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“My Husband’s Ex’s Daughter Lives with Us and Doesn’t Contribute to the Home”

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This topic contains 60 replies, has 13 voices, and was last updated by avatar Cleo 2 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #795561 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Dear Wendy
    Keymaster

    From a LW:

    Okay so my husband and I have been together for 5 years. Before we got together he had a past relationship that had been over for atleast 5yrs prior (maybe more). However his ex has a daughter that was 10 when they separated, he had been in her life from the time she was a baby, though he wasnt there when she was born or anything. But when they separated his grandparents still kept contact with his ex and her daughter. Since weve been together my husband hasnt seen this girl but maybe 3 times, and I felt like she only came around when she needed something. Now the girl is 18years old and her mom moved so she asked my husband if she could move in with us. I wanted to help her, so I said okay( she was 17 then and still in school). I thought maybe it would feel like an addition to our family, but now shes 18 and out of school with a job. It feels more like we have a roomate ( unless we’re doing something, like going to the beach or out to eat). She doesnt contribute to our home and gets angry if we say anything about food or anything. Anytime I express my feelings to my husband he gets angry at me. Then I told her to get out once and he really went bizarre after that. He claims he doesnt know how to approach the situation, but doesnt even try. Hes even went as far as to tell me im just jealous of her. I made the mistake of asking him if he was attracted to her, which made matters worse, now he tells me he would NEVER even had sex with me since shes been here if he knew I thought that! Im so hurt and confused, He gets on the defensive and I get angry. I dont know what to do, Im trying to be a good person, but is this even normal?! He doesnt act like that when its our two little girls(that arent biologically his, they are 8&9). His parents have absolutely nothing to do with her, and his grandparents are passed away now. My husband puts her above me I feel like, and gets mad if HE feels like ive offended her in any way. Its tearing us apart and making me really want to leave. He just says Okay when I say that. Please I don’t know what to do anymore. Am I wrong in my feelings? Is this normal and I just need to get over it? What is wrong with me? I really need an outside opinion!!! Thanks B.

    #795574 Reply
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    brise

    I think the communication went wrong here, and the situation is blocked. YOu are stuck. My advice would be to go to a family therapy and start a systemic approach. A couple of meetings could already help. The aim is to find some basic rules for you all to live together. It is normal that his daughter takes part in some chores (if this is what you are speaking about). I think you need also a third objective professional party to discuss the jealousy issue because it is a mined field. As you are 5 people concerned by this issue, it is worth giving a try. If your husband doesn’t want to go, go yourself at least for one meeting.

    #795577 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    If you tell your husband’s stepdaughter (because that’s essentially the relationship they have) to get out of your home and imply that he is attracted to her, then of course she’s going to act “bizarrely.”

    I agree that you need counseling, individual and as a family. Your relationships communication skills are severely lacking if you think that the things you’ve done or said so far were going to actually improve the situation.

    #795588 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    Stop accusing your husband of wanting to fuck his stepdaughter. It’s beyond unwarranted. Frankly, it’s beyond fucked up.

    #795592 Reply
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    JD

    Agreed. That is just weird.

    #795595 Reply
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    ron

    The root problem here is that you want to treat step-kids as kids, when it is how you want your husband to treat your biological, his step-, daughters. But when it is a step-daughter, whom he reasonably sees as a daughter since he’s been a part of her life since she was an infant, then you want the daughter to be treated as an alien ‘other’. Your bias toward YOUR biological kids is the huge elephant in your house. This girl is 19. A lot of 19-year olds live at home, without paying rent, in order to save to get their lives started. You treat this normal event as this young woman stealing food from your daughters’ mouths. You actually demanded she leave? Without your husband’s approval. That’s just so nasty and disruptive on so many levels.

    You are insanely jealous in a nasty way. Based upon ZERO evidence or even hints, you’ve decided that your husband is fucking or wants to fuck his step-daughter. In your little, jealous, evil-thinking mind, that’s the only reason your husband would want her to live in your house.

    You are not ready for family therapy. You need individual therapy first. It is no wonder your husband is angry. You have done your best to destroy your marriage. Here is the mind-boggler: why in the world would you want to continue to be married to a man whom you believe wants to fuck his 19-year old step-daughter. It won’t be long until your bio-daughters are teenagers. Then where does this train of thought lead you. It’s toxic. You may have to simply MOA. I think you’ve put this marriage beyond fixing. There are some levels of nasty which, once heard, can’t be unheard, even with the best marriage counselor. You’ve crossed that bridge. If I were your husband, I’d already be gone.

    #795596 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    You do sound jealous of his stepdaughter. It doesn’t matter if he didn’t see her much for a while, he is still her stepdad. She is acting much like any teen would in the same situation. You and your husband needed to agree on what chores you wanted her to do, which means only the chores you both could agree on, and then the two of you together would tell her that now that she is an adult and done with school you are treating her as an adult and from now on it is her job to take care of X, Y and Z. It is pretty standard to feed the 18 year old young adult living in your household. I can’t believe you would hold a grudge about that. I don’t know anyone who expected their kid to buy their own food at 18. Think about what you are demanding. Will you have the same expectations for your own daughters or are they just more special than that?

