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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

My husband lied about his ED all our relationship

Home Forums Advice & Chat My husband lied about his ED all our relationship

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 26 total)
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  • #1118338 Reply
    Mb
    Guest

    He doesnt refuse the idea of getting help he will tell u all u want to hear to keep everything like a bed of roses but he doesnt do it for himself and its causing a wedge in our intimate relationship. But everyother aspect of our life together is good x

    #1118339 Reply
    golfer.gal
    Guest

    Ok but it sounds like you aren’t being honest with him either. You’re hiding from him how much this has affected your relationship and your self esteem, to the point you’re considering having an affair. I would have to think an honest conversation would be better than the alternative of being quietly miserable or cheating, even if it’s hard for him to hear. You both owe each other some transparency. If he won’t go to counseling, go without him. A therapist can help you figure out what you want your future to look like.

    #1118340 Reply
    Mb
    Guest

    Yeah i think my honesty here is taking out of context and massively judged. Ive been honest with him we have spoke i have communicated my feelings but it isnt working and i dont want to kick a man when ED is effecting us even more… i have compassion for him and i support him and all i was looking for was support because i cant speak to anyone i know about it because clearly nobody understands how the supportive person in the relationship might feel. I wouldnt cheat on himnid much rather break up but as i said is all a little bit harder when ure married and have a family and u break up everything because of a zero sex life.
    Thanks for the support!

    #1118341 Reply
    ron
    Guest

    “I very much isnt asexual.. he says he fancies me and he thinks im the hottest girl ever and he wants to do this and that, we have chilyodren”

    I didn’t suggest that you were asexual, but that he might be. He may actually view you as among the most beautiful women he has ever seen and yet have little interest, because he prefers men. Less true in the United States today (but your writing does not read as American) with LGBTQ being more acceptable, but in the past not at all uncommon for a gay man to marry a woman and have a family in order to pass with his family, church, and society. Not saying that is definitely what is going on here, but a distinct possibility.

    Talk is easy. Apparently the action is absent and he hasn’t sought enough help. Two btw:

    — Viagra has to be taken each time before you have sex; Cialis is taken daily and should leave him ready for sex, whenever

    — Gay and asexual men can and often do have enough sex to father two kids. It is not all that rare for mothers to learn down the road that their partner identifies as primarily gay and has actually been having more sex with men than with her.

    You need to ask your husband for specific information: how is his testosterone level, what pill is he taking, what is his sexual orientation.

    You say you don’t want to hurt him, but it sounds like you are having extreme difficulty living as you are.

    #1118342 Reply
    Mb
    Guest

    Ron- that was a typing mistake.. i meant he isnt gay or asexual, in his mind he does not question his sexuality at all. He takes a daily pill, im not sure what his testosterone level is like.

    No we are not American. Yes we do have children and i feel like have a right to be selfish to want to put my needs first for a change because ive been very supportive and understanding when things dont go right intimately.
    Thanks for your input but im not questioning his sexuality. I think there would be more obvious signs.

    #1118344 Reply
    golfer.gal
    Guest

    I mean, you keep shooting down everything suggested: counseling (separately if he refuses to go with you), meeting again with his doctor, reassess his mental state, the possibility that he might be gay or asexual, opening up the relationship, even just having an explicit and honest conversation about how deeply this has affected you. So…I’m not really sure what you’re asking. There aren’t a lot of other paths besides: accept that it will never change and deal with it, be honest with him that you’re unhappy enough that you’re thinking about leaving and ask for one (or several) remedies, or have an affair and risk that he’ll find out.

    #1118346 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    You need to be completely honest about your needs and how this is affecting your relationship.

    You both don’t communicate very openly at all. It’s really sad. Sure, it’s a sensitive subject, but of course it’s affecting you. You’re considering leaving, that deserves a discussion with your husband. Stop hemming and hawing and talk to him.

    #1118361 Reply
    Mb
    Guest

    I think he needs to do counselling for him for sure and maybe I do too. I just probably wondered if somebody who had experienced either side could advise me on how to manage it best.. I’ve communicated already what i feel to him,he needs to do the same and it hasnt helped and i said before i cant do it for him. I wish he would to save our marriage. I love him and want to try things to make it work. I cant make somebody open up to me or a doctor either, maybe on here i sound like im making excused for him probably because thats what ive been getting from him, the promise he will and then doesnt bother.

    Thankyou for advice.

    #1118374 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    Well, have you actually said to him, “If we can’t get this sorted, I want a divorce because you are not fulfilling me?” Of course add your flowery touches, but you need to be honest. 100% honest that you’re at the end of your rope and considering an affair or leaving. If he does nothing at that point, then you leave.

    #1118375 Reply
    golfer.gal
    Guest

    But does he know your marriage is on the line? Have you sat down and explicitly told him that unless you see X, Y, and Z within the next 60 days you’d like to talk about a separation or divorce? He’s not going to get up and change on his own because, for whatever reason, he’s happy with things as they are. Once he realizes things aren’t going to stay as they are because you’re miserable, that may be the motivation he needs to change. Counseling for you whether he goes or not is a must. Also you should consider meeting with a divorce attorney to learn more what a divorce would actually look like for you, also take a look at housing options. I’m not saying you have to leave, but information is power and having it will help you come to a decision for yourself.

    #1118376 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    “i wanted the opinion on the fact our whole relationship was based on him taken a tablet everyday or everytime we were intimate throughout our whole life as a couple??”

    Yeah, that’s make me pretty rightly angry. It doesn’t sound like you two communicate honestly with each other at all!

    You then say:

    “I have alot of respect for him which is why i dont want to hurt his feelings and telling him my needs arnt being met and making him feel even more crappy about the situation.”

    You have to tell him because either way you just go on feeling terrible forever. Either you can feel crappy or he can. Right now, you’re suffering, too.

    #1118377 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    Maybe he’ll feel like crap, briefly and get help, finally.

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 26 total)
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