Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“My husband and I see eye to eye on everything… except this”

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice “My husband and I see eye to eye on everything… except this”

This topic contains 48 replies, has 10 voices, and was last updated by bittergaymark Bittergaymark 1 week, 4 days ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 37 through 48 (of 49 total)
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  • #849656 Reply

    `I assumed they met when she was in grad school because she finished in 2016.

    #849657 Reply
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    Fyodor

    Gotcha

    #849661 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    I also want to reiterate that you need to use birth control. There’s a chance that you may find that you and your husband are simply incompatible. It’s unfair to bring a child into the world when you know this.

    There’s a lot going on here, so I’m going to focus in on a couple of things. I think you two should look into counseling together, since it sounds like your communication together is not all that great and that no one can really tell whether the other person is being upfront about their feelings or not. You don’t want to be making decisions because you assume he’s not being honest about his feelings or because you assume he may resent you one day. That’s sort of silly. You two want totally opposite things, and it appears that you both have decided if you don’t get to do things how you want, you will be miserable. I’m not really sure how to solve that. I think counseling would help you guys find a way to come to a decision.

    That said, I was struck by your declaration that you will be miserable. I mean, yeah, if you go into something deciding you will be miserable, you will be. Keep in mind that this may be a self-fulfilling prophecy. It sounds like you’re not really doing anything to keep from being miserable. If you’re unwilling to move because you think he’ll resent you and you think there’s no point in 2 years, then your choices appear to be being miserable or potentially splitting up.

    #849870 Reply
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    Leon

    Mmm. Marriage counseling and therapy. Or even better, divorce and therapy. Your husband holding grudges certainly doesn’t make him the best person to being married to, if you ask me.

    You don’t sound to have your shit together, and I suspect that your marriage has been a burden and a sacrifice. Who gets married to feel the way you feel? Nobody with their shit together.

    If I were your husband it would be torturous having to meet my in laws four times a week. Exhausting! No wonders why he doesnt want to move to that town with those clingy people.

    And BtW. Dont you have interests of your own? It sounds being really bored seeing family 4x a week. I need my nights to paint or watch shit. And if I had a partner, to invest some of my not working hours in our relationship both of us. Also “me” time. I’ll barely have time to do this if I had to see my family that much.

    #849890 Reply
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    THe other Sarah

    Solid advice

    #849899 Reply
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    allathian

    Get birth control ASAP. Your marriage is a mess, and until you get it sorted out it won’t be a good place to raise a kid in.

    Second, get counseling, both for yourself so you can figure out what YOU really want out of life, and marriage counseling.

    I despise people who hold grudges, but in spite of that, I don’t blame your husband for getting cold feet about moving to your hometown. Independent adults, especially those who have a spouse and/or children, don’t spend 4+ nights a week with their birth families or even extended families.

    In short, stop hankering after the life you had in the past with your family, and start living today. Do what you can to make an independent, fulfilling life for yourself, with or without your husband.

    #849924 Reply
    bagge72
    bagge72
    Participant

    So you originally tried to fix your situation with a marriage, and that’s not working, so you are going to try to fix the broken solution with a baby? That’s just dumb, you never should have been married in the first place, let him figure his on finances out. He has a full time job, he can go to school part time at night, and pay less. Yes it will take longer, but he’d be almost done by now if he started right away. Also is there no compromise city between your current city and your hometown?

    #849957 Reply
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    Donna

    You preface your post with the statement that you and your husband see eye-to-eye on everything except for this. This is a HUGE thing not to see eye-to-eye on. It literally ties up every aspect of your life. I would categorize this is a significant, overarching issue in your relationship.

    #850203 Reply
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    Danielle

    (We don’t have any kids yet by the way. But we’re no longer doing anything to prevent conception.)

    NOOOOOOOOOOO

    #850238 Reply
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    SpaceySteph
    Participant

    Definitely start preventing conception again, ASAP. Newborns stress good relationships nearly to the breaking point, sleep deprivation and wacky hormone cocktails do not help bad relationships.

    If you both agree to be living in your hometown in 2 years, why not you just move there now. Having a long distance marriage with a finite end date is not the worst thing. I had a coworker who had a long distance marriage for 18 months while her husband finished up med school; they both moved out of town (with 2 kids) when he started, she got another job and they rented out their house here fully planning to move back. She hated it so she got her old job back, moved back with the kids, and lived here while he stayed and finished school. Was it ideal? No. But it was only for a little while and turned out ok (still married, had a third kid, he’s a Dr, she got a promotion).

    If your relationship can’t survive 2 years long distance then it wasn’t built to last anyways.

    #850263 Reply
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    Mimi

    Dear LW,
    You made a one-sided sacrifice to return to your college town so the two of you could be together while boyfriend finished his last two years for his degree. Upon which, what? He immediately dropped out of school and you fell into a denial-coma during which you married the man you made a one-sided sacrifice for and who, years later, still hasn’t done his part? In fact, when he has a great job opportunity, he half-asses it and yells at you when you try to motivate him to do the minimum.

    It would be one thing if he came to you with a deeply thoughtful and inclusive wish to reassess his life path and future plans in a way that takes both of you into account, but no, he hasn’t done anything like that and instead behaves like a spoiled boy, one with increasing student debt and little commitment to his schooling, his supposed career and, it appears, to you.

    This is a no-brainer. Don’t get pregnant, go home, go to law school and hang out with your family. Let him clean up (or not clean up) his own mess. If it were me, I’d cut him loose permanently but only you can decide when you’ve had enough.

    #850266 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    @mimi I don’t see how he is being half-assed. He didn’t ask her to move to be with him. She decided she missed him to much too stay at home and go to college. Which of them was actually being half-assed. She could have started law school but she didn’t. That was her choice. He doesn’t have to give up his education to reciprocate. He appears to be the one more dedicated to continuing their education. When she moved or soon after she moved she knew that he would be unable to go to school until they were either married or he turned 26. She knew he wouldn’t be finished with school in two years but now that she is married she is suddenly upset that he isn’t finished with school. She has known for the entire last two years that he wasn’t in school and wouldn’t be in school. She was fine living that way until she got married. He couldn’t have agreed to finish his degree when they both knew he couldn’t attend at that time and wouldn’t be attending until he was either older or they got married. He is now married and so can file the paper work needed to attend college. He no longer needs a parent’s signature. And as soon as he hit that point he said he intended to go to school. He is going as soon as he could. Nothing half-assed about that. She is the one demeaning his education. If she values a law degree she should move back home and start law school. They should be fine doing long distance and seeing each other on the weekends. She should make sure she actually wants a law degree. The average new law job isn’t very family friendly and she seems family oriented. There is nothing wrong with being family oriented but she needs to pick a career that she finds satisfying and that is also family friendly. She currently has two degrees that have gotten her a job that she finds boring. She needs to not repeat that mistake. She needs to get it right this time.

    My daughter has a friend going through this same FAFSA problem right now. It is a really ugly thing and you wonder how people can be so cruel to their own children. The LW is lucky that her parents were far more supportive of her education than her husband’s parents have been toward his.

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