My friend is having an affair with a married man

[FYI]

Eh. If I had an eight-year-old, I wouldn’t have a secret apartment for men I meet on a dating app. I just wouldn’t. LW said “potentially unsafe,” which is true.

[LisforLeslie]

Back out of the friendship, clearly you don’t feel like you can be honest with her without damaging the relationship beyond repair.

You are judging her. You may not be judging her morals but you are definitely judging her judgement. She’s sowing her wild oats, not uncommon after a divorce for either sex. And she is showing absolutely no remorse when she finds out she slept with a married man. And she’s decided that her married boyfriend is being truthful with her when he says all the sweet nothings about being in love.

And I’d be just as worried about her judgement. She’s making a series of bad choices, some of which are going to jump up, slap her in the face and if you can’t sit there and NOT say “I told you so.” then it’s best you back away.

[ron]

“Except she went on to say that having sex with multiple men is bad for her friend’s health. That’s a step too far.

The sex with multiple men is not, and should not be, an issue.”

Why? She certainly has a right to sleep with as many men as she chooses, but to say this poses no health risk is a step to far. Protection isn’t perfect and every intimate encounter with a new person has a risk of STI associated with it. This includes AIDS. Vaccinated or not, there is also a finite risk of COvid, as vaccinated persons are getting Covid, especially the variants. The various vaccines are 85-95%k effective, which means still about a 10% chance of catching it. Cheating married men are a greater threat, as she is unlikely to be the only woman, or man, they are cheating with. It is the friends decision to make, but to say it is riskless is simply wrong.

Not sure why you keep banging away on this so stridently.

[Kate]

Because I find it to be slut-shaming. In itself, there’s nothing wrong with having sex with 10 men. And no, this isn’t personal, I haven’t personally had sex with 10 men, I just don’t think a woman should be judged on that.

[Kate]

Or a man either, for those who will say they’d judge a man the same way.

[ktfran]

100% what @Kate said.

[ktfran]

“The LW flat-out said she “slept with 10+ men … I don’t judge her for that, but some of them are married.” That seems clear to me.”

By mentioning the number, you are, in fact, judging her based on how many men she’s slept with. You might claim you aren’t, but you really are, otherwise why mention it? What does it add to the story? It’s like someone making a mean comment then following it up with “I’m only joking.”

If this LW’s only concern was truly with her friend sleeping with married men, then that’s all the letter needed to be about.

[Bittergaymark]

I’d love to hear what Dr. Fauci thinks about anybody banging nearly a dozen partners in the past few months… But I, too, remain intrigued that some keep insisting on going on and on about this.

[Kate]

It’s a country that closed its borders and the LW said they aren’t seeing transmission. Concern about covid isn’t why she mentioned sleeping with 10 men.

[Bittergaymark]

It adds context. If you can’t see that, I remain — frankly – amazed. It’s also hilarious that all this railing against judging somebody comes from two of the most judge-mental people on here. Hell… It’s like me ripping a letter writer to shreds for being both jaded and bitter. ?‍♂️

[Bittergaymark]

Well, Kate. Miss Holier than thou — none of us knew that from the fucking letter.

[Kate]

I’ve definitely never slut shamed anyone.

[Author]

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