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My husband looks at other women – now men look at me! Help!

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This topic contains 17 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by avatar Betty 3 weeks, 5 days ago.

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  • #841446 Reply
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    Annabell

    Ok. Let’s start with me, I’m not being full of myself, just trying to explain the best way I can… I’m 5”2 green eyes blonde hair tanned, Double D cup and size 12 with a small waist. My teeth a white and straight and I’d like to say I’m an alright looking person. I’ve been told multiple times I look like a young carmen Electra / Bridget Bardot. So why is it my husband is looking at other women when I’m there ??? Young women in belly tops and things. I’m 24 and I find it so hurtful!! So I decided to really dress up. To try and get his attention, short shorts belly top, push up bra, spray tan, hair done, nails on point, but it’s only made things worse? Now I get a lot of attention from strange men keep ogling at me and can’t help feeling like I’m making the women there with feel how I did to start off with. And my other half is then in a bad mood because men only see me as “ a piece of meat “ the irony aye? I feel like I’ve been cheated on! I try and talk to him but he denies it, says I’m causing an argument and goes off on one. I try so hard and still don’t feel good enough. Is it right or wrong for a man to ogle at women in front of you?.. is it cheating ?.. why does it hurt so bad if it’s harmless ??

    #841447 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    It’s rude to ogle other women in front of you. It’s not cheating, but it’s not harmless. I know my husband *notices* everyone, but I never catch him *ogling* someone, because it’s rude. Your husband needs to realize it’s rude and hurtful and knock it off. And you need to have an adult conversation with him and knock off trying to be ogled to get back at him.

    #841448 Reply
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    Fyodor

    She didn’t say that he ogles other women. She’s bragging about how men ogled her.

    #841449 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Yeah she did: “Is it right or wrong for a man to ogle at women in front of you?.. is it cheating ?.. why does it hurt so bad if it’s harmless ??”

    #841451 Reply
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    Fyodor

    I must reluctantly admit that you are correct.

    #841457 Reply

    Is it cheating? Only if you’ve made clear that he is not permitted to look at other women…which I kind of doubt is the case here, since that’s an unrealistic expectation.

    The world is full of attractive people and it’s just not realistic to expect someone to not notice and admire. Of course he should be considerate and respectful, but it is going to happen sometimes.

    #841462 Reply
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    FYI

    because men only see me as “a piece of meat“

    No, YOU see yourself that way. You describe yourself with physical descriptors only (not your interests or dreams), plus you get tarted up to try to make yourself more desirable to your husband. You know that there’s more to you than that, right? That you should be desirable to him because you have a good soul, or are witty or intelligent?

    If he looks at other women, tell him exactly ONCE that it’s disrespectful to you and you won’t tolerate it. Then uber home if he does it again. DON’T argue. Don’t pout. Don’t try to win him over. Just don’t tolerate it. If he wonders why you left, just tell him CALMLY that he can ogle all he wants when he’s alone.

    But that’s not all. The real issue is that you have to understand and believe that you have more to offer than a small waist. You are not in competition with anyone else. You’re YOU, and it matters not one bit what you look like.

    #841473 Reply
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    MaltaKano

    I’m curious what “ogling” means to OP. Is your husband noticing, maybe doing a quick double-take? That’s normal human behavior. But if he’s reacting more than that, like interrupting your conversation because he’s distracted or whistling or something, okay, that’s a problem. It’s hard to tell if this is a husband is rude problem or a wife is insecure problem. Maybe some of both.

    #841484 Reply
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    Selene

    FYI hit the nail on the head. I’m sure your husband didn’t marry you just because of your looks, so why are you trying to compete for his attention like those are the only things you have to offer? That is a never ending game that you can’t win. There are always going to people who are going to catch his eye simply because they are new and different, and hence they seem interesting. It has everything to do with how they look because he doesn’t know them and it has absolutely nothing to do with how you look because he knows you more deeper than that. To him, you are not just your looks and you shouldn’t think of yourself that way either.

    Then again, like others have pointed out, outright ogling is disrespectful to both you and to the women he’s ogling at and you need to communicate to him how you feel. If he truly is objectifying women like that, then it’s no wonder why you’re objectifying youself, thinking it will shift his attention from them to you. Then you both might have a deeper problem that needs to be addressed, and it starts with shifting your perspective from objectifying to respecting others and valueing yourselves and everything else that you bring to the table.

    Objectifying yourself can be fun when you’re doing it from a subjective stance as a way to gain agency, owning who you are and loving it. Then it has the power to build you up and make you feel good about yourself. However, there is no amount of make-up, clothes and tanned skin that will make you look sexy or beautiful to someone else if you don’t feel that within yourself. If it’s all coming from a place of insecurity and need for validation and attention, it shows. It draws in men who objectify you just as much as you objectify youself. What is really sexy though is confidence, knowing who you are and valuing it. Knowing what you’re good at, knowing what you’re bad at and accepting yourself as a beautfully complicated package that has a lot more to offer than the surface that catches the eye of someone passing you on a street (or that of your husband). Then you’ll have nothing to compete over, cause you’ve already won.

    #841502 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    I remai just so glad the maturest of the mature and the deepest of thinkers keep on getting married.

    #841505 Reply
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    PDX816

    LW – you need therapy, like ASAP. Because you have set unrealistic expectations for your husband and judging from the tone of your letter you sound very immature. You use your looks for validation, you definitely aren’t alone in that, but it isn’t healthy.

    #841514 Reply
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    ron

    LW — Everybody looks at other people. It isn’t cheating. You seem to have built your whole life and sense of self-esteem upon your looks. As you age, your looks will fade. Your job is to turn yourself into a much saner, deeper, less vapid person before that happens. If you don’t get your jealousy, strange sense of there-but-not-there self-esteem, and broaden your worth, you are going to be an extremely unhappy middle-aged woman.

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