Dear Wendy
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“My husband and I see eye to eye on everything… except this”

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice “My husband and I see eye to eye on everything… except this”

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  • #849548 Reply
    avatarDear Wendy

    From a LW:

    “I’ll try to make this as short as possible. My husband and I met in college 5 years ago. We began dating about three months after we met and have been together since then. We got married in April of this year.

    The college where we met was exactly 1 hour away from his family and exactly 4 hours away from mine.

    My family is VERY tight. I mean we all live in the same city and do stuff together at leave 4 days a week tight. Small town living tight. So while four hours may not seem like a lot so some people, it was VERY hard for me. My plan was always to move back home after I got my masters degree then get my law degree from the law school back home.

    My husband’s family is not as tight as mine. That’s not to say they’re not close because they are. But they are probably more like what most people think of when they think family–they get together for the holidays or the kids basketball games or whatever but that’s about it. Basically about 2x a month on average.

    Anyway. I finished school in 2016 and moved back home. My husband (then boyfriend) and I had only been dating about 15 months or so but we were in love nonetheless and we immediately realized that living 4 hours apart was too difficult. So as soon as I was able to find someone to take over my lease and got a job I moved back to our school city to live with him. I’m 3 years old than him, four years ahead in school, so this decision was being made he had 2 years left to finish his bachelor’s degree. Even though my original plan was to get my law degree straight out of graduate school I genuinely didn’t mind waiting 2 years if it meant us not being apart. So the plan was stay there for 2 years while he went to school and then move back closer to my family and start talking about having kids and all that jazz.

    Cut 2 years ahead to now. He has not gone to school at all. The short reason for why is that there were some financial issues which couldn’t be fixed until he and I got married or he was 26 (whichever came first) and we didn’t want to cheapen a marriage by only getting married for that reason. So fast forward now that we are married he can begin school this year (in September). (We don’t have any kids yet by the way. But we’re no longer doing anything to prevent conception.)

    My husband doesn’t actually care about getting his degree. He only decided to pursue one because it’s the difference between 40,000 a year vs 6 figures a year in his field.

    I, as I mentioned above, have always intended to get my law degree. But as there are no law schools near us I cannot do that until we move.

    I am a very very very extroverted social person. He is basically a social introvert.

    Since all my friends and family live 4 hours away and his family isn’t as tight as mine a lot of my time here is lonely. But I always found ways to deal with it because I knew it was temporary.

    Idk what has changed lately, maybes it’s just that the original 2 years is up so mentally I’m ready to be home, or what… but it has become devastatingly difficult for me to keep living away. It doesn’t help that I work weekends and evenings and my husband and family like most people work a regular 9-5 m-f job. So I barely see my husband let alone can I go visit my family. But we’ve tried for 1.5 years to find me another job to at least offset that issue and it’s been fruitless.

    Anyway okay so here’s the issue at hand. The school where we met, where he completed the first 2 years of his degree, and where he intends to start this fall provided he gets back in, is the best university in the state for his field. The university back home where I’m from is the 2nd best in the state for his field and costs about $3,000 more a year. That being said he will confirm that having one vs the other on his resume will NOT affect his chances of getting a job. That coupled with the fact that he spent the last 2 years building up his experience means despite me having a masters and him having an associate’s he’s sitting way prettier in his field than I. (That’s just the nature of my field unfortunately.)

    He wants to stay here for another, presumably, 2 years so he can finish the same program he started. But I am MISERABLE. I’m bored. I’m lonely. I’m mentally exhausted. And if we stay here another 2 years all my cousins will almost be done with school meaning I missed EVERYTHING in their lives so there’s not much point in moving back because they’ll all be going to college.

    I don’t think it is unreasonable to move now because he’d merely be trading one university for another. Yes it’s more expensive but only slightly (we can afford the $3,000 difference). Yes it’s less prestigious but again only slightly. NEITHER of those will affect his ability to get a high level job in his field… which, again, is the only reason he’s getting the degree in the first place.

