This topic contains 28 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by Kate 3 months, 1 week ago.
December 4, 2017 at 8:35 pm #728451
@kate & Heatherly,
That has happened to me a couple of times. Whenever it happens to me, it’s usually from some punctuation that the site didn’t like during an edit.December 4, 2017 at 10:23 pm #728454
Lol, @fyodor. I love your metaphors.
It’s hard to really tell what’s going on. What I feel like is most likely is that your husband just has a lower libido than you, and while he felt the need to keep up for a while, he eventually decided to slow down (as many people do in long-term relationships). I’m curious how long you two have been together. I think that for a lot of people, 4-5 times a week is difficult to keep up with, and I do think that a lot of people see masturbation and sex with a partner as different because one involves a lot more effort and energy (and thinking about the other person rather than one’s self). But you know, maybe it’s not this, since I don’t know you two.
But in the end, you guys do have to compromise in some form. And I’d also agree that this issue might change naturally after you give birth. Even if your libido didn’t change, I think it could be difficult to have the time to keep it up. And even if you two weren’t having issues currently, you’d already probably have to make changes then no matter what.December 5, 2017 at 9:47 am #728486
No, I’m not searching it out. I end up finding out because he does it into his boxers, then throws them in the bathroom on the floor instead of the laundry hamper… When he goes there’s a lot- so his boxers are completely soaked. I’m not working right now so I’m pretty much always home and trying to keep the house clean, so when I walk on and see them laying there I pick them up and put them in the dirty clothes. I’ve even asked him to just throw them in the hamper so I don’t have to deal with it or even know, but he doesnt.. Which almost makes it feels like he wants me to know.
Since Ive basically stopped trying to sleep with him he does it every day now.. And then when I do finally try he says I’m trying to hard, and we don’t have sex…
He doesn’t have a fear of hurting the baby.. I truly think he’s just not into me anymore.. Is honestly rather him just admit it- then I really would completely leave him alone..December 5, 2017 at 10:10 am #728491
Ew he leaves his cum-soaked boxers on the floor for you to clean up?! Honestly you have a lot bigger problems in your marriage than frequency of sex. Either he does want you to find them or he’s incapable of putting his own underwear in the hamper, neither of which are good.
Looks to me like you’re about to be a single mom of 2, not a new mom with a partner. I’d say couples counseling ASAP because sleep deprivation and a tiny human depending on you for all things is going to make this worse not better!December 5, 2017 at 10:11 am #728495
That is disgusting. That strikes me as an aggressive statement on his part… leaving that kind of soiled item on the floor for you to pick up. It’s so gross and so disrespectful, and yeah, I think he’s telling you something.
However, he is not going to come out and admit he’s not into you. Guys really don’t do that. It’s a losing exercise to try to get him to come out and say it. But look, something is wrong. You sense it. And it’s not just about the sex either, is it? What else is going on here?December 5, 2017 at 10:54 am #728512
At a high level, it looks like a power-struggle dynamic here, and unconstructive patterns of communication. I think the sex issues are a symptom of something bigger that’s wrong. But I can’t fill in the blanks.December 5, 2017 at 10:54 am #728513
Disgusting. Your husband is being a pig. I would be tempted to leave his repulsive boxers draped over his toothbrush. Blech.
Put your foot down on that habit, at least. Sex frequency aside, it is unacceptable—especially when he knows you’re not exactly thrilled that he’s jerking off all day instead of being with you. He can hide the evidence, at least. Jerk.December 5, 2017 at 11:08 am #728515
Yeah it’s definitely something I’m not thrilled about… But other than the soiled clothes and and lack of desire (for me anyway, since obviously his hand is another story), everything else seems petfect. That’s what’s so strange.
I feel like with me being hoke we spend too much time together, because if he’s not at work were together- but on the rare occasion I do go out with friends or urge him to it doesn’t take long before he’s texting me that he misses me and urging me to come home.. Some days he’s even been coming home for lunch just to spend time with me- and it is NOT my idea. I actually don’t really like when he comes home for lunch because it’s usually around the time I actually have stiff to do- but I won’t say that because with him bothering to sleep with me I’ll kind of take any attention I can get…
Honestly although he says it’s not true, I feel like he pressured himself into this marriage. He grew up going to Catholic schools and in a Catholic family, so I feel like once we found out I was pregnant to him marriage was just the right thing to do…
Several of his friends have told me he was already talking about marrying me within a few years, something he had never talked about with any ex’s- but a few years turned into within 6 months of him telling his friends this.
I’m the first girlfriend he ever lived with (he’s 31 and I’m 26), we’ve known eachother for 12 years but had only been together for a little less than a year when we found out I was pregnant… I was told years ago that I’m sterile, and he had never wanted kids.
But he was actually more excited than I was when we initially found out I’m pregnant.. He was the one who pushed us getting married. And he was the one who pushed for me to not work while I’m pregnant so I can “enjoy” my pregnancy… So when I try and ask him if this was all too much he just gets mad and says I’m questioning his love, because he does want this and feels he’s made it clear…..
I love him to death and in many ways on a daily basis he shows me he loves me too- and I don’t doubt it.. He even regularly gets all excited talking about our life together in 20+years and what well experience on the way.. And he brings it up, not me. But the issues with the sex and masturbation have just really thrown a wrench into things… Especially since everything else really has been “perfect”December 5, 2017 at 11:24 am #728519
I don’t know then, but his words aren’t matching his actions. I wonder if he’s got that “madonna/whore” thing going on, where somehow a wife becomes sacred? I mean, the facts are that he’s got a healthy sex drive, but prefers not to have sex with his wife (and to be super obvious that he’s releasing elsewhere, which, if it’s not an aggressive statement, maybe he’s trying to show you he’s not cheating?? Idk).
It does sound like the more pressure you put on it, the less into it he is, so maybe you need to back off for a bit and see what he does?December 5, 2017 at 11:34 am #728522
Did you ‘stop trying to sleep with him’ because he has less initiative on his end to have sex with you? Or you are deliberately holding out because you think he isn’t interested?December 5, 2017 at 11:40 am #728527
It really sounds like he is stressed out and doesn’t want you to be. I’m not making excuses for him but he may be masturbating because of all the stress (even though he wants the baby, and he wants you at home) all of this might be making sex for him not as easy as before. While masturbating he is alone and has no one to let down, so maybe let him have this for a little while but maybe make the rule that since it upsets you while your pregnant and that its just gross and your hormones are crazy that he not leave evidence for you to find. He knows you want sex and a lot of it he may not be able to do that right now. I also don’t think he is not attracted to you, and maybe hes not scared of poking the baby but he is probably not completely comfortable with the baby being in there. Some of this also is probably a mix of your hormones and being home all the time now. Is there a hobby you could do to get your mind off of sex some, and go out with friends its good to make your husband miss you for a hour or two.December 5, 2017 at 12:08 pm #728535
I would ask all of the people here this: If you were having sex with your partner 2-3 times a week and he badgered you constantly for not wanting more and then chewed you out for masturbating instead of having sex with him, how you would react? Would you want to give in? Or would you feel bullied and shut down too?
The boxers thing is pretty gross.