This topic contains 66 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by Hazel 2 months ago.
January 9, 2019 at 2:29 pm #815030
The time to not have her in the wedding was before you asked. It would have been okay to not put her in the wedding, maybe you could have found a different job for her so that she was included but not in the main photos. At this point she has been asked so she is in unless you want to look bad. You could ask her if she would prefer a different role because she doesn’t seem very interested. Tell her you’ll be happy with her either as a bridesmaid or in some other role then see what she says.
You will have some photos of just his family, without girlfriends, and some with just your family and some with the entire bridal party. That’s the way it goes.
If you drop her now you’ll look bad. You’ll look jealous and insecure and like you don’t trust your fiance. It doesn’t matter how much she likes him or wants him. The only thing that matters is whether he’s interested in her. If he has no interest all of her wanting will go nowhere except to create a lot of frustration and unresolved feelings for her.
He’s chosen you. You don’t need to worry about her. On the day of the wedding give her a huge smile and know that you got the guy. If you think you do have to worry about him then break off the engagement.January 9, 2019 at 2:39 pm #815031
@northernstar – totally agree that it seems the in-laws are pushing both these women into a relationship they don’t wanna be in. And that’s weird, and cause for concern about whether or not the LW really wants to marry into this family.
However, her hatred of this woman is also strange. Why does she care? I can acknowledge it wouldn’t be super fun to have your husband’s ex around all the time – but all the same it doesn’t seem like she’s worried about her trying to get her fiance back. She is just all judgey about this woman’s financial and career goals. Who cares if she’s a gold digger – this is not the OP’s money or home to be concerned over in the first place.
And while it may be strange that the in-laws want the ex to be so centrally involved in the wedding, if they’re paying for the thing its their prerogative, strange though it may be. They must think fondly of this young woman, sounds like she’s been in their lives a long time, and they’ve invited her to live in her home, so they may feel she’s a quasi daughter or something.
I don’t think OP had the option to decline including her, she only had the option to pay for her own wedding. If she’s taking their money…she’s gotta do so with their conditions.
And it sounds like she should buckle up for this woman being around, whether she likes it or not. The in-laws clearly want her around.January 9, 2019 at 2:45 pm #815032
I mean, we could assume the LW is lying about the reasons why she doesn’t like the woman. But I think she’s spelled out why she doesn’t. I wouldn’t want someone I don’t respect in my wedding party—especially as one of my bridesmaids. But then, I would not have asked her in the first place. Once asked, unless something egregious happens, you can’t take it back without hurting the in-laws’ feelings.January 9, 2019 at 2:46 pm #815033
Well if the brother proposes this woman is going to be in your life for a long time. So you might as well figure out how to strap on some ovaries and deal with it.
You don’t have to be her best friend but she knows you don’t want her there – so her staying away isn’t a bad thing. Do you want her to be all excited and up in your business – NO. Does she want to look good and kind in front of her in laws – yes. If you make this a big deal – you will look petty. Don’t look petty. Be warm, make sure your friends are nice. Don’t give her anything to complain about.January 9, 2019 at 2:52 pm #815035
But I think she’s spelled out why she doesn’t. I wouldn’t want someone I don’t respect in my wedding party—especially as one of my bridesmaids.
I’m not saying she has to like or respect this woman…but if she’s taking the in-laws money for her wedding she’s gotta do so with their conditions, or not take their money. We are assuming here, but multiple have asked and Mila has not come back to say “No no no, we’re paying for our own wedding with our own adult money”.
And frankly, it sounds like this woman is already part of the family. So the OP can swallow her dislike, or she can choose to not join this family.
Including the ex in the wedding party is kind of small potatoes. The family she is going to join is going to want to include this woman, and the fiance isn’t going to try to set boundaries with his family. The OP can either accept that’s the way its going to be, or she can not marry this guy. Those are her choices.January 9, 2019 at 3:35 pm #815041
If it was a deal-breaker for the in-laws—”Have the people we demand in your wedding party or receive not one thin dime”—then yes, the LW had only two choices.
