Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

My Friend Dilemma!!

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  • #1033658 Reply

    Hi all. I am new here, because I am trying to get some advice, that I can’t really find the answer to anywhere else. Okay, here is my dilemma. I am a 50 year old divorced guy. My friend is a 50 year old married woman, with 5 children, and I have known her since High School, and we are really good friends.

    We talk with each other every single day, for hours at a time, and we like all the same things, and have so much in common. We talk about everything from sports, politics, weather, gardening, TV shows, movies, etc.

    Now here’s the problem, I Love Her. Yes, I love her as a friend, but I love her, love her as well. I mean I certainly don’t want to ruin her marriage with her husband, or ruin her family life, or anything, I’m just not sure if I should tell her my true feelings for her, because I don’t know if that might even ruin things between us!?

    It’s just we both have so many things in common, and love so much of the same things, that deep down in my heart, I truly believe that she is my soulmate in this life, but unfortunately, our paths went different directions somewhere in life.

    And being 50 years old already, I’m getting up there in life, plus say something were to happen to me tomorrow, like I get hit by a car crossing the street, and I don’t make it. She will have never known my true feelings for her, that I really love her with all my heart.

    I’m so confused over what to do!? Please help, and offer me advice!!

    #1033660 Reply

    Be honest with yourself. The only reason you want to tell her that you love her is to bust up her marriage and date her yourself. That makes you a dick. Since you can’t bear to just be platonic friends with her, you need to break off this friendship. If you can bear to just be platonic friends, then getting some therapy may help you establish the appropriate emotional distance. If you tell her, the best possible outcome would be for her to end the friendship. She has 5 children and you give no indication that she is even unhappy in her marriage — wtf, don’t be such a selfish ass.

    #1033664 Reply

    She doesn’t say anything at all about any problems with her husband, or leaving him. But she tells me everyday how “awesome I am”, and how “very special I am to her”. I hear this almost daily, and so it confuses me even more 😩

    I guess this whole thing is because I am all alone, and lonely, and have no companionship in my life? And if I tell that I love her as something more than a friend, then she will most likely reject that, and shy away, and then I risk losing her as a friend of many years, all the way back from high school.

    So I take all the risk here with probably no gain, but everything to lose including her as a friend. But still this is really hard for me to not tell her my true feelings for her. 😢😥

    #1033668 Reply

    What are you doing!? There are a THOUSAND women out there for a single, available guy to date. Why aren’t you dating someone who is single? Admit it, you kinda like to pine for something you can’t have, don’t you?

    If she’s talking to you for hours every day — instead of putting that energy into her husband and kids — then I guess you’ll get your wish. Her marriage will tank. Do you seriously want to be a part of that?

    #1033670 Reply

    WHY are you all alone? You’ve heard of dating apps, right? You don’t have any friends to hang out with? Any family? Stop feeling sorry for yourself and go date, or at least make friends with people. Volunteer somewhere — not to meet someone, but to get out in the world in a helpful way.

    No one else can be the cure for YOUR loneliness.

    #1033671 Reply

    Nooooo, don’t ever tell a married person you have feelings for them. That’s wrong.

    It’s bizarre that she has time to talk to you daily for hours, but still. As far as you know she’s happily married and you have to respect that. Take a step back from all this contact.

    #1033678 Reply

    You need to set some boundaries in this relationship and find someone single to date.

    #1033707 Reply

    yeah but no but. If you care for her at all, just don’t.

    #1033708 Reply

    Yeah, do not tell her. Expand your circle of friends and see her less. Go on line and see that there are lots of women you could/can date…then try that. No good can come of telling her and maybe a lot of harm will result.

    #1033711 Reply

    You can’t tell her. She is happily married. She isn’t going to blow up her marriage and her family. I’m sorry. I don’t think it’s fair to tell her. I think it will make things weird even if you try to remain friends. No husband would want you around if he had confirmed you’re in love with his wife.

    If you still feel compelled to tell her, do so with the knowledge that losing her friendship is the most likely outcome. If you are romantically lonely and in love with your friend, you need to create distance. You need to take space and start branching out and meeting other singles. Get into a new hobby or volunteering or something. Do whatever you can to make space for more in your life. And feel free to put her texts on do not disturb. Or block her number temporarily. Tell her your dealing with something that you need to keep private and take the space you need.

    #1033713 Reply

    Trust me. She already damn well knows how you feel. More —- she will never break up her family for you. No way. No day. That is the reality of this situatiom. She is USING you.

    #1033834 Reply

    Okay but now everything has changed!! Last night she starts texting me at 1 am in the morning because she is really depressed. I ask her what the heck is going on, so she tells me she had to spend all day cleaning their house, to get it ready for Easter, and all this stuff about how miserable she is in her marriage!! She tells me that her and her husband fight all the time. She tells me that he is very mean to her, calling her names all the time like “ugly b*tch”, and a “worthless whore”.

    She tells me they haven’t had sex in over 2 years, and how they sleep in separate bedrooms with him sleeping upstairs, and her sleeping downstairs. She says that they only pretend to be “happy” in front of their family and friends, but it’s all a charade. So I ask her what this is all about, and she says its because when he comes home from work, he has angry outbursts if their huge 6 bedroom, 4 bathroom, 5,000 square foot mansion and yard isn’t spotless clean when he comes home from work.

    If he comes home from work, and the bathroom is dirty, or the kitchen floor isn’t spotless, he gets angry and calls her names.

    She actually showed me pictures of Black and Blue bruises all over her legs!! I ask her what that is ( thinking that he is hitting her? ), but she tells me its from her being her on her hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen and bathroom floors every damn day, because if he comes home from work,and sees 1 spot of dirt on the floor, his angry, ugly outbursts start.

    She says her knees hurt her so much from cleaning the kitchen floor 7 DAYS A WEEK, that she thinks she now needs knee surgery to relieve all the swelling in her knees!!

    So I ask her what she is going to do? She tells me that her whole life is her 5 children, and she needs to be there for them and with them.

    We texted back and forth until 6 am in the morning!! I told her about how much I care for her, but no I didn’t tell her I love her, but very much wanted to!! 🙁

    So now what do I do!? I’m an emotional wreck here!!!! HELP!!!!!

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