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Dear Wendy

My husband lied about his ED all our relationship

Home Forums Advice & Chat My husband lied about his ED all our relationship

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  • #1118326 Reply
    Mb
    Guest

    Nb

    Hi, need advice.. no judgement please!
    Im in a near 13yr relationship.. married 5this year.. my husband and i had a glitch during xovid and i thought working from home was affecting him preforming during sex and mentally.. well!
    He told me he had ED which explains why when i initiate sex he doesnt want too and it always felt to me one sided and i had too when he wanted too, still feel like that too this day.. its been tough.
    He told me he has been doing this our whole relationship and i feel like its been based on lies.
    He still uses this now to this day but ive tried to be supportive in many ways as a wife can me, both romantically and gesturing and even putting aside the fact he has taken tablets everytime we have had sex has seriously affected my own confidence. Im told how he fancies me much and then he says when it affects our sex time that he never thought he would ever have someone like me or get married or have kids. I feel emotionally drained, sexually deprived and unwanting to even kiss or have sex anymore but we get on like best friends do.

    So im in a 2/2 situation do i break up our life because it is affecting us sexually and romantically or do i stay and pretend to be happy in that department and not be fulfilled to make him feel worthy. Or do i offer an open relationship and be the worst in the world cos he wont wNt anybody else touch his wife or do i have an affair and selfishly get wat i need too.. he cant even keep it up when he is aroused anymore.. never finish never satisfied.. im stuck

    #1118327 Reply
    Kate
    Guest

    Has he been to a doctor and received a diagnosis and medication? Or is he using gas station pills? Before you get divorced or have an affair, encourage him to get medical treatment, because you love him and want to have a sex life with him. It sounds like he was trying to be macho and hide his condition from you for many years by self-medicating with pills. Or idk maybe you live in a country where you can buy cialis without a prescription, but still, he should see a doctor.

    #1118328 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Also, how much reading have you done about erectile dysfunction so that you understand the condition and the treatment options? As far as I know, it’s a medical condition that affects blood flow to the penis.

    The way you wrote your post sounds like maybe you think his performance has to do with his attraction to you, and you might be putting more pressure on him to perform, which makes it worse. It sounds like you’re disgusted that he was taking pills. It would be better for both of you to get a real understanding of what’s going on with him.

    #1118329 Reply
    Mb
    Guest

    Im very understanding of his condition, he saw professional help and they said it was in his head. They prescribed him tablets to help aid an erection but he also self medicated it for all of our relationship.
    Im not looking to be judged and i dont put any pressure on him at all about it and ive advised him to speak with a councillor or life coach to see if it helps. But i cant do those things for him. I dont initiate sex with him anymore because as i said i get rejected everytime and its only when he is in the mood and eroused he then wants too do the deed with me. But he has got selfish with it lately and i dont feel romantically wanted or the connection is there when we have sex

    #1118330 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    At the end of your post you list your options. Leaving him because he lied to you and you don’t feel it anymore is a fine option. You’re pissed off and unfulfilled. Staying sounds like a bad idea, if it would mean you faking being happy, which I think you know is unsustainable.

    It doesn’t really sound like he saw a doctor if the doctor told him, “it’s all in his head,” that’s not generally what doctors say.

    #1118331 Reply
    Hazel
    Participant

    If it is just a human mechanical problem, he can get help; if it is some sort of psychological problem he can get help for that too.Another possibility being him having low/no sex drive, which he mitigated against medically for the sake of your relationship and “being normal”. If by any chance this might be the case, with a bit of honesty there’s a possibility you might work out something to your mutual satisfaction if there is still enough love left.

    #1118332 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    A doctor said it’s all in his head and also prescribed pills? I’m skeptical too. When was this, years ago before you got together? I’m absolutely not judging you, I’m confused.

    Anyway, if he refuses to get any further help at all, and you’re at the end of your rope, you can definitely leave the marriage. You don’t have to stay with him if you’re unhappy. I think cutting ties would be way preferable to something messy like affairs or a non-consensual “open relationship.”

    #1118333 Reply
    Mb
    Guest

    Im so confused with it all

    #1118334 Reply
    Hazel
    Participant

    Agree. He has to get help. And be honest .If he refuses, then I’d walk if I were you.

    #1118335 Reply
    ron
    Guest

    That could be his translation of what the doctor said. The doctor could have determined that he has a normal testosterone level and that he doesn’t seem to have circulatory problems. Cialis can improve ED caused by problems with blood to the penis, but it won’t impact desire. Perhaps his primary attraction is to men or he is largely asexual. That would all qualify as “in his head” as would general religious shame about sex. Any of those things could have been his original problem, but it now seems to have devolved into you don’t much like or respect him and he recognizes that. Better for both of you to just MOA?

    #1118336 Reply
    Mb
    Guest

    I very much isnt asexual.. he says he fancies me and he thinks im the hottest girl ever and he wants to do this and that, we have children also its not as simple as walking away.. im just confused and trying to understand how to manage it as im not having my needs met either and im young mid 30s so our children are not young either they ar between 8-12 also just to clarify i have been very supportive and have advised too seek medical attention again in regards to it but i wanted the opinion on the fact our whole relationship was based on him taken a tablet everyday or everytime we were intimate throughout our whole life as a couple??

    #1118337 Reply
    Mb
    Guest

    I have alot of respect for him which is why i dont want to hurt his feelings and telling him my needs arnt being met and making him feel even more crappy about the situation.

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