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Dear Wendy

My friendship ended badly

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  • #875053 Reply

    I’ve been struggling with one particular friendship for a while. I only know him for about a little over a year. At first everything was fine but then I start getting really uncomfortable and annoyed when I have to see him. After knowing him for a while he started getting way into my personal space and touching me. I thought it was just difference in boundaries so I tried to clear it up by having a direct talk which helped a bit. But now a lot of things he does gets on my nerve and I don’t know why when I never noticed it before. He would bad talk other people (strangers he doesn’t know). I am overly caring about how other people feels and I feel like he unintentionally hurt other people’s feelings and mine a lot because he’s brash.
    I don’t know why I feel this way but it was getting really draining to see him. Sometimes talking to him makes me feel stress or that my opinions are not validated. I just don’t really feel good after our interactions any more. I started fading (not really replying to texts as often). Things kind of blew up when he was pressuring me to talk about some personal things I did not want to talk about because it doesn’t concerns him and i’m still upset about the topic. He basically stormed off because I also refused to answer the question when he texted me twice before. I think our personalities are just way to different and so are our boundaries. I guess I see it coming, but I just feel this overwhelming sense of guilt. I don’t regret that our friendship ended, but looking back I hated that I hurt his feelings or that it ended the way it is. One of my friend said I should leave it as is and the other said to talk to him to end it better, but I don’t really see him taking it well if I only cite the reason as “our personalities are too different” but saying any more might make it worse. What should I do? Should I feel guilty? How should I deal with this?

    #875055 Reply

    Just leave it. Time to move on!

    #875056 Reply

    You did nothing wrong, held appropriate boundaries and slow faded when they were not respected. Then he tries one last ploy to reel you in. Some people just want attention, good or bad. You are absolutely doing the right thing by paying no mind.

    #875058 Reply

    You aren’t responsible for other people’s feelings, believe it or not. He didn’t care about your boundaries, yet you want to care-take him? Make sure he feels okay? No. You might want to look at that impulse to care-take people who aren’t rude to you; it could get you in trouble.

    #875059 Reply

    You did nothing wrong, and there’s nothing to feel guilty about.

    It sounds like a very one-sided friendship. He was unpleasant to be around, touched you when you didn’t want to be touched, and pried into personal things you didn’t want to talk about. That’s not how a friend acts.

    Sometimes you meet someone and it seems you’ll get along well and be good friends. Then you get to know them better, and you realize you’re not so compatible after all. It’s not wrong to step away at that point.

    #875060 Reply

    Do NOT reach out to him! You did nothing wrong. He constantly over stepped your boundaries and tried to pressure you to talk about things that were not his business and you didn’t want to talk about. He made you feel invalidated and you felt worse after interacting with him.

    DO NOT REACH OUT TO HIM. In fact block his number so he doesn’t try to come back. It’s ok that things didn’t end perfectly. Most things won’t.

    #875069 Reply

    Please, do not feel guilty for no longer being this creep’s “friend.” He was touching you!? WTF. You owe him nothing. You don’t have to talk to him to make him feel better, when all he does is make you feel uncomfortable and bad.

    You have to take care of yourself. You are under no obligation to make creepy dudes feel better about their bad behavior. Please don’t feel guilty for one more second.

    If you’re in school or can afford to see a counselor or therapist, please do. You don’t have to be friends with people you don’t like. You don’t have to respond to anyone you don’t want to. Don’t feel bad about it.

    #875070 Reply
    avatarMrs. Danvers

    You didn’t do anything wrong; these things happen. And you don’t have to explain yourself to him (which usually backfires with difficult people anyway). Onward and upward!

    #875071 Reply

    Echoing the others – you did nothing wrong. He sounds like a mediocre friend with boundary issues. You are not obligated to talk to people you don’t want to talk to. Ever. You do not need to feel guilty or apologize.

    Girls are SO socialized to put the feelings of others (especially men) before there own. You can break this conditioning. His feelings are not more important than your comfort. Your friend made you uncomfortable. You can stop talking to him for that reason alone.

    #875180 Reply

    Not all friendships stand the test of time.

    If you find him draining, annoying or inappropriate, it sounds like you should distance yourself, and stop being friends. Friends are meant to be people we like – not perfect, but not people who fill us with dread at the mere thought of interacting with them.

    You don’t have to keep going with this. You’ve known him for a short time, you do’t enjoy his company any more, and it really doesn’t sound like you’d lose a lot if you found some new friends.

    #875222 Reply

    If you told him that he was crossing lines he shouldn’t cross, that you had no interest in discussing specific things with him, that he shouldn’t touch you, then you did everything you could to lay out your boundaries. Which he crossed.

    If you said nothing before blowing up… well not the best approach but the one that worked for you. He sounds like a dick tbh. At best he’s just not socially sophisticated, at worst he’s trying to force intimacy (romantic or platonic) that you’re not interested in.

    You owe him nothing. Block him.

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