- This topic has 26 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 5 days, 16 hours ago by Indigo.
- August 21, 2019 at 10:14 pm #850683AnonanonanonGuest
So my girlfriend was one year behind me in school. I just graduated college, and she is in her last year, so we’re 22 and 21. We have been dating for three years so lately we have been talking about marriage. I love her so much but honestly I just don’t feel ready…I have lots of student loans, I don’t have a steady job, we both want to go to graduate school etc. More importantly I feel like I haven’t really settled who I am as a person–I have almost no hobbies and I’m depressed, I also have a tendency to be really messy and am often tardy and so I don’t think I’d make a good spouse until I take charge of myself. She has suggested a long engagement but is firm that she wants to be married well before 30. I’m just worried we’ll grow into different people. Am I being unreasonable?August 21, 2019 at 11:15 pm #850689EssieParticipant
No, you’re not being unreasonable. Not at all. You’re being smart. If you feel you’re not ready…you’re not ready.
Even though it may feel like you’re hurting her by putting her off, it would be much, much worse for her to be married to someone who’s not sure he wants to be there.August 22, 2019 at 1:26 am #850692BittergaymarkGuest
Break up with her. The sooner one marries. The sooner they divorce. Oh — And start using condoms.August 22, 2019 at 6:43 am #850711HelenGuest
You are too young. And it sounds like you’re on the cusp of changing if you’ve already identified areas you want to improve. A 21yo who is pushing for marriage already is doing so because of crippling insecurities. There’s more than one way to lock down a man so use condoms AND pull out. Don’t believe any claims of being on birth control or having an iud, or of being sterileAugust 22, 2019 at 6:51 am #850712LoganGuest
what you said sounds smart and also sounds like you have your head on your shoulders, do not marry if you have not even lived together. I’d say the best time to marry is after dating for at least 7 years and maybe having lived with each other for 1 or 2 years.
you’ve got student loans and bills and what not, a ring, a dress and all the marriage shabang will rack you up in the thousands, you will be in debt of 100k or more before your 30.August 22, 2019 at 7:17 am #850717anonymousseMember
Wow, you are too young for this. Yes, you will grow into different people, most likely.August 22, 2019 at 9:26 am #850726Miss MJGuest
Oh, wow. Sounds like someone is determined to lock down that MRS Degree, pronto. You’re not ready to get married because you feel like you’re too young and have some growing up to do. Those are perfectly valid reasons to NOT GET MARRIED. So, don’t. And, because your GF seems desperate to be engaged (like all her other friends are, right?), I’ll echo: birth control, birth control, birth control.August 22, 2019 at 9:42 am #850732TaraMonsterParticipant
Follow your gut and do not get married right now. 22 and 21 is INCREDIBLY young. I’m a decade older than you and I only got engaged this year. You are right that you will change and grow and likely become totally incompatible people–it happened to me and my college sweetheart. We dated for 8 years, and he’s (thankfully!) not the man I’m marrying in a few months. I’d be very firm with your girlfriend and tell her marriage isn’t anywhere on your radar and you can’t give her a timeline for when it will be (because trust me, that’s going to be her follow up when you tell her this). Saying this might break you up, but honestly if that’s the thing that breaks your relationship then your relationship wasn’t meant to head to marriage anyway.August 22, 2019 at 9:44 am #850735BittergarkmarkGuest
^^EXACTLY, TaraMonster. You NAILED it with that last sentence perfectly.August 22, 2019 at 9:57 am #850737FyodorGuest
Please be careful with birth control. This is good general advice, but carries particular urgency here.August 22, 2019 at 11:04 am #850742SkyblossomParticipant
Don’t ever let yourself be pushed into marriage. When you are ready for marriage you won’t need any pushing.
Ask your girlfriend why she feels the need to get engaged now.
You should feel like you have a lifelong commitment to be together before you get engaged. The commitment should come first. An engagement/marriage won’t save a sinking ship. If you have doubts about whether the two of you will be together for life an engagement won’t change those doubts. If your girlfriend feels like you are slipping away and she wants to lock you down, again, an engagement/marriage won’t save the relationship.
The point where you refuse to get engaged is the point where she will likely either break up with you or get pregnant. If you don’t want to be a young father make sure you use protection. This is on you.August 22, 2019 at 1:20 pm #850775SilvermoonlightGuest
No one, not one single person, is the same person they were at 22 as at 32. Your 20s are a period of enormous change as you come into your adult identity.
The fact that you recognize this speaks very well about your maturity–and not so well about your girlfriend’s.
Your girlfriend wants her MRS (missus) degree. She wants to don a pretty dress and be a princess of a day. That’s all. She has zero concept of what a marriage actually entails, and for that reason alone, she has no business getting married.
Anecdote: In grad school, my best friend had to go back to her hometown of St. Louis, MO six times for different friends’ weddings. We were all 22 (they marry young in Middle America). Fast forward a decade later, 2 of those couples are divorced, 3 are bitterly trapped in a loveless marriage, and no one knows what happened to the last couple (fugitives? dead?).
TL;DR: You are right not to marry your girlfriend for all the reasons you’ve listed. If this ends your relationship (90% likely), it’s for the best.