My husband is awful to me and I don’t understand why

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  • Talia
    July 26, 2023 at 11:40 pm #1123999

    My husband goes through these cycles of being terrible to me.

    When things go wrong for him, like the other day he quit his job, he seems to take it out on me as if it’s my fault.

    The cycle brings with him isolating himself in the bedroom. When I go to talk to him, it’s all leave me alone and ignoring me.

    Then after I try to get him to pull himself together, which he doesn’t, I leave him alone.

    On to phase two: he gets nasty with me. This is the phase where he tells me awful things. “I don’t like you.” “I can’t wait to leave you.” “Once I get a job and have the money, I’m leaving you.” “You’re ugly.” “You’re an ugly person.” “I hate you.” “You’re stupid.” “Why would I want to eat dinner with you.”

    Phase two continues while I still have to help him, drive him around, do what he says pretty much. In this situation, since he quit his job, I had to update his resume, submit his resume and apply for jobs for him, drive him to drop off resumes… all the while listening to the insults.

    Phase three starts when he’s still isolating himself and only talking to me yo pass snide remarks. These remarks are passive aggressive, “oh look at you, living the life.” “Oh, looks like you’re having a good night.” Bla bla bla.. meanwhile I ate dinner alone, did the house work alone, groceries alone, watched TV alone, etc…

    I start to pull away for self preservation — he accuses me of this and says things like “you doing that shows me you don’t wanna be with me.” “The more you pull away, the farther away I go”

    My pulling away is due to his actions.

    He doesn’t listen to me when I tell him he’s being mean. He truly believes things are my fault. He can never tell me what I did wrong and what I did to deserve this behaviour. It’s all my fault though.

    I Google things but I can’t pin down what’s wrong with him. He seems manipulative, projecting, blame shifting… I don’t know. What’s wrong with him????

    I need help.

    Avatar photo
    July 27, 2023 at 6:33 am #1124000

    I think the better question is: why are you still with him?

    Part-time Lurker
    July 27, 2023 at 6:42 am #1124001

    He’s a manipulative, abusive asshole.

    July 27, 2023 at 7:11 am #1124002

    Somehow you’ve convinced yourself that you have to help this POS. Why?

    You seem to believe that you have to take care of him. Update his resume? Drive him around? While listening to his insults. WHY?

    I have many theories on why he is such and abusive prick and I have theories on why you would put up with it – but you know what? It. Doesn’t. Matter. Why.

    Go see a lawyer, go see a therapist. Figure your shit out and either lay down the law or get the hell out. Stop setting yourself on fire to make him warm.

    July 27, 2023 at 7:45 am #1124003

    You don’t have to understand why, but my guess is he is an abusive asshole who takes his pain out on you.

    You should leave him.

    July 27, 2023 at 12:31 pm #1124014

    Unless there’s a possibility of demonic possession or other solvable supernatural explanations, the “why” doesn’t matter.

    There is no excuse for any of this.

    If you really need a “why”, it’s because thus far he’s been able to do all of it with no consequences to his actions. He says “I can’t wait to leave you” and other vile nonsense and then you keep taking care of him. He knows this is what you’ll do.

    In fact, it’s common for people in abusive relationships to work even harder to keep their abusers happy. I would bet decent money that this plays directly into it. He’s mean to you in order for you to work harder to get his affection back.

    July 27, 2023 at 1:47 pm #1124015

    Definitely an abuser, likely also mentally ill. You should leave him. You can’t fix him. He won’t even accept your help. He is plain nasty to you. He will totally destroy you if you stay. Everyone is right: the why doesn’t matter, and IMHO the why has nothing to do with you. He hates the world and you are close.

    July 29, 2023 at 1:41 pm #1124055

    Oh! This sounds like my ex-husband. And that’s why he’s my ex-husband. My only regret is that I didn’t leave him sooner: I believed everything he told me about our marriage problems being our fault etc. I tried for years to make him happy (so he would be nice to me): impossible.

    Ten years later, I’m happily married to someone who loves me and treats me nicely. I know better things are ahead for you too.

    Life is short. Too short to keep wasting on that guy.

    September 6, 2023 at 9:45 pm #1125326

    You want to know why he behaves like this because you think if you can identify the cause, you can solve the problem. But it’s not your problem to solve. I can see why you think it is, since he has done a great job of convincing you that his bad behavior is all your fault. But it isn’t.

    You will feel incredibly free when you finally accept that it’s not your responsibility to fix another person and, even if it was, it’s not in your control anyway. You will feel like an elephant has been lifted off your shoulders when you stop taking responsibility for his life, his actions, and his emotions.

    There are many possible reasons why he treats you this way, but the only important truth is that he abuses you and you don’t deserve it. It doesn’t matter WHY he does it — you don’t deserve it. It’s HIS job to figure out why he behaves the way he does and how to fix himself. But you are under no obligation to put up with his abuse waiting for him to decide to do that. And frankly, he never will decide to do it as long as you keep putting up with his abuse.

    Here’s what you can do. Find yourself a therapist to talk through what is happening to you and why you feel the need to take responsibility for your abuser’s behavior. Work out a plan for how to leave safely, preferable with guidance from a domestic violence hotline or agency. Some abusers get more dangerous when their victims try to leave. And then…get out and live your own life without the shackles of trying to live your husband’s life for him while he fights you every step of the way.

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My husband is awful to me and I don’t understand why

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