Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

My friend and I have been experimenting and….

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  • #852445 Reply

    My friend and I are both juniors in high school. Over the summer, she came out to me as bi-curious and, long story short, she persuaded me to experiment with her. I’ve always considered myself straight, so I was surprised that I enjoyed the experience as much as I did. Part of it is because there’s no worrying about getting pregnant. With another girl, you can just relax and have fun.

    Since then, we’ve been having regular sleepovers at both her place and mine. We always say we’re just gonna stay up late watching movies and stuff. But once we know everyone’s in bed and asleep, we have sex.

    I’ve been struggling with what this all means. Am I not really straight, but gay? Or bi? Should I even worry about labels?

    But that’s not the main thing. We’ve been struggling with whether we should tell our parents or not. On the one hand, we do sometimes worry about the chance that they might walk in on us in the middle of the deed. Maybe it would be best to tell them instead of them finding out that way. But if we tell, who knows if they’ll let us continue having sleepovers? Her parents are cool enough that they might allow it, but I don’t know about mine. What do you think? Is it best to just be honest with them or is this one of those cases where honesty is not the best policy?

    #852446 Reply

    I’m really confused. What, exactly, are you going to tell them? “Hey, mom & dad, Sue and I experiment sexually when she sleeps over?” I’m not sure I see the point of doing that, and I can’t imagine most parents having a positive reaction to a statement like that from their underage child. As far as them walking in, I think the idea is to be discreet enough when having sex in someone’s home that they DON’T walk in.

    Are the two of you having a romantic relationship? If you consider her to be your girlfriend and you want your family to know her as your girlfriend, then sure, that’s something to consider telling them. If it’s just messing around to experiment, no, I don’t think that’s something you need to make a general announcement about.

    As for what all this means as far as your own sexuality….I think you’re in the process of figuring that out. You don’t have to put a label on yourself now. There’ll come a time when you’ll have a better understanding of yourself and who you’re attracted to.

    #852465 Reply

    I don’t think you should worry about labeling yourself. You’re at least attracted to women. That’s totally fine. You don’t have to decide who you are or what that means. You’re young and having fun and you don’t need to think about it too hard. Sexuality is a spectrum for most people.

    I don’t think it’s your parent’s business who you’re having sex with. You don’t owe them 100% transparency. Just be careful and lock the door.

    #852470 Reply

    I think at this point you instead simply need to learn how to lock your doors.

    #852517 Reply

    The no-pregnancy thing alleviates a lot of the fear from a parental point of view, but I don’t see any reason to announce “Hey, ‘friend’ and I are having sex. Just thought you’d like to know.” Parents really don’t want the details about your sex life any more than you want the details about theirs. Be discreet, so there are no unexpected walk-ins.

    That aside, the other things that would come into play for concern are the other aspects of any sexual relationship: things like consent and STI protection.

    It’s not clear from your letter if you (or your friend) are sexually active with others. It sort of sounds like you are, as you contrast sex with another woman as being easier to “relax and have fun.” So, just make sure you’re being careful, and using safer sex practices as relates to STIs.

    There’s no reason for you to worry about labels at the moment. You’re young and figuring out who you are. You can decide what that means in your own time.

    #852530 Reply

    You don’t need to worry about labels, and without a label, I’m not sure what you’d tell your parents. It’s not really necessary to talk to your parents about your sex life as long as you are taking your own steps to educate yourself about safe sex and to practice it.

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