Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“My husband and I see eye to eye on everything… except this”

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice “My husband and I see eye to eye on everything… except this”

This topic contains 48 replies, has 10 voices, and was last updated by bittergaymark Bittergaymark 1 week, 4 days ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 25 through 36 (of 49 total)
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  • #849631 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    She’s lonely and the only people she mentions are family. She mentions her schedule and how it doesn’t fit with her husband’s schedule or her family’s schedules. She even mentions the cousins at home but no mention of friends.

    I just get a sense of a family that did everything with family and so didn’t have time for friends. The only change she wants to make is to take her husband back with her and have him be part of the family.

    #849633 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    The other thing is that the cousins she is wanting to spend time with are so much younger that they are still in high school. That’s a huge age gap but they are the people she mentions going home to spend time with as if that is her social circle.

    She feels the need to do this now because those cousins will soon grow up and go to college. It doesn’t sound like they will go this fall but in a year or two. She is grasping for a situation that will change anyway. Those cousins will move away. Some may come back but probably not all of them and maybe none of them. You’ve been away for approximately nine years. You can’t expect your social life to revolve around cousins who were in elementary school when you left. Even if you show up at all of their school activities they will go out afterwards with friends. Maybe you envision going to their activities with your parents and aunts and uncles and talking to your parents and other relatives while the activities are happening? It’s not a bad idea to support your cousins and want to show up for them but there are very few men who are going to want to be enmeshed that tightly with your family.

    If you are very, very, very extroverted why don’t you have any friends where you are living? If your husband is introverted I can see him not wanting to have to socialize with his wife’s family 4x per week. He will need some down quiet time after going to work and school.

    You sound depressed. The best thing to do for depression is to see a doctor. At least find out if you are depressed before making life changing decisions.

    #849635 Reply
    avatar
    Fyodor

    “Since all my friends and family live 4 hours away and his family isn’t as tight as mine a lot of my time here is lonely”

    #849636 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    She has friends back home but in nine years she hasn’t made friends where she lives. Her reason for needing to go back now instead of in two years is the cousins and her loneliness.

    #849638 Reply

    Good catch, fyodor.

    Her reasons to go back home also include that that was their agreement, and she wants to go back home to go to law school. She put her life on hold for him and he hasn’t been going to school and now isn’t willing to move for her.

    I don’t know where you get that she’s lived there for nine years. She met her husband five years ago. She finished college and moved back home in 2016. And she keeps repeating that the two years are up.

    #849640 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    “And if we stay here another 2 years all my cousins will almost be done with school meaning I missed EVERYTHING in their lives so there’s not much point in moving back because they’ll all be going to college.”

    You shouldn’t be making your future plans based on something that is so transient that in two years it will be over. You need to make plans with your husband based on what is best for the two of you. What will help your careers the most and give you the greatest shot at happiness? Is the law school you wish to attend a good one? Is it a top tier school? IF it is good, if it isn’t where do you really need to go to attend law school? You will never have everything in life so you have to prioritize, with your spouse, to get the things you value most highly. Supporting your cousins during high school is nice but should it be a top priority for the two of you? It apparently wasn’t when you moved back to your current location.

    Again, I’m guessing that maybe you are depressed. When you went home after college you weren’t happy there and moved back to be with your boyfriend but now that you’ve married him you aren’t happy where you are. Perhaps you are a grass is always greener on the other side type of person. If you had really wanted law school you would have gone. You chose your relationship over law school. I say this as someone who moved away from my boyfriend to go to grad school and even after we were married we did long distance for a year. If you moved back home now and started law school would you have time to socialize with your family 4x per week? Would you still be unhappy?

    I wonder if career counseling would also help. You are bored and lonely and not happy with your current job that you got with your graduate degree. Will you be any happier with a law degree and a job that demands at least 60 hours per week? Maybe you need to explore other options. What are the various careers that you would find interesting and fun and fulfilling? Can you study any of them where you are? It is up to you to fill your days in a way that is meaningful to you. So far you haven’t managed to do that with your degrees and jobs.

    You weren’t happy at home and you aren’t happy with your husband. You need to dig deep and decide what it is you need most. Then figure out whether life with your husband is compatible with what you need. Don’t assume that a specific location or a specific job will meet your needs. Really research it. What interests you? What excites you? What challenges you? What jobs would use your extroverted personality in a positive way? What jobs would meet your needs as an extrovert to have a lot of interaction with people? Would any of your interests pay enough to live comfortably?

    You need to start making considered decisions. You have a graduate degree in a field that leaves you bored. You have a husband that won’t communicate. You assume going home will make you happy even though that didn’t work after college. Quit just jumping to the next thing and expecting to be happy. Know yourself well enough to make better decisions. Take your time and research options. Know that any choice you make means there are other choices being left behind, like going back to live with your boyfriend/husband meant not seeing your cousins so much. Every life decisions has trade-offs. You can’t have everything so have what you want most.

    #849642 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    I get nine years from 4 years undergrad. 2 years grad school. Finished three years ago in 2016. 4+2+3=9. Minus however long she spent back at home. She has spent almost her entire adult life where she is currently living.

    She also said her husband couldn’t start school for several years. He had to wait until now to go back to school and still has two years until he finishes. He wasn’t going to be done in two years after she returned. It would only be two years after they got married or he turned 26 and they didn’t feel that was the right reason to get married, which is a good thing. He didn’t back out on a promise. He has been waiting to go to school and she chose to wait with him rather than go to law school. Now he’s going to school. He could move to do that but apparently he isn’t willing.

    #849645 Reply
    CurlyQue
    CurlyQue
    Participant

    LW, definitely look into career counseling for yourself, therapy for yourself and then marital counseling. As @skyblossom points out your decisions seem to be based on “i’m unhappy, i’m missing X, once i get X i’ll be happy” and that’s not the way life works.

    Don’t disparage your husband’s degree. You state multiple times that he wants it for a higher income but not because he’s passionate. Implying that you are passionate about your education so your degree should trump your husband’s. However 1. Wanting a degree for a significantly higher income is a very valid reason. 2. You put your education on hold and now want to do it as well as start having a family which isn’t really realistic. I think therapy would help you get down to what you really want. Is it to have a baby while your husband supports the family with his six figure job? That’s ok, but it all needs to be discussed.

    #849651 Reply

    She never said she did her undergrad there.

    #849652 Reply

    So the plan was stay there for 2 years while he went to school and then move back closer to my family and start talking about having kids and all that jazz.

    Cut 2 years ahead to now. He has not gone to school at all. The short reason for why is that there were some financial issues which couldn’t be fixed until he and I got married or he was 26 (whichever came first) and we didn’t want to cheapen a marriage by only getting married for that reason. So fast forward now that we are married he can begin school this year (in September).

    #849653 Reply

    She also wrote that he hasn’t been accepted back into his program for the fall yet so…I’m not sure this whole argument that he does care about completing his degree is very strong.

    #849654 Reply
    avatar
    Fyodor

    She did her undergrad there.

    “My husband and I met in college 5 years ago. We began dating about three months after we met and have been together since then. We got married in April of this year.”

    “The college where we met was exactly 1 hour away from his family and exactly 4 hours away from mine.”

    ” So as soon as I was able to find someone to take over my lease and got a job I moved back to our school city to live with him.”

    “Since all my friends and family live 4 hours away and his family isn’t as tight as mine a lot of my time here is lonely.”

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