    You trying to kick her out without his consent was wrong. There is nothing that will destroy a marriage like a current spouse trying to kick out the child of the other spouse. Any good parent would disagree and be angry. You were going behind his back to kick out his kid.

    You consider your daughters to be his but for some reason you don’t consider his stepdaughter to be his kid. Would you want him to easily kick your daughters out of his home when they turn 18? The way he is treating his first stepdaughter is the way you can expect him to treat your daughters. You can assume he will stand up for your daughters and provide them a home if they need it.

    The suggestion that he is physically attracted to a young woman that he raised since she was a baby is pathetic and sick unless you see him doing something inappropriate. Inappropriate does not include providing her a home. That is highly appropriate. Most kids in this country are not independent when they turn 18. Their parents still provide them with a home and food and often clothing and medical care and car and insurance. If you want those things for your daughters you can’t whine about providing them for his daughter. He is setting the standard that your daughters will be able to expect. He is setting the bar high. He will be there for them even if you get divorced. That’s a real dad.

    You could definitely benefit from counseling. Either together or you going by yourself. The two of you need to learn to talk to each other. You need to find common ground. I’ve found in marriage that you need to find a solution that you both like or one of you will be left angry. I get the sense that you and your husband go back and forth with both of you ending up angry. You both need to be able to say that something doesn’t work for you and then you both keep suggesting alternatives until you find one that works. In marriage you need to find a win/win situation or you both lose. When you tried to kick out his daughter without his consent he became angry because it was something that he couldn’t agree to do. Then you were angry because he undermined what you decided to do. Search for the mutual. Toss out ideas.

    What do you think…
    How about…
    Maybe…

    With both of you tossing out ideas and either able to say no, I don’t like that one.

    #795598 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    I have to agree with Ron that accusing the husband of wanting to have sex with his daughter is something that could destroy the marriage. She has essentially told her husband she thinks he could prey on his own daughter. That is so highly repulsive I could see him be done. All because he is providing her a home, including basics like food.

    #795602 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    Oh, yeah, I mean, if someone accused me of that, I don’t think I could really see the marriage continue. It shows how disturbed they are to even think of it. If they think it could be true, then they clearly think I’m a monster. If they don’t think it’s true, then they are a manipulative sociopath.

    #795603 Reply
    avatar
    Essie
    Participant

    Yeah, I think you broke your marriage when you asked your husband if he was attracted to his stepdaughter. Those are words that can never be taken back. I don’t know if your marriage will survive this, and I don’t know if it should.

    Regarding the girl staying with you…well, this is what happens when you get married. You and your husband both came into this marriage with other family members. He took in your kids. You took in his stepdaughter.

    This would have gone more smoothly if you had set up some ground rules when she moved in. That she’d help with the chores, that she’d pay a certain amount of rent. You didn’t, and instead of working together as a team, neither you nor your husband communicated well. Instead of focusing on fixing the living-together issues, you tried to throw her out and then accused him of wanting to screw her. I can’t imagine what would have possessed you to do either of those things.

    You can try marriage counseling, I suppose, but I wouldn’t want to stay married to someone who accused me of wanting to have sex with my stepchild, and I expect your husband won’t, either.

    #795605 Reply
    avatar
    anonymousse
    Member

    You crossed a serious line.

    He treats her like a daughter. I don’t see how he’s treated her any other way. It sounds like she really doesn’t have ANYONE else that cares for her.

    She’s got nothing. It sounds like he is her only source of stability and you’ve gone off the rails with your accusations and treating her like this. Is this really you trying to be a good person?

    What you said was so wrong, I can imagine it being the breaking point. Especially since you won’t let this go.

    You need a therapist, stat. And I would also suggest apologizing for asking him that question.

    #795607 Reply
    FireStar
    FireStar
    Participant

    So it’s “our girls” …not biologically his…but the 19 year old is just some random girl who doesn’t contribute to the home and your husband got bizarrely upset when you tried kicking the child, whose life he has been in since birth, out? And he got even angrier when you accused him of wanting to have sex with her? The child he raised? He got defensive on you? So strange. So now you keep threatening to leave and he says okay when you say that. And you are wondering what that means and what you should do?
    Well. I think you leave this nice man and his step daughter alone… and he will be okay with that. Some things you can’t come back from. Some things you can’t undo or unsay. Your letter isn’t apologetic at all. You don’t see your glaring character flaws. You don’t see your hypocrisy or the lines you’ve irreversibly crossed. Behaviour you can fix in therapy. But your choices are reflective of character …not behaviour. And I think your husband sees this too, now. How disappointing for him.

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