This topic contains 20 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by SherBear 2 months ago.
June 8, 2018 at 5:06 pm #756407
So my husband and I have been married for 5 years. Been together a total of 8 years. We have 3 children collectively. One is mine from a previous relationship and two are his from a previous relationship. We are both 30 years old. He went to a year long rehab program for his meth addiction. He really was hooked on weed and alcohol at that point to. He did it all. So he got out in December of 2017. Things were great or so I thought. We were having to live with his parents and they are enablers. They are Also alcoholics. They used to smoke weed with him too. They had stopped that at the point that we moved in. Then I caught him drinking. So that issue was addressed and he said he was sorry and it wouldn’t happen again. It hasn’t. They bought it for him. Then they started smoking weed again about 2 or 3 months ago. My husband promised me he wouldn’t ever do that. That he was disappointed that they started doing it. Well I come home from work and he has the guilty look on his face. He told me he had smoked and he felt horrible about it. I believed him but the trust was broken. I seconded guessed his every move. About a week ago his mom and him got into a huge argument. He then smoked again and told me he was sorry that he wouldn’t do it again. Then the next day he said he never said he wouldn’t do it again that he told me he wasn’t going to do it forever. I told him it affected me negatively and hurt me and our relationship. He promised to not do it again. This patterned continued for almost a week now. Maybe one day he didn’t do it. See he doesn’t want his parents knowing for whatever reason. Anyway two days ago he promised he was done he was sorry. He let stress get the best of him and for me to believe in him. So one more time I did. Yesterday him and his mom got into it again and he smoked and then today too. Once again said he wasn’t going to be doing it for forever. Just excuses. Idk what to do. I’ve told him how much it hurts me and affects me. I have told him that it makes me feel like he chooses that over our marriage. That’s honestly how I truly feel. I am a Christian and I don’t believe in any illegal drugs. I do not believe in drinking. I do not judge people who do it. This is just my beliefs. His too. He was raised Pentecostal and we got married in a Pentecostal church. I am Pentecostal as well. My heart is breaking and my mind is weary. I feel hopeless and just don’t know what to do. It angers me because for an entire year I devoted myself to nothing but his recovery and drove 4 hours round trip every week to see him. I made sure he had money for their trips to the dollar store that they got twice a week. I made sure he had good clothes. I made sure that I always had the gas money to come and see him and the money to eat on for Sunday. We were allowed to go to eat with them on Sunday after church. It’s hurtful and idk how to deal with it. I just need some advice. Thank you very much.June 8, 2018 at 6:41 pm #756423
Have you consider seeing a couples counselor with him? Or have you considered seeing a counselor or trying to find an al non group near you? Does he have a group he goes to or any kind of support?
It’s hard to tell what point you are at. Whether you are just at the end of your patience and done trying or whether you are just venting and tired and still want to try with someone who will always be an addict. Addiction can’t be cured, it’s a lifelong disease. He will always be an addict. People can get sober, but clearly he’s struggling with the agreement you had with him. He hasn’t been sober for very long. And he frequently minimizes it, lies about it and breaks promises. You need to be able to trust what he says to have a good relationship with him, and you can’t.
I don’t share the same beliefs as you that marijuana is similar to alcohol or meth.
You wrote “we were having to live with his parents…” Are you still? Going from rehab right back into a home full of alcoholics and booze and pot was never going to be a good place for him to be, fresh out of recovery.June 8, 2018 at 7:58 pm #756437
It sounds like he’s been an addict for a long time. Possibly for most of the time you’ve been with him. You live with his parents, who enable him. He won’t change. You are a 30-something woman with a child. You shouldn’t be living with his parents and watching them and him do drugs. Get out, get a divorce, and care for/support your child and yourself.June 9, 2018 at 12:47 am #756477
Your husband won’t change. He went to rehab for a YEAR and almost immediately started drinking/using drugs again. That’s it, it is over.
You need to get you and your child out of there.June 9, 2018 at 3:52 pm #756566
He is an addict and is probably always going to need/want something. Could you handle him just smoking weed if it kept him off crack? Would drinking be okay at socially accepted levels? Some people can find the strength to self regulate. Is it all or nothing for you? (absolutely fair if it is) but you may want to consider lines if you want to stay with someone so very different from you.June 9, 2018 at 5:13 pm #756572
You lost me at meth addiction. The chances of him relapsing again are about 100% considering how he’s made zero life style changes. I’m sure he was constantly apologizing as well when he was on meth. This is no environment for a child, take yours and get the heck outta there!June 10, 2018 at 6:27 pm #756725
Tired and sad
Here’s the thing about addiction with anything, the point of addiction is to escape. Somehow from something, even a little bit. Addicts go back to abusing substance’s because they are trying to escape things they don’t feel able to deal with; problems, responsibilities, and especially consiquences. The reason he may be returning to it is because he hasn’t learned to face these things forward and productively. He uses the addiction as a way to run away from issues because he has not properly learned how to address them through action, planning or even seeking help from others. It is an important part of recovery to learn these things and the best way to do it is to surround him with people who do these things themselves and are willing to couch him through doing it himself.June 10, 2018 at 6:54 pm #756727
One of the big signs that this isn’t going to turn out well is that while he was sober, he chose to live with people who enable him. He either was not that serious about staying off drugs or he doesn’t have a lot of self-awareness. People relapse, but someone who does not even try that hard to preserve their sobriety when they are sober doesn’t have a high likelihood.June 11, 2018 at 9:33 am #756787
I’d take my child and leave because you don’t want your child learning that the way to handle life is to drug it away. Your child is being exposed to a method of coping that will destroy their life if they adopt the lifestyle. You need to take you child and leave just to keep your child from being sucked in.June 11, 2018 at 9:59 am #756795
Take your child and leave your husband.
I’m sure you love him. But he’s a drug-using loser, and he’s not going to get better. You are taking resources and money that you could be spending to give your child a bright future, and wasting it on a man who can’t keep clean.
You should have left a long time ago.June 11, 2018 at 10:41 am #756803
If that is ALL he is doing then personally I dont think it is a big deal. Weed is actually turning out to be a miracle for people in SO many ways: seizures, addicts, digestive aids, headaches, hemp products. Just a lot of conservatives cant seem to grasp that yet. I bet one in five people you know, at the least, smokes and you dont even know it. They are running corporations.
But if this is something that is a deal breaker to you, it is fine too. You have to do you. But it sounds like he needs it. So you should either figure out if it is something you can live with or not. Good luck!June 11, 2018 at 10:51 am #756804
Living with his parents, who you were aware are enablers wasn’t the best choice. It’s also obvious that your husband copes with stress by imbibing. If you’d really like to give this marriage a clean shot; you would move out of your in-laws, marriage counseling, you’d both go to al-anon meetings and he would learn better coping mechanisms. If all of that seems like too much, then this marriage is over.