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Dear Wendy

“My Husband Doesn’t Want to Take Me to His Friend’s Funeral”

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice “My Husband Doesn’t Want to Take Me to His Friend’s Funeral”

This topic contains 11 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by avatar Janelle 5 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #718113 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Dear Wendy

    From a LW:

    I’ve been married for 24 years. My husband and I have seven children together. Recently my husband lost his best friend in a car accident. He was heart broken and I was very saddened. I was here to help my husband emotionally through this hard situation. We talked and cried together. When it came time for the funeral he didn’t plan on me going by plan I mean he didn’t even ask me to go. He made all his traveling arrangements without even running it past me. I know all his old friends will be attending the funeral. I think he’s embarrassed of me I’m not the same girl I was when we first started dating. I’m 180 pounds far from 120. I sometimes see how he looks at me and it makes me sad cause it’s almost like he’s disgusted.

    #718116 Reply

    I really don’t think this is the time to address this with yor husband. He needs to mourn not worry about you.

    That being said, if you are unhappy with your body, work on that. I don’t say that because anything is wrong with you simply because you clearly wish you were not overweight.

    Attraction is a factor in a relationship. It is of course unrealistic to think people won’t change but weight, frankly, can turn a person off. Just as his weight could turn you off. Counseling is probably a good idea since you feel he is disgusted by you. I doubt that is the case but counseling can answer those questions.

    Please don’t bug your husband about not bringing you when he is mourning though. Don’t make it about you.

    #718118 Reply

    This isn’t about you.

    #718120 Reply

    If his best friend died, then I don’t think he’s thinking much about your weight. Don’t use how a spouse acts during the loss of a loved one to assess your relationship or what they think about you. Most likely, he isn’t thinking much about you because he’s thinking about his friend who died and the loss he feels. If you have other issues with your relationship outside of this one funeral, then you can address them sometime after things settle down a bit. Not the time or place right now.

    #718122 Reply

    This is not about you. Maybe he has enough of his own grief to worry about and he doesn’t have the strength to add you and your insecurities to that right now. Maybe he just assumed that since you have 7 children and the funeral is out of town, it might be difficult for you both to get away. Maybe knowing that the 7 children are with their mother will free him from worrying about them so he can focus on paying his repecrs and saying goodbye. Maybe no one is bringing spouses and the friends are all planning to spend time together to mourn. My point is, there are many many reasons he may have decided to go on his own and none of them have anything to do with your weight.

    Also, give yourself a break. You have seven kids!! What do you think your body is going to look like? By all means, take good care of yourself. But don’t be so critical of your own body.

    #718128 Reply

    People handle grief differently. For him, for whatever reason, that means going to his friends funeral without you. Don’t push him on this.

    If there are issues in your marriage as far as your weight and sex lives, deal with that separately, once he’s had a chance to grieve. Do not conflate the two.

    If you want to lose weight for your own health and self esteem, by all means get started on that.

    #718132 Reply

    You seem to have a good relationship with your husband, so don’t damage that with a concern that has nothing to do with the present mourning process. Perhaps he needs to be alone or to bond with his old friends alone. You are projecting on him your own concern about your weight. As far as I understand your letter, he never told you anything about it, so don’t make it his problem. But if this weight gain does bother you, you could start to take time for an I-project and focus on your own well-being. If you go to a gym and make an appointment with a doctor, and follow up with a reasonable diet, then you are on a good way to feel better in your own skin. You make a lot of time for your family, so you have the right to consider also your health as a priority.

    #718135 Reply
    Leslie Joan

    Don’t make this all about you. It’s his closest friend, and he’s going to want to be mourning with his other old friends. It’s not about your weight, it’s about the fact that if you come and bring the whole family, it will be about the family instead of grieving his friend. Give him the gift of not making it all about you and let the poor man be with his friends.

    #718464 Reply

    I don’t know, I think if you’ve been married 24 years you should run any travel plans by your spouse, especially if you have 7 kids. In this case could’ve said “I know you’d like to be there, but I need to do this alone.”

    #718469 Reply
    Miss MJ

    It’s not a reunion; it’s a funeral. I seriously doubt your husband’s actions have anything to do with you or how you look, LW. Rather, I would think that he figured that it would be (a) inappropriate and (b) expensive!! to bring 7 kids to an out of town funeral and nearly impossible to find someone on short notice to stay with them if you accompanied him, so he planned on going alone. Frankly, that seems like the obvious choice to me.

    Don’t make this about you, LW. Whatever insecurities are eating at you, this is not the time to bring them up to him. But, it may mean that it’s time for you to do something to help yourself feel better.

    #718481 Reply
    Northern Star

    He should have talked to you. He should have told you what he was planning, and made sure it would work for you and the kids. It’s irresponsible of him to make travel plans without letting you know.

    But he’s grieving, and people don’t think clearly when they’re grieving. I also doubt he’s “ashamed” of you. You can always ask why he decided to go solo when he gets home.

    #718487 Reply

    I agree he likely wasn’t thinking. Had a mutual friend pass of my exes and I didn’t know when the funeral was until he came back from it. I said “oh I’d had been there with you” and he just didn’t even think about it. He was too wrapped up in the grief. You cannot judge how anyone acts during these times. It is so much unknown.

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