- This topic has 23 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 6 months, 1 week ago by hazel.
- July 20, 2019 at 12:40 pm #848522July 20, 2019 at 12:48 pm #848523FYIGuest
You’re not together for two years now. She broke up with you.
Look, if she’s “teary-eyed” — translation: crying — something is very wrong. The fact that you’re trying to justify this behavior is even more of a red flag. Get some help and leave her alone.July 20, 2019 at 12:51 pm #848524BittergaymarkGuest
Eh. Honestly? If you (male or female) don’t want to kiss or make out or any other teeny bopper second base and below affection… eh, you probably SHOULDN’t have a boyfriend. Period. Radical thought, I know.July 20, 2019 at 12:54 pm #848525Kate B.Guest
I had a boyfriend like you. I wasn’t strong enough to do what your girlfriend did. Good for her. What you did is sexual assault. Get some help before you go near another woman.July 20, 2019 at 1:06 pm #848526BittergaymarkGuest
Did she actually ever tell you NO? Honestly? I can’t tell from this letter. Did you two ever actually have sex?July 20, 2019 at 2:00 pm #848527HazelGuest
I think being resistant, reluctant, and tear-filled really ought to be enough of a no. Why would you even want to pursue being physical if that was the reaction? And it’s fine to have a boyfriend and boundaries, surely? It doesn’t come with an automatic permission to do x.y.z.July 20, 2019 at 2:03 pm #848528KateKeymaster
My boyfriend when I was 17 would say pressuring stuff like that he might get bored and want to break up if we didn’t have sex soon. I don’t think of it as sexual assault but it is manipulative and coercive, and I should have just broken up with him then.July 20, 2019 at 2:08 pm #848529Ele4phantGuest
Oh man what you did is not okay. I hope you are very young, and you will learn from this and not do it to anyone else in the future.
It is not okay to push someone to do something sexual (or really anything sexual or not) they aren’t comfortable doing. She should’ve been able to say no, and you needed to stop immediately and respect her boundaries. You need an enthusiastic yes, anything less than that is a no.
I can certainly understand wanting to be sexual with the person you are dating, and if you aren’t on the same page as your partner than breaking up because of sexual incompatibility is the right thing to do.
But you actually needed to break up with her – not hold the threat of it to repeatedly push her beyond her boundaries.
Like seriously, these are #metoo incidents.July 20, 2019 at 2:13 pm #848530Ele4phantGuest
BGM – the thinking has moved beyond no means no. Anything less than an enthusiastic yes is a no. And even if she never said an explicit no verbally, if she was CRYING, how else should one interpret that than she’s uncomfortable and not okay with what is happening?
Is she maybe not ready for a relationship if just kissing makes her uncomfortable? Maybe not, maybe they should’ve broken up a long time ago.
But her lack of readiness doesn’t make it okay for him to push her boundaries for two years.July 20, 2019 at 2:18 pm #848531hazelGuest
my equivalent was a guy who wanted to go further and pressured me by saying if I didn’t let him, he’d be so upset that he’d probably end up telling one/all of his guy friends how far we’d already gone–I know, classy, right?_ dumped him immediately and became (already aiming for this and in a good way, yay state education, there’s always plenty of every flavour, you are never alone) the school weirdo so what he said only made me stronger 🙂July 20, 2019 at 2:40 pm #848532LucidityGuest
What is your question, capatineoangelo? It’s not clear what you want advice about.
It’s sad that your biggest regret is threatening to break up every time you fought. You should regret consistently prioritizing what you wanted over what she wanted, pressuring her to go further than she wanted to, and dismissing her feelings when you’d fight. But no, you regret your empty threats – not because you recognize that they were attempts at manipulation, but because she finally called your bluff and left you. You’re still only thinking about yourself.
I hope being single gives you a chance to do some self reflection. If you’re not compatible with someone in the future – in any way, not just sexually – you should break up with them, not pressure them to bend to your will.July 20, 2019 at 2:48 pm #848533hazelGuest
but LW you have done harm. Don’t do this again.