PDX816December 9, 2019 at 5:32 pm #864419
I am going to weigh in as a daily user of the marijuanas. I live in Oregon, all legal here, but as I am dating this has come up. I enjoy smoking pot, it makes me happy, helps me be creative and tolerate my mother when we are together (yay edibles). I have declined to date people because they wanted me to stop and quite frankly I don’t want to. I am honest and upfront as are they.
Please do not try and control your spouses behavior. You can’t. For many of us this is the same as having a beer at the end of the night. As long as they are not skipping life duties (work, school, family functions, church, etc) in order to get stoned then you need to be ok with it.
To be clear, it is perfectly ok not to want to smoke or have a spouse that smokes, you are well within your rights to know what is comfortable and acceptable to you. You cannot decide this for another person. You cannot demand that they follow X,Y and Z to make you happy. If their behavior is ‘violating’ you, then I would strongly suggest couples counseling to get on the same page.
People change, grow apart and get divorced. It happens and, while unfortunate, is sometimes necessary for all parties to be happy)AnonApril 28, 2020 at 5:45 pm #884807
I know what your going through. I hate the lies and it, when I catch him out it causes an argument I have left him countless times over it now we have children together he is absent prioritising it over us. Today my daughter fell I patched her up made her feel better but wanted him to be with her while I made the dinner. I caught him again smoking and instead of instantly coming he wanted to smoke more I couldn’t believe he was prioritising it over caring for his daughter. I hate it and I hope either he gives up or else some day I really will leave for good.
@Anon you’ve already shown him that his smoking isn’t a big deal to you (by the leaving and coming back and having his children). I’m unsure why you felt he needed to be with the daughter if she was patched up and feeling better, but i also get your frustration that he’s not carrying his parental load and instead smoking. That’s not fair.
I think it would be a better conversation to talk about when he smokes (when the children are in bed, etc.) and how when he chooses to smoke during the day and then not help with the children that’s a problem; rather than focusing on if he smokes at all. Couples counseling might help with that conversation.
You’ve been with him for years – has he ever said he has any interest in giving up, or is that something you’re hoping for despite all evidence for years? If he does’t want to give up, and has never given up, despite you bouncing out of his life repeatedly, it honestly doesn’t look like he will ever change.
And I agree with @PDX816 – you can’t go into or stay in a relationship hoping somoene stops doing things that they’ve always enjoyed because you demand it of them. I personally couldn’t be with someone who smoked anything, and I can understand you are feeling let down and irate, but it’s also not fair to demand someone give up something or change for you if they don’t want to. You can explain why it bothers you, and what might make it better, and you can even explain it’s a hard line for you and you may not stay if they continue.
I think @curlyque is right – you need to discuss when he smokes and how he can support you looking after the kids. Couples counselling might definitely be a good idea to help you get on the same page when it comes to couple responsibilities – because this sounds a lot more like you’re mad that he’s shirking work (and therefore you have to do more than your fair share) than about smoking per se.
Anon, your subjecting yourself and your daughter to this daily while hoping he gives it up “or I really will leave one day.” That doesn’t sound like a real line in the sand to me.
If the problem is he’s not being a good partner or parenting- then why wait for him to decide to give it up- which he will likely never do of his own volition? Actually kick him out, or take him to couples counseling. Stop letting your daughter think she’s second best to daddy’s special medicine or whatever. Give him some real consequences.