    Anyway if we stay here I’m going to be miserable. I’ve never resented him and I don’t believe I ever would. I love him. But my family as much as they love him they don’t get why he won’t just go to the university back by my home.

    Anyway he started looking into the possibility of us moving down there now but every time it comes up it’s clear to me he will not be happy. For example he got an interview offer to which he has respond this week. When I asked him about it tonight (if he was gonna take it) he said yeah but he has to update his resume. So I asked if wanted help and he said no. I said when are you gonna work on it and he flipped out and said that was me trying to imply that he should “get off his ass” and do it NOW.

    Now he calmed down and apologized for taking it that way once I told him that wasn’t what I meant at all but the point is this reaction is on par with every time the topic comes up. So I said are you going to be unhappy if we move? And he said yes but not as u happy as you are living away from your family.

    My husband has a bad habit of bottling up his true feelings until they come out at an inappropriate time and also he’s one to NEVER forget a wrong you do to him. I love him to death we’re just very different in that area. So i am afraid if we move he will resent me forever. I don’t want to gain happiness by being by my family if it means he’ll be unhappy because of the change in schools. Honestly then I’ll just be unhappy that he’s unhappy…

    Idk what to do…”

    #849550 Reply
    avatarDear Wendy

    Number one thing to do is to use birth control!!!! Do NOT bring a child into this confusion and turmoil and unhappiness. You say you’re miserable. A baby ain’t gonna fix that – I promise you. It sounds like you didn’t put a lot of thought into things before you got married. The least you can do now is put some thought into the right time to have a baby and this is not it.

    #849551 Reply

    A lot of issues here. You are both losing years on your education and career. The ‘we didn’t want to cheapen marriage by doing it so he can continue college’ was a bad idea. You were already ahead of him in age and education and this dumped him 2 more years behind. He should care about his degree. The difference between $40K and 6 figures income to do essentially the same thing is huge. Worse, it won’t be essentially the same thing. Employers give more interesting and important work and see them more as being on an upward career path if they are six-figure professionals with a degree than if they are $40K college dropouts.

    You are EXTREMELY wedded to your family. I can see how that would frighten your husband, concerning moving to your home town. Doing things at least 4 days a week with your wife’s birth family, when you are used to getting together with family once every other work would be oppressive. Have you talked together about what the dynamic of your life will be if the two of you move back to your home town? I see trauma for him. It sounds like his family screwed him over on college financial aid.

    Law school isn’t easy and your husband has 2 more years of college and you haven’t decided where you will live AND you say you are terribly unhappy. As Wendy said why in the world aren’t you on birth control. Honestly, it sounds like you are trying to force the issue and make your husband drop out of school to support his family.

    #849552 Reply

    I had the same initial thought at Wendy. DO NOT HAVE A BABY RIGHT NOW. USE BIRTH CONTROL.

    Honestly, my second thought was divorce. You’re young. You can and will find a better match. It sounds like you’re giving up a lot and/or putting your life on hold to be with this guy. Your law degree. Your happiness. What is he doing for you? And since he had to put his degree on hold, why didn’t you stay home and work on your law degree?

    If divorce is not an option, couples counseling. For being together 5 years, you don’t know each other very well. Why wasn’t this discussed more? The where to live thing?

    #849554 Reply

    OMG WHY ARE YOU “no longer doing anything to prevent conception”!?!?! Prevent conception! Why would you bring a baby into this mess right now? What would that solve? It will make every single thing so much more complicated and stressful. Parenting is hard with a loving, dedicated and giving partner. And with a selfish man? I imagine it probably really sucks.

    You’re at odds with your husband and you’re basically in a pissing match about who will cave first. And guess who that will be? You’ll cave because you love him, but he would not move for you. Can you see that? You’ve put your life on hold for him, expecting him to do you the same favor and now it’s time and….nope.

    You’re miserable. If you move, he’ll be miserable. If you don’t move, you’ll be more and more miserable.

