your step=dad “hun”. The fact that he seems to be hiding the conversations is concerning. Of course, maybe he’s only hiding the conversations because he feels like you are snooping and just doesn’t want to hear about it.
As their step-dad, I would expect him to still have a relationship with the older daughter, and a little alarmed that you seem to not think it’s ok. But then again, it IS really weird you’re only discovering this now, after 5 years together.
This is going to require a lot of conversations. You need to ask him why he’s kept her hidden from you.January 28, 2021 at 7:50 pm #1009516
Ok, so why were you looking at his phone? Something was going on, you didn’t trust him. What exactly led to the snooping? Everything was clearly not great. And you found out you had good reason not to trust him, because he’s been lying to you and being sketchy with this young woman. If he truly had a stepfather relationship with her and everything was aboveboard, you would have known about her from the beginning. Something is way off here.January 28, 2021 at 7:52 pm #1009517
Like, before now, did you even know this girl existed? How do you know she’s who he says she is, and not just some girl he met?January 28, 2021 at 10:08 pm #1009518BittergaymarkGuest
This is mainly “potentially” weird to me as you have not previously ever heard of this stepdaughter it seems. That is pretty suspicious.
Now if you have known about her all along, but are only learning of the texts now, that isn’t THAT crazy to me. Even the money —- parents and stepparents often get wayyyyy too much flack about giving money to their kids by new partners. And so when they conceal that… I am typically BRAVO.
But more details please. It’s hard to tell what is going on here just yet from the details you provided.January 29, 2021 at 9:30 am #1009526
Yeah, the only way this isn’t weird and a full-stop for your relationship is if 1) you were aware that he had a stepdaughter early on, and 2) you had said or done something to make him think you were not ok with him having said stepdaughter in his life so he had some kind of reason for hiding it. In which case, counseling. But otherwise, probably break up.January 29, 2021 at 9:53 am #1009528FyodorGuest
Yeah, I read ” He has never talked about her until I found the messages in his phone” to mean that he doesn’t discuss her much, not that he hid her existence. It’s hard without more context, but if he raised this kid, it’s not weird at all that they text and facetime.January 29, 2021 at 10:43 am #1009529CookiedoughGuest
I’m getting weird vibes and think the LWs instincts are picking up that there’s something different going on now compared to the last 5 years. You don’t call your stepdad (or dad) hun. And if it was really innocent he wouldn’t delete them no matter how annoying the LW is. I don’t know what role he played (if any) in raising this girl but there’s something flirtatious going on now. It’s odd and creepy – who texts their parent figure “hey hun good morning”. Your options are to tell him to stop or leave. Not much else to do.January 29, 2021 at 11:15 am #1009530CopaParticipant
Eh, I think this seems off, though it’s unclear if he never mentioned the 30-year-old daughter before or if she was a known quantity who was never talked about. But I do think the secrecy and deleting doesn’t seem right, and I don’t know a single person who calls their dad or stepdad “hun.”
You’re asking us questions that nobody can answer. Commenters can debate all day if this is shady or not and not agree. I think what’s important here isn’t what we think is going on or if we think this seems weird, it’s that you don’t trust him. You’re going through his phone. You don’t believe what he’s telling you about who this woman is. So yeah, I think counseling or break-up are your options. It’s unlikely a commenter or two chiming in to say they also call their stepdad “hun” will change how you feel.