My husband and mother slept together before we were together and lied to me.

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  • Maytay
    April 8, 2024 at 1:40 am #1128745

    I found out this last week in front of all my family that my husband, whom I have been with for almost 10 years slept with my mother before we got together. We have three children together but I do not want to stay. The thing is my mother has done some horrible things to me in the past including sleeping with my friends and even a boyfriend. She also blamed me for having pschotic breakdownz because she had me when she was 16. Fast forward to when I am 17, I have no relationship with her and I meet my now husband. I asked him two days into us talking if he slept with my moth (we are from the same town and my mom slept with a lot of people). He looked me in the eye and said “no, thats disgusting how could you think that?” Of course I believed him. Fast forward some and we get pregnant with our daughter ans he convinces me that it would be good to let my mother back into my life. I stupidly agreed. Now over the past 10 years my insecurities and paranoia about my mom came up and I would ask him and he would deny it every time (at least 25 times). So, my mother told me in front of the family and I called her a liar and he told me he could not lie to me and she was telling the truth.
    Everyone keeps telling me to get over it because it happened in his past, but I feel like our entire relationship was based on a lie. The two people who are meant to love and protect me the most lied straight to my face for 10 years.
    Am I justified in wanting to leave?

    April 8, 2024 at 4:47 am #1128746

    Yes, that’s a major betrayal and I can understand wanting to leave. It’s not your only option though.

    Also, don’t physically leave with the kids if you don’t have any place to go except back to your mother. You can ask your husband to leave. You could ask him to leave temporarily while you figure this out. During this time, you could insist on couples therapy and individual therapy for yourself and maybe set yourself a timeframe to decide what to do.

    You could ask him to leave and start divorce proceedings. Before doing this though, you should consult with a lawyer. And I would say only move toward divorce if your marriage was already not working, you already wanted out before this lie came to light.

    In any case I think you’re completely justified in telling him to leave.

    But you have to think, has he been a loving husband and a good partner, good father? Do you love him? You might be able to get past this breach of trust. You’re going to need professional help though. Which, if you have access to it, you should get regardless because your mother really messed with you. You may need to cut ties with her. Maybe even move the hell away from that town.

    You do have options.

    April 8, 2024 at 6:48 am #1128759

    Sorry, I read this again, and your mother is the one you absolutely need to kick out of your life immediately. You had cut ties with her, which is good, and you should do it again. She is sick and trying to harm you, or why else would she announce in front of a bunch of family members that she had slept with your husband?

    Kick her to the curb and then decide what to do about your marriage.

    April 8, 2024 at 7:13 am #1128760

    Agree 100% with Kate. Remove toxic mother immediately. Only you know if your marriage is worth saving. If it is, consider finding work in another town. The school year is ending. Here’s your chance.

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My husband and mother slept together before we were together and lied to me.

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