“My Girlfriend Wants a No Contact Break”

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    September 18, 2023 at 1:58 pm #1125535

    From a LW:

    “I (26M) and my GF (25F) have been with each other for 3+ years. She is my first ever, I am not hers. But this has never bothered me. She has faced abuse in her previous relationships and she has hesitant to be with me for she feared the same. And I have always assured her that I will always stand by her in every step of the way. And according to her, she has never been this happy and felt safe at the same time with someone else.

    Couple of weeks ago, I could see that her mental health is absolutely wack. She doesn’t communicate with me about it. But the little conversation we had, she told me that she feels nauseous, sick, absolutely lazy and no energy to do anything. I have tried to help her by recommending therapy, giving her ample space, but I never pushed her to the edge because I know it can have a negative impact on her altogether. Yet all my suggestions were ignored.

    Last weekend after her office, she let me know that she will be hanging out with her friend. Around 11 pm, I texted/called her to check whether she reached home (she lives with her parents) and I was ignored completely. I was absolutely terrified and in panic, I called her mom, who assured me that she reached just moments ago. I will be seen as a buttface here, but I was mad and confronted her. In return she scolded me for being so overbearing and said that she was not interested anymore to tell anything to me.

    Next day, I let cooler heads prevail and I apologized for my behavior. By then, she had taken a new stance that we should go on a no contact break, asked me to focus on myself first and to let her revel in her own misery. She let me know that I never did, and in the future too, can understand her.I recognize my faults and I asked whether we should completely breakup. She told me not to rush and just advised me to take time for myself. I am out of wits and I do not know what to do. I don’t know how to help her without communicating with her.

    Please share your thoughts!”

    September 18, 2023 at 2:41 pm #1125537

    Taking a break is a good idea. She is not in a good place to be part of a relationship at present. You can’t fix her. You are trying too hard. You seem more than a tad desperate, clinging to your first for dear life. You are pushing her far harder than she can stand to be pushed. From what you wrote, it is difficult to tell how much self-work you have to do and how close you are to being ready for a healthy relationship. Your gf has her parents to assist her and has asked you to back off. You need to do that. Confronting her, because of your own fears was exactly the wrong thing to do and phoning her parents to check if she returned home safely seems a step too far.

    September 18, 2023 at 2:48 pm #1125538

    I’m also curious why you decided her mental health was absolutely whack, based upon your list of symptoms, symptoms which are purely physical and might have nothing to do with her mental health. Based on your ‘panic’ and confronting her angrily because she wasn’t in touch with her by 11 PM, even after you knew she had returned safely just a few minutes later, does indicate a level of jealousy/control that does give you something to work on.

    September 18, 2023 at 3:45 pm #1125540

    Some people like to blow things up, to prove that everything in their lives goes wrong, everyone is awful and no one can be trusted. I suspect based on nothing definitive is that she’s trying to screw things up just because.

    Love between adults shouldn’t be unconditional; she needs to treat you with kindness and respect as much as you need to treat her with the same. Do you feel that you are being treated with kindness and respect with this latest move?

    September 19, 2023 at 8:06 am #1125552

    I don’t understand why you’d call her mom and then blow up at her for ignoring you when you knew she was out with a friend. I would also find that overbearing and kind of controlling. I can see why she wants a break. I don’t think she’s doing this in the best way, but it seems like she clearly wanted a little distance even before that based on her actions.

    Please don’t call people’s mental health “absolutely whack.” That’s really not a kind way of phrasing it at all. When you’re facing depression or something else, you can’t just schedule a doctor visit and get out of it sometimes. That’s not how it works.

    You can’t help her if she doesn’t want your help. Sometimes people don’t want help, they need space. You can’t fix her and if you’re looking at her like a problem to be fixed, I can see why she’d want even more space. Maybe in some days or weeks, she’ll come back to you, since she didn’t break up, but even if she doesn’t, maybe your jump to fix or help should be restrained a little. Ask if people want advice, help or an ear for them to vent. And listen to what they say they want, not what you think they need.

    September 19, 2023 at 8:07 am #1125553

    I think you should focus on something else, go get some exercise and call a friend to hang out with.

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