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Dear Wendy

“My Husband Cheats on My When I’m Pregnant”

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Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 27 total)
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  • #847346 Reply

    And women like this LW do everything they can to help.

    #847347 Reply

    I know you don’t see it, Mark, but that’s your male privilege. I get that you don’t think you have that much privilege because you think your life is shitty, but you do.

    #847348 Reply

    I really don’t know what women in crappy relationships has to do with feminism? We could reach 100% equality and people (men and women) will still be in crappy relationships.

    #847349 Reply

    Whatever. New advice to LW. Since you are clearly a masochist with no intention to ever leave your own bad choices, LW, you only have one option.
    Never get pregnant again.
    Though — newsflash — your cad will quickly find another reason to fuck around. So, I guess your only real option is to simply learn to love being cheated on.

    #847352 Reply

    I don’t see the ‘he will cheat again’ aspect at the present time, as much as ‘he has fully checked out of this relationship’. LW is grieving and badly needs his support, while he vanishes until past midnight. For whatever reason one wants to name, this reason is over and he has abandoned LW in her time of greatest need. She won’t be able to forget that and I doubt his interest in her will magically rekindle.

    Feminism enters this only peripherally, in that some (really more than a tiny some) are actively rebelling against their loss of male preference, compared to prior generations and taking it out on women in general. A lot of men who previously were themselves solidly middle class or whose fathers were are hurting economically and status-wise, because of changes in the economy. Through media and conservative politics, the 1% have done a truly excellent job of brainwashing these hurting men into believing that their problems and lost privilege and financial well-being are due not to big economic changes or an avaricious top 1%, but to the poor, the minorities, immigrants, and especially women. As women have made progress in getting top-flight education and good jobs, they make relatively easy targets and feminism is blamed.

    The other sad truth is that there are a lot of belligerent, not terribly successful men, many with substance abuse problems, out there and many women are going to have to ‘settle’ to marry. This guy wasn’t prime marriage material, he is unhappy, and he is acting out in a way that harms his partner.

    #847355 Reply

    I could probably write a long treatise on fidelity in American marriage and the sham that it was and what it’s turned into. The reality is that for decades the American marriage was skewed towards men. Cheating on wives was normalized in our humor and women were kept out the workplace because it would be a temptation for men. Men were rarely held accountable for beating their wives. They controlled the purse strings and women were simply there to make life easier on the men.

    Feminism wasn’t about equalizing the halves of a marriage. And it wasn’t about one woman choosing to stay with an absolute shit stain of a man.

    LW – you may love this person, he doesn’t love you. If you choose to stay, that’s on you.

    #847359 Reply

    Wow, Laura. You’re wrong, you enjoy being insensitive. She just lost a baby.

    You commented to insult and hurt her even more. Real feminism doesn’t involve insulting and degrading other women at their most vulnerable. That’s not what a feminist is. You’re just another asshole.

    It’s sad that this woman wrote in for advice after a major loss and you feel like using her as a punching bag. Who’s pathetic?

    #847360 Reply

    Ok, you’re done here, Laura.

    #847374 Reply

    I mean, you’re not pregnant and he is still cheating on you.

    #847377 Reply

    I think that it’s possible both for her to have made bad personal decisions and for there to be structural reasons that have left her in a very weak position to escape this terrible relationship.

    #847381 Reply

    There is hardly any information provided about the letter writer’s economic means, mental health, location, legal protections, language abilities, maternal care and devotion, or even her presumed willingness to choose a second pregnancy her husband had tried to avoid. We know her husband had a couple of affairs in the last trimester of her first pregnancy. We are also told the letter writer kept pushing for intimacy perhaps because she was under the impression her husband was losing interest in their family or was physically unattracted to her body when she was bigger.

    After pleading with her abort their second pregnancy and her refusal (accompanied by a lot of discussions), her husband relented his protests over another baby, but emotionally distanced himself like he did at the start of their marriage. When she had a stillbirth she seemed to be wondering if his distance was due to her unwillingness to compromise over the second baby. But four months later it is clear he is emotionally absent and uncommitted to offering her emotional or physical support.

    People are willing to put time into unhappy, one-sided marriages with young toddlers for all kinds of psychological, cultural, and practical reasons. People choose paths that cut against their immediate self-interests for a lot of reasons but it takes someone especially odd to have so little sympathy for their spouse who did nothing wrong but carry a child to term and cling desperately to someone cold.

    I hope if this is someone’s actual life, the letter writer will eventually stop begging this man to give something he has not been willing to provide, assuming she needs it to be happy.

    #847392 Reply

    “I am tired of men suggesting that women have failed at feminism and aren’t looking out for their own interests.”

    I’m not a man, and I did not say that women have failed at feminism.

    The overwhelming ratio of letters on this board are from women who are definitely not looking out for their own interests. I said that I wonder why, when I see those letters, some people don’t have even a passing acquaintance with the concept of being treated fairly (feminism) or with basic common decency.

    Not going to debate this.

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