My friend is having an affair with a married man

[ChloeSydney]

So my friend separated from her husband about 4 months ago but they still live in the same house together. He is downstairs and she is upstairs. They have an 8yo and a 17yo.

After the separation she started online dating and has slept with probably 10+ men in the last few months. I don’t judge her for that. However, a couple of the men have been married. She says they didn’t tell her until after they’d slept with her. She kept seeing both for a few weeks (along with other men) but I believe only one of the men she is now seeing is married. It’s not a topic I’m comfortable with any more so I don’t ask her about it. I do know that this latest guy, she believes she is in love with. This was after about a week of meeting him. I’ve tried to be the “I’ll be there for you when it all falls apart” friend. I’ve tried, very hard, to not judge her, knowing she’s going through an adjustment period after 30 years with an older husband who has been emotionally distant for at least 10 years.

But when I’ve tried to talk to her about the wives of these men, she simply doesn’t care. She doesn’t see that as being “her issue”. She’s too in love to think about them, she has to think about her needs right now. She believes the wives would stay with their husbands even if they knew of the cheating because “they are on a good wicket financially, have nice homes and lives”. She believes everything these guys tell her about not sleeping with their wives, no love etc. The one she’s in love with has told her he will never leave his wife.

I can’t stomach it anymore. I can’t listen to her speak so disrespectfully about the wives of these men. I feel she has no morals that I can align myself with.

I have finally accepted that I DO judge her for her behaviour, and I guess our friendship isn’t strong enough for me to stand by her regardless of her choices.

We’ve only been friends for just under 2 years, and I have the option to just ease myself out of the friendship slowly but I want to know if I should just tell her the truth about how I feel? That would end the friendship for sure and cost me a couple of other friends who have known her longer and would choose her over me.

She’s just rented an apartment so she has somewhere to go with her married lover and she wants us (our girlfriend group) to hang out there as well and I just don’t want to be part of endorsing her actions. (She’ll still live at the house with the husband and kids but the apartment will be there when she needs it).

[Bittergaymark]

Since it bothers you — and it would bother me — maybe fade out on this friendship. She sounds really messed up.

[Bittergaymark]

Confronting her will serve no purpose.

[ChloeSydney]

Thank you. That’s what I was thinking also. I’d prefer to be honest but I know it will just make her feel a lot of negative emotions that she doesn’t need right now. Her sister has said the same thing to her that I would want to say and it made no difference.

[Kate B.]

I ended a 10-year friendship for similar reasons. It’s really the best option.

[ChloeSydney]

Thanks Bittergaymark. We became friends at the dog park which means we usually catch up there at least 5 times a week, plus some socialising every week or two. I’ve moved a couple of suburbs away just two weeks ago so fading away is a little easier to implement.

I really appreciate both replies. I didn’t want to ask one of our mutual friends hence finding this forum and deciding to get some opinions.

[ktfran]

I’m not sure how sleeping with 10 men since a divorce is relevant to the story…

If you no longer like or respect your friend, fade out. It’s fine. She’ll get over it.

[Ele4phant]

I think it’s not your business to say anything.

What you can do is end a friendship with a person for whom you question their character and values. If she asks why you have been distant, I suppose you could be honest. But definitely don’t confront her about it if she doesn’t ask.

Not you circus not your monkeys.

[Bittergaymark]

Well, the sleeping with ten men is pretty relevant to the story as the LW is (understandably) questioning her friend’s morals…

[ktfran]

Sleeping with married men, sure, question away.

Since when does sleeping with multiple men equate to having low morals? Come on. That’s complete bullshit and you know it.

[Bittergaymark]

When many of them are married it’s pretty fucked up.

[Bittergaymark]

Factor in Covid. Fucking lots of people this past year is highly morally questionable.

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