Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“My husband and I see eye to eye on everything… except this”

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice “My husband and I see eye to eye on everything… except this”

This topic contains 48 replies, has 10 voices, and was last updated by bittergaymark Bittergaymark 1 week, 4 days ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 49 total)
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  • #849591 Reply
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    ron

    And despite his obvious shortcomings, if he had written in, I’d advise him to run from this woman. Any married woman, risking a pregnancy, whose main goal in life is to never leave her birth family — with 4+ family get-togethers a week, this guy might as well reconcile himself to living in her childhood bedroom. Both LW and her guy seem very immature and she writes as if they haven’t had a really deep conversation since they met — you know, one where you fully explore and try to resolve serious differences, rather than sliding them off for another day. I think her guy is the more mature of the two — he was willing and able to go LDR, she says she couldn’t bear it and went running to him — can’t live apart from him, can’t live apart from her parents. Does she have any independence at all? Is she totally unable to make friends and entertain herself away from family and husband?

    Law school and a baby? What a joke! Needless to say, her parents will have to babysit just about full time, which will lock her husband even more tightly into her birth family orbit. Certainly not how I would ever agree to live my life.

    #849593 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    How do you live in a place for 6 years and have no friends? Part of your loneliness is because you can’t think beyond your family and husband. It sounds like your friends at home are your much younger cousins who will be leaving for college. Do you understand that it is nice to be close to your family but you’re closeness is also over-the-top for almost everyone you will ever know.

    Don’t expect your entire family to stick to your town. They won’t. Those cousins will go to school and meet people and get degrees and move to places that both support their relationships and their careers. You need to start thinking beyond your family of origin. You can move home and still end up lonely. You are lonely because you don’t make friends.

    #849597 Reply
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    Fyodor

    “My husband doesn’t actually care about getting his degree. He only decided to pursue one because it’s the difference between 40,000 a year vs 6 figures a year in his field.”

    This is a weird diss. This is why a lot of people go to college and is a perfectly good reason. Colleges put it in their advertising.

    #849598 Reply
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    Fyodor

    @Ron, @FYI, I don’t think that she’s saying that he doesn’t take the degree seriously. I think that she saying that his degree shouldn’t matter because he didn’t care about it for its own sake, but rather only for the extra money it brings.

    #849606 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    That struck me as odd and off, too — but was swiftly eclipsed by the cult like family expectations…

    #849613 Reply
    CurlyQue
    CurlyQue
    Participant

    @Ron regarding FASFA, i don’t think it’s fair to say his family screwed him on financial aid. Just because FASFA decides your parents should contribute $ to your education doesn’t mean that’s reality.

    LW, your original plan doesn’t even make sense. He’d finish school and then you’d move to your hometown where you’d start the baby making AND law school?! I don’t understand why you both didn’t move when his financial aid didn’t work out. Why did you waste years hanging out in the college town when neither of you were going to school? I think it’s obvious that your’e not that interested in a career in law. If you were, one of the jobs you could’ve taken on would be a paralegal and/or legal assistant which would allow for a 9-5 mon-fri work week.

    Also, i want to second (third, fourth…) that seeing your family 4x a week isn’t realistic to having a full life. I consider my family very close and while we text and call all the time, we only see each other 1-2x a month.

    #849617 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    It sounds like the bloom has worn off your marriage. You have an expectation that you husband will be your everything when you are away from your family of origin and nobody can be your everything. You are beginning to see him as a full person with strengths but also weaknesses. Maybe all that family closeness harmed your social skills. You don’t seem to know how to socialize outside of family. You don’t seem to know how to make good friends. Now you think if you just moved home you’d be happy but home will be changing too and it won’t be what it was when you were growing up. You will still need to learn how to make friends.

    I too thought the comment about your husband not caring whether he finishes school as odd. If he wasn’t interested in going to school he wouldn’t have enrolled for this fall. It sounds like you are trying to downplay his attending school to infer that he should move to your family because you want to move to your family.

    You don’t seem to understand how much work a new born is and how much work law school is and that you probably don’t have time to do both. It sounds like you are trying to sabotage law school or that you aren’t realistic about what it will take to get through. Do you know that law schools are graduating far more lawyers than needed so many newly graduated lawyers can’t find jobs but have massive student loans to pay? How do you expect to have top quality grades while taking care of an infant?

    You will only be happy if you find it within yourself. You would probably benefit from counseling.

    Your husband is now your nuclear family but you don’t seem to realize that. You probably see him every day but you can’t expect him to entertain you every day. You have to figure out a social life. Moving won’t guarantee that.

    #849622 Reply

    Where did she say she didn’t have any friends? I’m not seeing that anywhere.

    #849624 Reply
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    ktfran
    Participant

    I wondered the same as @curlyque in regard to the two year education gap. If he couldn’t go to school for two years, why didn’t you both go back for your law degree? That seems odd to me.

    I’ll also agree to the 4 times a week. I could see 1, occasionally 2 because of how my family is/was… but 4?!? How do you do anything else?

    #849626 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    Well she says she’s miserable. And that to me says she has no life outside of her marriage. I could totally be wrong, but many people have moved for careers or marriage and have created their communities. It sounds like the OP is just not bothering because soon enough she’ll be back with her family.

    #849628 Reply

    Ehh, just because she’s miserable and didn’t mention friends doesn’t mean she doesn’t have them. This was about her husband mostly.

    It could be she hasn’t invested much in those, because it seems like she’s working a lot and had an expiration date in mind. I’ve moved around a lot and I make friends. I’ve still been pretty down living certain places.

    #849629 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    I bet 10 to 1 she has no friends.

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