Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

My girlfriend wants to get married I think we're too young

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Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 28 total)
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  • #850783 Reply
    avatarAnonanonanon
    Guest

    Hi, I can post a better follow-up later, but for all the people concerned she’s going to impregnate herself or something, I’m biologically incapable of impregnating anyone (I can give you the details but I’d rather you just trust me). And some people are suggesting she wants to get engaged “because all our friends are”, but honestly most of our friends are single.

    That being said I appreciate the advice, but don’t worry, there’s literally 0 chance of a baby due to the circumstances of our relationship

    #850784 Reply
    avatarSadeS
    Guest

    I see both sides. I’m in my 20s and I have plenty of friends who have been engaged for years now. Thing is, those couples had talked about the future excessively and KNEW that engagement was the next step.

    My advise, start talking about what your plans are for the future. You want to find a job in a city? You want to buy a house? Maybe get a dog? Start thinking about a bigger picture and you’ll have a better idea of whether your ready for enhancement or not. If your not seeing eye to eye, it’s probably not the best time to think about popping the question.

    #850787 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    I think you’re too young. I got married at 21, had been dating 4 years… divorced at 28. We definitely went in different directions.

    Especially if you’re not feeling it, do not get married. You need to just be honest with her that you’re not ready and not sure when you will be. She may move on, she may not, but getting married would be a really bad idea. I’d say live together a year and reevaluate.

    #850790 Reply
    avatarAnge
    Guest

    If it’s the right relationship it’ll be right in several years (at least) while you figure out your adulthood track. Weddings are a day, marriage is a lifetime.

    #850791 Reply
    avatarron
    Guest

    She wants to be married before 30, but is only 21. That is a lot of time. You are both young and haven’t begun your careers, as you both plan to go to grad school. Have the two of you had a DETAILED discussion of all the location, financial, lifestyle, religious, role of parents in your lives, household arrangement issues that will come into play when you marry? You say that you cannot father a child. Does she know that? One reason for wanting to marry young is to start a family. Does she want to adopt? Are you even going to be going to the same grad school.

    I think your concern about student debt is misplaced. That’s going to be with you for a fairly long time. Are you planning to rack up a lot more debt in grad school? What about her? Or are you in a STEM field where you’ll get tuition paid and a stipend? I’m also unclear why your current job situation is such a big issue if you intend to go to grad school. Are you just basically wasting a year, while waiting for her to graduate and be ready to go to grad school?

    My vote would be not to rush to marry, but I’d rather see you marry than agree to a long engagement, especially if you are at different grad schools. Long engagement, if not marriage, just shouts a desire to lock you down.

    #851111 Reply
    avatarMaggieB
    Guest

    Some people here are being awfully hard on the girlfriend. I certainly agree that now’s not the time to get married, and that they have some growing and maturing to do before committing in that way, but wanting to marry her boyfriend of 3 years doesn’t mean she only cares about being a pretty princess for a day. Norms depend on the area, too. At their age I was wanting to marry my boyfriend of 5 years, because I thought I was plenty grown-up to make that decision. While I am so glad we didn’t, many other longtime couples from my high school did get married around then, and all but 1 are still going strong 10 years later, generally living lives that I’m glad I’m not, but seems to make them happy.

    #851113 Reply

    LOL she is 21 and she didn’t write in. She’s not going to read these comments.

    #851114 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    What if you told your gf that you don’t want to get married before you’re 27-28? What would she say? What if you told her that you want to minimally establish yourself in your profession, get your own apartment and live on your own for a bit? Get your post college social group in place? Join a team at the Y?

    If waiting until you pass your quarter-life checkpoint is a deal breaker for her… I’m with Taramonster, it wasn’t going to work anyway.

    #851122 Reply
    avatarTheHizzy
    Guest

    Young marriage works for very few people. It’s not a decision to go lightly. You grow and develop drastically in your 20s. You’re smart to know it’s not right for you at this moment.

    Discuss this at length with your girlfriend. See if being engaged helps her validate your relationship and dig further into that. She might be feeling insecure because of something. There might be something else going on there she doesn’t even realize herself yet.

    #851164 Reply

    I think it’s best to wait for a long, long time. It’s work for me and my girlfriend. We’ve been officially together for about a decade and we are just happy not being married. It’ll probably be years before we do. Of course, it’s ultimately up to you in the end. But for me, I prefer a slow lifestyle.

    #851174 Reply
    avatarAnonymous xx
    Guest

    If you don’t want to get married maybe you are with the wrong person. Let her go so she can find someone else. If you can’t move forward then treat her with respect by admitting it. It should not be that hard. Either you are in a relationship or you are not. It isn’t your age that’s the problem. It is more about maturity and what you both want out of life.

    #864948 Reply
    avatarbde
    Participant

    You are not being unreasonable at all. Marriage is a major commitment and should not be rushed into. Both individuals need to be ready and accept what may occur during marriage. This includes the possibility of children as well as making important financial decisions (house, cars, any lifestyle changes and/or emergencies, etc.). Tell her how you feel about getting married. Tell her you need time to think, but make sure she knows that you love her. Both of you need to make sure that you are ready for marriage in every way fathomable. Don’t be afraid to tell her that you need time, because if you keep it to yourself and let her control your life, you could end up living in a realm of nightmares. Wishing you the best of luck,

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