This topic contains 39 replies, has 9 voices, and was last updated by DOL6 1 week, 4 days ago.
April 9, 2019 at 12:57 pm #840524
From a LW:
“I’m Indonesian and he’s American. we lived together for a year and a half but I moved out because my parents found out that I lived with him before marriage. Indonesian has culture that all unmarried couple are not allowed to live together before marriage. we always talk and discuss many things. even if we argued, we always finish it well even it’s hard. and he’s very temper and stubborn. but I know he’s really really love me. he said many times that we are perfect couple, we’re so happy together, also we can talk about any difficult things, he said he see a future with me, he wants to grow old with me. then he proposed me, and decided to marry me in the US next month or next two month.
when we were in the US, we were so stressed and frustrated about marriage preparation, marriage law, papers, and one of the most difficult thing is religion. in the beginning my parents agreed if we get married under different religion. but suddenly in few weeks my parents totally disagree that we get married under different religion. must get married under my religion. and they even almost kicked me out of family and will remove me from family book. for me religion is not a big deal, the matter is we love each other, we stand for each other and we’re happy.
suddenly he postponed the wedding. he told me all his feelings. he said it was a mistake to propose me when he wasn’t ready yet. and he felt terrible that he did this to me. he said he’s worried of his career, he’s not ready to lock him in, and also because of religion issues, paper issues, my parents issues. but then he also mention about all my imperfection side, sometimes we have communication issues because english is not my primary language, sometimes we misunderstanding, he doesn’t know if he can put up with it in the longterm future, many times he makes me feel like I’m stupid, he thinks I’m not intelligent sometimes even though he knows that I’m not stupid, about my financial (and yeah I don’t earn as much as him), he feels like I don’t take care of him enough at home and he’s worried if I can’t also take care of him financially in the future when he’s sick and can’t work anymore, etc.
then he suddenly said for now he doesn’t see me as a future life partner. but he’s willing to work things out and hope all things will go well. and decided to postpone the wedding until he’s ready. I don’t know what to do. feel anxious everyday, still thinking is he really “the one”? and is it worth to wait him till he’s ready? because last month he said we’re perfect couple, he saw future with me, but now all is gone, he changed his mind and said different things and even so hurtful.”April 9, 2019 at 1:26 pm #840526
Oh honey, leave. This man is not worthy of you. Life will always be hard in some way and if someone is telling you he ‘needs to have things worked out’ AFTER he has proposed and you’ve done all that work he doesn’t want to marry you. You are enough, a better job won’t change that. Please don’t waste time ‘convincing’ this man, you deserve someone who will build a life with you.April 9, 2019 at 2:15 pm #840529
It sounds like he has valid concerns about your compatibility. Either way, I think that this relationship is probably over. I wouldn’t stay with him based on the expectation that he’ll change his mind.April 9, 2019 at 2:47 pm #840532
You need to be glad he was honest with you and move on. I admit I don’t know Indonesian culture well enough to compare to American dating /marriage culture but know that he has said pretty firmly that he does not want to be married. He is trying to let you down easy since he dragged you half way around the world.
He thought you could have the same life you had in Indonesia but the two countries are very very different. He was the stranger there. Now you are in the US and you are the stranger. In Indonesia you took care of him because you were familiar with the language, the markets, the rules. Now that you are in the US it is unfamiliar and he is not willing to help you. He doesn’t want to give you the same care you gave him. He is a selfish person and you should leave.April 9, 2019 at 3:55 pm #840542
Don’t postpone the wedding, cancel it. Trying to push forward and marry someone who isn’t that interested in marrying you and you treats you badly would be ridiculous. Unless you’re interested in just turning around and getting a divorce in a few years…
No one should marry somebody who isn’t happy about marrying them.April 9, 2019 at 4:15 pm #840546
I’m not going to put as much blame on this guy as others have. LW’s parents’ reaction and her falling in line behind it are a very big deal. Since she is from Indonesia, a very high likelihood that her religion is Islam. I doubt they can marry in her religion, unless he converts. I don’t think I could love a woman enough to agree to do that, and I am not all that religious and not aligned with any particular denomination. LW’s attitude to their whole relationship/marriage has changed so drastically, at her parents’ insistence, that I don’t see how this guy could not have second thoughts.April 9, 2019 at 4:36 pm #840547
I kind of agree with both Ron and the other commenters.
Like I get that there’s a culture difference but I would not want to marry someone who so quickly caved to their parents wishes about the relationship. You don’t care for your own religion, yet are going to make your fiance jump through hoops to marry within it after initially planning not to? You don’t care about marrying before living together, yet you moved out because your parents got upset about it. I think since there is a cultural thing here its not so easy to just go against their wishes but maybe that just means that you guys are not a good fit. If you want to marry a western guy then you might need to be willing to go against your parents wishes and it seems like you aren’t.
But definitely he’s not faultless here. I’m concerned what it means that he has a temper–is he abusive? Either physically or verbally? And also it seems like he was willfully ignoring issues in your relationship all along until it became too much to bear. This stuff didn’t all come out of nowhere, its been building up and he’s not been talking about it.
Anyways, ultimately people are right that you shouldn’t marry someone who isn’t excited to marry you.April 9, 2019 at 5:13 pm #840552
Yeah. What Ron said! Demanding someone marry You in Your faith when you don’t even practice said faith just to please your uber controlling parents is a HUGE red flag…April 9, 2019 at 5:54 pm #840554
” And also it seems like he was willfully ignoring issues in your relationship all along until it became too much to bear. This stuff didn’t all come out of nowhere, its been building up and he’s not been talking about it.”
I mean, this is de facto true for everyone who breaks off an engagement. There’s almost always stuff that existed before the engagement. And it’s not clear from her letter that he hasn’t raised this stuff before.April 9, 2019 at 6:35 pm #840556
I expect they both made assumptions of how life would be in the US -but they were together for 18 months with issues but not to this level.
I stand by my assumption that life in Indonesia was removed from the realities they are dealing with now. This guy was travelling/working and she was likely much more independent than in the US where she doesn’t speak the language, it’s harder for her to find work, she needs more attention than he’s willing to give.April 9, 2019 at 8:53 pm #840560
I think the religion thing is just the straw that broke the camel’s back in this situation.
You are incompatible, he’s a jerk who makes you feel stupid. That is NOT a guy you want to tie yourself to for life. He liked the idea of marriage up until he realized his life would be different, and maybe his responsibilities would change. Reality set in and he has even told you he doesn’t see you as a life partner. That’s your cue to leave. If you stay, he’s going to draw it out longer and you will feel even more hurt. I agree that you should be happy he’s been somewhat honest- and cancel the wedding completely. Move on, he’s not the one for you.April 9, 2019 at 11:15 pm #840571
I subscribe everything people said above. Get a grip, under what wing are you going to live your love life? American? Indonesian? Decide. In your particular case, the cultural differences are really huge, and I suspect it’s not worth the effort to try to navigate them (based on the fact that your fiancée is leaving the boat, tbh)