    I think you should move back home, and let him stay where he is. I also think you should get on some form of BC. I honestly think you got married to someone who was hoping you’d give up your dream of living near your family. You throw in that he keeps score and bottles up his feelings. So he’s emotionally immature, at best.

    Move home. Go to law school. Let him figure his shit out and see where you both end up.


    #849555 Reply

    Also, I’d love to know the financial issues that could only be fixed if you two got married or he turned 26.

    #849556 Reply

    Ktfran — that’s why I say his parents screwed him over. Until you are 26 or married, your parents’ income is counted as $ available for college tuition, even if they refuse to pay anything towards tuition. That makes him ineligible for financial aid. If I had to guess, I’d say his parents are playing at ‘helpful’ tough-love and cut him off financially as long as he is with LW. They also see this as a bad match.

    #849557 Reply

    If you have a baby where you’re at now YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO MOVE HOME!! If your husband doesn’t want to move & you end up divorced, you could be prevented from moving from the area by family court. Get on birth control today!!

    He never forgets a wrong and hold grudges and bottles up true feelings until he explodes. Not someone I would want to raise kids with

    #849559 Reply

    Break up.
    Move home.
    Oh, and marry one of your brothers. Nobody — and I mean NOBODY — will ever want to spend upwards of four nights a week with your disturbingly clingy family.

    #849570 Reply

    @ktfran and @ron, my younger brother is going through something similar. You MUST put your parents information down when applying for FAFSA if you wish to qualify for any type of aid. Unfortunately my dad is a POS and hasn’t filed taxes in 5 years, which makes it impossible for my younger brother to get aid unless he emancipates himself. It is extremely difficult to become declared independent from your parents–I know because I was able to do it when my dad screwed me over, but my brother hasn’t been so lucky. I was entirely at the mercy of the business office at my university. They ruled in my favor. My brother hasn’t been so lucky and he’s been scrounging and working his way through school. He’s a very, very smart kid and it ticks me off to no end to see history repeating itself. He’s 21 and doesn’t want to postpone his future for 4 more years so he’s doing his best to make it work.

    Anyway. The point is I doubt the financial situation is a reflection of some type of character flaw on the part of LW’s husband. But I do think she needs to move back to her home town and start law school. Try the long distance out. It’s hard, but it can be done. 4 hours isn’t the end of the world.

    #849574 Reply

    OK, first and foremost – unless you’re going to a top tier law school – you’re going to spend a lot of money that will likely go to waste. Seriously, do some research about jobs in law that are available in your area and what they are earning and where they graduated from.

    Putting your careers on hold for a year or two isn’t really terrible, but being miserable for 2 years is. Why are you so miserable? Are you doing anything in your community? Are you involved at all or are you just leaning on your husband as your entire support system?

    Is your husband hesitant to move closer to your family because they will be all up in your business all the time and he doesn’t really want to spend as much time with your family as you do? And do you understand that or does that confuse you because they are your family and this is totally normal to you but not normal to him? Do you understand why spending the majority of the week with your parents and siblings, as a young married professional, is weird? Because it’s a little weird, like a sitcom but still not normal.

    Do not get pregnant. Law school and pregnancy or early infant care are really not compatible.

    #849587 Reply

    Well, here’s the good news, believe it or not… this situation is much worse than you think.

    You think if y’all just agree on where to live, it’ll all be peachy. No. Recognize the real problems, so you can actually address them:

    1. BGM is right. No partner wants to hang with someone’s family 4x a week. Your family isn’t just “close,” you’re enmeshed. It’s unfair to ask that of a partner.
    2. Being enmeshed causes all kinds of interpersonal problems. Your goal in life should be to be your own person.
    3. All the way down the line, you’re making poor decisions, and you don’t even know it. A baby!? That’s just one example. Delaying education is another.
    4. Anyone who “doesn’t care” to get a degree that will triple his salary is … uh, very foolish. You’re idealizing him. The facts you cite make him sound less-than-capable, to put it nicely.

    You need marriage counseling.

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