But if they just asked and said it would be nice, there are a million ways to politely fend off such a request. And it would be ABSOLUTELY REASONABLE to reject that request. This isn’t the groom’s sister, niece, or even sister-in-law. It’s just his brother’s girlfriend. She can be an usher if the in-laws NEED her to be in the wedding somehow.
Furthermore, it’s not reasonable at ALL for a groom’s parents to choose the BRIDESMAIDS—even if they’re paying for much of the wedding. (And I have no idea why everyone thinks the LW or HER parents aren’t contributing any money here.)
I just think this LW needs to hear that NO, she should NOT have to have this chick as a bridesmaid, and it’s a shame that her in-laws even were crass enough to ask (or overbearing as to demand).
But LW, now that you’ve agree: It’s too late to do anything except place her farthest away from you in the lineup/photos so she can be easily cropped out later. That’s what I would do. And don’t ask her for anything beyond showing up in her dress on time.January 9, 2019 at 3:40 pm #815043
I mean, come on! Let’s pretend some woman wrote in that she was paying for her son’s wedding, and she wanted to make her future daughter-in-law ask her other son’s girlfriend to be a bridesmaid. And the girlfriend used to date the first son. And the future daughter-in-law doesn’t really get along with the girlfriend.
We would tell such a person that she is out of her mind and has no business choosing her future daughter-in-law’s bridesmaids. Even if she is paying for everything.January 9, 2019 at 3:44 pm #815044
Meh. Okay fine, if this is important for her to hear – OP its weird that your future in-laws would request you add anyone to your bridal party – much less someone you’re not enthused about.
HOWEVER, I still stand by my statement that this is the family you’re marrying into, and you can take it or leave it, but you cannot change them. It’s clear this woman has an informal place in the family already, this family is going to make odd requests (perhaps by throwing their money around), and your future husband is going to be more interested in keeping the peace than standing up for you.
Now is your chance to look at the big picture. This isn’t about a dispute over who should or should not be a bridesmaid, this is about whether or not you can stomach being part of this family, of having this woman around maybe for a long time, of your husband deferring to his parents over your wishes.
Do you really want to commit to this?January 9, 2019 at 3:46 pm #815046
I mostly agree with you, @northernstar, but she’s taking it on the wrong person. If she was bullied into having this person in her wedding, that’s between her, her fiance and her inlaws.
The initial reasons she states for not wanting her in the wedding/not liking her make her sound insecure, jealous and petty. She doesn’t like her age or her profession or her age or who she is dating or where she lives. She not once mentioned how this woman undermines her relationship. Or is rude to her. Or whatever.January 9, 2019 at 3:50 pm #815047
Also – I understand why she doesn’t like this woman, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think her reasons aren’t petty.
This isn’t her money to be concerned over; if her in-laws want to support someone the OP thinks is a leech, they get to. That she has *such* a vitriol towards someone who should be of no consequence to her says more about her than it does about the ex/brother’s girlfriend.
Like I wouldn’t advise anyone that trying to be an Instagram model and living off your boyfriend’s parents is a great life path, but as long as its not impacting me financially, whatever, you do you.January 9, 2019 at 3:52 pm #815048
Sure, she should seriously think about whether she wants to commit to this family, that the ex may officially become a part of. But honestly the family doesn’t sound that bad. I guess they’re rich and they seem to like this young woman who dated both sons? Asking the LW to include her in the wedding party might be a bit pushy, but it’s not a terrible offense. The bro is probably a groomsman and they thought it’d be nice.
I think this might really be an opportunity for the LW to change her thinking/attitude. If she’s going to marry into this family, she’s going to need to get along. And the best way to do that is to change her own narrative.January 9, 2019 at 3:55 pm #815049
ALSO. She says in one of her posts that the family *knew* she didn’t like the ex. They asked her to ask her anyway. Hmm… maybe they were trying to signal to her that she needs to grow up, suck it up, and get along with this woman. That’s a valid message, tbh.