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Dear Wendy

“My FWB Is Involved with Another Woman. Should I Tell Her He’s Cheating on Her?”

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  • #1100304 Reply
    Dear Wendy

    From the second LW in this column:

    “I was in a no strings attached relationship with a guy for 5-6 months but I developed feelings for him but dint tell him. He made me confess when I was drunk and told that he is needs time to think about his feelings. After some days he just flipped that I don’t feel anything for you I just asked you out of curiosity. I felt really hurt and exploited that if you don’t feel anything then why trigger mine. I told him this and we decided to stay chill and casual. During a conversation once I told him that if you are involved with anyone just come and tell me Bcz it’s affects me. I will think then what to do next. I doubted that he was involved with a girl from some time I kept asking him he denied I recently confronted him and pressurized him that tell me if there is anything after immense pressure he confessed that he is involved with her. I felt really hurt he told me that her presence has nothing to do with the I treat you or that I don’t feel for you is not because of her . I felt like my presence and my feelings are non existent to this person. I’am deeply hurt. What I actually want to ask you is should I tell the girl that he has been cheating on her all this while?”

    #1100309 Reply

    I’m sorry your romantic dreams have been crushed, but no, of course you don’t tell her. You would be doing so out of spite and a desire to strike back at him for… what exactly? You signed up for sex only. So did he. He didn’t betray you. You fell for him, but for him it was always just sex — the non-relationship you signed up for. When you knew you wanted more and he was emphatic that he did not, you needed to MOA immediately. Please don’t try another fwb, you’re not built for it.

    #1100310 Reply

    Ok look, I don’t know how not to sound harsh to Gen Z, but this guy out-manipulated you big time. He got you to put your feelings out there, and then agree to put your feelings aside and keep it casual, exactly like he wanted. Basically he neutralized your feelings and got you to fall in line.

    And then, you did that to yourself with your “if you have feelings for someone else, just tell me.”’ After he duped you and manipulated you and showed you he did not care about your feelings, why did you think he’d treat you with honesty and respect?

    And from there, what Ron said.

    #1100311 Reply

    And I mean,

    “ I felt like my presence and my feelings are non existent to this person.”

    Yes! He *told you* he felt nothing for you, and you essentially said, all right, that’s okay with me, let’s keep it just casual sex.

    Also, looking back at the linked column, you told him:

    “ no I don’t expect anything from you.”

    So that gave him permission to not give you anything. You totally let him off the hook by saying you have no expectations of him.

    Two pieces of advice for the future: Ask for what you want, and if you want a boyfriend then go with the guy that acts like your boyfriend.

    • This reply was modified 1 week ago by Kate.
    #1100313 Reply

    Why are you in a FWBs situation with someone you have feelings for? No, don’t tell her. It’s none of your business.

    Stop trying to contort yourself into what you think men or “Mike” want. If you want a relationship, say it. Say what you want from him. Don’t pretend to be okay with just sex when you aren’t, and you have feelings for him.

    Although, I don’t actually think you should tell Mike what you want. You should block and delete his number because he’s a loser. I mean more in general, ask for what you want instead of this fakery where you pretend you’re a “cool girl” who likes casual sex and doesn’t care if you’re number 2 on his sex list. Which you are right now.

    You are only hurting yourself by trying to have casual relationships when that isn’t at all what you want. Stop banging Mike. He might have once been a “friend” but now he’s a sad pathetic man taking advantage of your feelings for casual sex when he’s in a relationship or seeing someone else anyway. He’s treating you like shit. Not a nice guy. Not a guy you’d want to be your boyfriend. It’s time to move on.

    #1100315 Reply

    In the previous post, this entire message board told you that you were not in a FWB with him. If you have feelings for someone, that is not “casual” — no matter how many times you pretend it is. You told yourself (and him) that it was casual in the hope that he would want more.

    He flat-out TOLD you he didn’t want more.

    I mean, you even said you’d be “chill.” Please google “cool girl.” This is not the way to go about dating or sex. And now you want to kick up drama with some other girl? No. Get your dignity together and stay away from them both.

    #1100316 Reply


    #1100317 Reply

    It is very sad that two months later you’re back here with the exact same problem. But now you’re saying you’re incredibly hurt by the guy who has always told you he has no deeper feelings for you and only wanted casual sex from you. He even told you that without his new girl, his feelings still wouldn’t change in your favor.

    You thought you could change his mind, or maybe that your sex would be so great he’d have to love you, and now you’re really pissed.

    I know why you’re hurt and why you want to hurt him now. However, you repeatedly lie to him. Over and over you told him you didn’t want anything more. Of course you are hurt, but it’s almost purely your own fault at this point. I mean to be clear, Mike is a POS for claiming to be your friend still while he screws you and knows you feel for him. He’s taking advantage of you. YET you do keep reassuring him you want nothing.

    Next time, be honest before the sex about what you really want. Lying to people and pretending to be what you think they want isn’t going to get them to love you. They might start really liking the fake you you’re pretending to be, but they won’t even know the real you.

    It wasn’t that he didn’t want a relationship, he just didn’t want it with you. That’s hard to swallow. That hurts. I understand your impulse to lash out.

    If you contact his girlfriend and tell her he’s been fucking you, she’ll probably break up with Mike and he’ll be hurt and pissed, and you’ll probably lose his friendship.

    And you’ll still feel bad he doesn’t feel the same for you. I’m sorry, I know it hurts. Spare yourself the pain in the future and date guys who want to date you. They’ll make it clear beyond any doubt they want you, the entire you. Trust. Don’t try to break them up just because you think it’ll make you feel better. It won’t, it’ll make you feel worse.

    #1100319 Reply

    Telling the girlfriend won’t help you get what you want, him as your boyfriend, so it’s probably best if you don’t tell her. Only tell her if you want to end the FWB relationship and can’t bring yourself to do it any other way, because your FWB will almost certainly hate you if you tell her, break off your FWB relationship and probably cut you out of his life.

    FWB isn’t for everyone, it certainly isn’t for me. I did it when I was single and unhappy about it. The few times I tried it, either I fell for him, or he for me, and it was equally awkward either way. Now that I’ve experienced what sex with a soulmate feels like, there’s no way I’d ever go back to casual sex.

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