KitcatOctober 14, 2017 at 2:22 pm #723379
My husband and I have been married for almost one year. Our relationship is wonderful but has recently experienced a major challenge, one that seems as though we cannot over come. Before we were married my husband had a past with drugs and alcohol but when we met he was completely sober and had promised me that those habits were in he dust. I am a pretty straight laced person, I never got into drugs and I follow the rules. Of course I made my husband aware of this before we got married.
I recently found out that my husband has been smoking weed behind my back daily for more than 6 months. He snuck it into our garage and would do it early in the mornings and before I would come home from work. When I uncovered this, he completely denied it. After further pressuring him, he came clean about what he had been doing. I was devastated. Not just about the pot smoking but also about the lying to my face and lying to me by omission for 6 months.
I have tried explaining to him why I do not like pot and he refuses to understand. In fact, he believes that pot is gods gift to earth. My husband knew how I felt about pot before marrying me but he expects me to accept it now? This doesn’t seem fair at all. Since this has happened he has continued to smoke pot daily and I have continued to dislike it. WE have argued numerous times, all of them consisting of him shoving “scientific” facts down my throat while I try to explain my feelings, the same feelings I had before our wedding. We even plan on having children one day, this only deepens my feelings considering that weed is illegal where we live.
I have tried to come to grips with this and accept his habit but I am struggling and it is taking a toll on my marriage. I love my husband but I am not sure how we can find common ground on this topic. I would appreciate some advice and/or opinions.
I know people are going to say it’s just weed and you should be more relaxed about it, but it’s his behavior about it that’s really problematic.
Couple questions: is weed legal in your state? Could he get drug tested at work and lose his job? Is he smoking every day before work?? If he could get fired for this, that would fuck you up. Not fair.
I know someone who got married a year ago and is already getting a divorce because her husband, a first responder, no less, was addicted to some kind of opiates and had been hiding it from her for years. She found out after he got fired. She stuck it out for a while but he wasn’t going to kick it. I think she did the right thing.
Your husband is an addict, and this is classic addict behavior and very concerning. Definitely go talk to an addiction counselor by yourself and figure out what to do.
Sigh. Don’t date addicts or marry addicts, especially ones who haven’t managed to stay clean for years. But it’s to late for that wisdom, but possibly in the future it’ll stick. You can’t control or change another human being. If he’s an addict & this is his addiction then there is nothing you can do to stop it. He’ll continue to lie to you or say the right thing but do the opposite , if you continue to push or even if you don’t push. So if you hate weed and hate him smoking it, then leave. Move on already. Sorry, but this the only advice I can give. I do have some experience of this too, so this isn’t just opinion.
You may decide to try and accept this about him & stay. Ok, but then you really have accept it and not say you do, but nag and try and convince him etc. As that’s dishonest and frankly a waste of your time. It’s far easier( though it’ll hurt etc) to leave him. It’s early days in the marriage and you’ve discovered a character flaw that isn’t going be easier to deal with as time, children and stress of normal life pile on.
Oh & don’t ever marry someone who you don’t really know. Good luck.
I don’t think weed is that bad of a drug, but wtf with smoking in the morning before work? If you go to work high, someone is eventually going to give you a drug test and fire you. Or does he not work? If not, what are his prospects of finding work if he’s high all day AND may get a drug test where he applies?KitcatOctober 14, 2017 at 2:45 pm #723389
Thank you for responding. Weed is illegal where we live and if drug tested, my husband would loose his job. To makes matters even worse, we work for affiliated companies. If he got caught, it would also tarnish my reputation and possibly effect my career.
He does not smoke week before work every morning, he only smokes weed in the mornings on weekends. But he does smoke once, sometimes twice when he gets home from work. From what I understand, THC can stay in someone’s system for 30 days. Regardless of if he does it before work or not if he was tested, he would fail.
I understand that some people feel like weed is “just weed” and that is okay. We all have different opinions and for some people and some relationships smoking weed daily is perfectly fine. But unfortunately I don’t feel that way. I want to have children and live a happy worry free life. If my husband is smoking weed everyday, he might be able to live that life but I will not. I will worry about my children finding out, or about him loosing his job and leaving us only relying on my income.
I don’t know what the LW’s husband is normally addicted to, but I’m betting weed is probably the lesser of his addictions. Though it doesn’t matter. If you don’t like the behaviour of an addict on a drug, then my advice remains the same. Leave him.
Yep, morning weed smoking is a bad sign…
I think you answered your question. You can’t tolerate this, he’s not going to stop, you can’t have kids with him, and you’ve unfortunately found out too late that you’re not compatible. I’d still go talk too somebody, but I don’t see how this would work out, resolve itself, be okay, whatever. I think you need to call it a loss.KitcatOctober 14, 2017 at 2:57 pm #723392
I appreciate your input. I don’t want to leave my husband, I love him and want nothing more than to grow a family with him. This is a goal that he also shares. However to me, pot use and family do not go hand in hand. I have tried to be open about his habit and understand why he does it but I find it hard to accept. Am I wrong for this? He believes that it is no different than drinking a beer.
I think both of you sort of hoped for the ideal situation. You married someone with a history of alcohol and drug problems and hoped he wouldn’t start again, and he presumably had hopes for that as well. Or he thought that once you guys were married, he could start back up and you’d have to accept it.
I understand your concerns. Any addiction (whether it is from a physically addictive substance or it’s an emotional addiction to something that makes someone feel good) affects your relationship and has a ripple effect on everything else. Plus, it’s no fun if your partner spends most of your time together high or sneaks around and lies. Aside from that, yes, him being involved in something illegal is sort of a ticking time bomb. Everything might be fine, but he also could get fired at any time. Particularly if he’s the kind of person who can’t just maintain a habit, but keeps diving in deeper. Like if after work turns into before work or not going to work (my friend’s BIL is currently in the position where he misses work to get high a lot). I think everyone is clear on the fact that drug testing catches marijuana use if it’s not before work, but I think the point was that if a person appears high, they are more likely to be drug tested.
Anyway, unless he has intentions of immediately acting to curb his habit, I’m not sure there’s much you can do to change him. You can just decide what you want for your life. I think it’s probably best to be with someone else who share similar values. Definitely make sure you don’t have kids with him before determine whether you want this to be your life.
No, you’re not wrong. Maybe someone will come on here and convince you why you should be comfortable with this bullshit (the lying, the addiction, the putting his employability in jeopardy), or maybe they’ll give you the magic code to get him to stop. Really really do go see a counselor who specializes in families of addicts.
Love doesn’t make up for not being compatible in life. Sorry. I wish it did, but love only really enhances a relationship were two people are compatible in a lot of practical and emotional ways. People actions are more important than the words they say (they should match, but…) & no where is it more important to notice this disparity or alignment in when choosing life partners.
Oh & addicts are incredibly good at words and manipulation, they need to be in order to get what they want.
Try going to a local Al anon meeting to get perspective.KitcatOctober 14, 2017 at 3:09 pm #723396
It is a major concern, and one that I never expected to happen. We have a loving relationship, but this topic and this habit looms over me like a dark cloud. I don’t believe it effects my husband the way that it effects me, probably because he is getting what he always wanted. He never told me about his smoking weed becuase he knew that I would disagree but he thought that by keeping it from me and continuing to be a wondeful husband that I would grow to accept it when the day finally came that he would tell me. His choosing to hide this from me had the opposite effect. In fact, I think I dislike weed more now than I ever did.