From a LW:
“I’ve been in a a relationship with my kids’ dad going on three years now. We had two babies back to back and the youngest is now 8 months old. When we met, none of this was planned at all. Last year, he made it clear to me that how he co-parents with his other kids’ mothers has been working for them. However, now he’s saying he wants his two other kids plus his kid’s mom’s other son who is not biologically his to move in to my four-bedroom house that I built for me and my then three kids (there are now five kids, lol).
First of all, we’re are not ready financially, physically or mentally. I’ve had postpartum depression for two years now which he’s ignored and is finally recognizing somewhat. That’s on top of us arguing almost everyday. And all our kids are boys – I’m the only female in the house – and I hardly feel any respect being the woman of the house. He told me he no longer feels comfortable doing things if his other kids aren’t here to enjoy them too. And he wants his kids to do what I have my boys doing because their mothers don’t do anything active with them. I do understand where he’s coming from but it doesn’t have anything to do with me.
He told me he doesn’t know what to do because his kids’ other moms are ready for him to get his kids, but he also said early on that he made this up to see what I was going to say. But he’s stuck with this idea for almost a year now. So basically he wants to move his kids in and I told him we could still be a blended family without so many people in a small house. Not to mention, when his kids come over he makes everyone else uncomfortable to make them comfortable. Anyway, I told him I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to take on three more kids considering I’m already overwhelmed every day with my five and he’s not that supportive.
I told him that maybe he should go ahead and get his own place where he can have his other kids come and live. Which is what he’s said he’ll do anyway. Now I do want to say this I’m not against him wanting his children but most people I know who had to get their kids, it was because they were given up or taken away by the system, abused, etc., which is not the case at all with my baby daddy’s kids. Those kids are fine and in in 6 years all our kids will be grown except the two we just recently had back to back.
I read that scientists did a study and the best time to transition kids is by age five. After age five, they are already set in their ways and it will be hard to transition and parent them. It sucks the situation I’m in. I’m salty and hurt too because I wouldn’t have had these babies just for their dad to leave and to please his other kids’ moms. I feel like I tried to compromise, but now I feel kind of stupid because my man may leave his family he just created for his other kids. I don’t know I’m trying to see some positive in this situation. Any advice?”
First, birth control. Don’t have any more kids – not with this guy, not with anyone; five is enough, especially when the last two were unplanned, you’ve had PPD this entire time, and you have a dysfunctional relationship with your most recent babies’ father.
Two, this relationship is done. Kick the deadbeat dad out and assume the responsibility of raising your five kids alone (or at least without the help of the most recent father). The energy you are spending on this man who contributes nothing worth mentioning in your letter is being wasted and when you have five children needing your support, you do no have the energy to spare. Let this guy go figure out how to parent his other kids without sponging on you and re-focus your attention onto your children and your own mental and physical well-being.
You are fortunate in that you own a home – and a home that’s adequate in size for six people. It sounds like your older kids are enough to even help with the younger kids, so lean into that support when it’s appropriate (the older kids may be able to babysit, on occasion, for example, allowing you to go to therapy or to a fitness class or meet up with a friend for a walk. These things are going to be important as you balance parenting five children on your own while prioritizing your own health).
As for kids not being able to transition to new changes after the age of five, that’s ridiculous. That’s ridiculous and it’s unnecessary for you to cite silly things like this that are easily debunked when you have reason enough for not wanting three extra children in your home plus a man who can’t be depended on to do dick squat to help you raise all these children. Of course kids can adapt to change after the age of five and many can adapt and *thrive.* The key is to provide a positive and nurturing environment for kids – one where their physical, emotional, and mental needs are met. As long as kids’ needs are met, they can adapt to many situations. If there’s a situation that makes it easier for you to meet your kids’ needs – like kicking out a deadbeat dad who only takes from you and doesn’t give – then that is a net positive for them and for you.
Completely agree with Wendy. What the hell is this guy contributing? And then he’s CAUSING you problems. It’s absurd to bring 3 more boys in for a total of 8 boys and 2 adults in a small house, especially when these kids have moms who presumably love them and aren’t mistreated. This sounds like a bullshit ego thing and, yes, sponging off you. Just no. And I do think you should focus on doing the best you can for the kids you have, and your mental health, and co-parenting, while avoiding any more pregnancies. A room for you and 3 rooms for your 5 kids, that’s really plenty.
- This reply was modified 11 months ago by Kate.
Also the title of this… girl, he’s not going to leave. He’s trying to pressure you to take these 3 extra kids so he can pull this power move and be some kind of big man. This isn’t about him leaving or threatening to leave. He’s almost certainly completely full of shit about getting his own place and moving his 3, or 5 (including your mutual 2) boys in with him. I mean, come on. This whole thing is about YOU busting your ass to take care of him and his kids and prob paying their bills too. His saying, “well that’s what I’ll do” is such nonsense. No, he won’t. If you kick him out, he’ll go find another lady to have a baby with, and his other 5 kids will undoubtedly still be with their respective moms. Ugh.AnonymousseJanuary 2, 2023 at 11:37 pm #1117884
I don’t want to be too hard on you which I know when multiple people are saying the same thing- make too-fast, life-altering choices with someone you haven’t known for too long and watch the drama unfold-It feels like we’re all ganging up on you, so I’m sorry.
We get many letters with ladies writing into his forum with “it’s wasn’t planned, we had two kids back to back accidentally, lol.” It’s not lol. You know how biology works, and I know you do because you have kids nearly grown, right? I know you wouldn’t trade a child of yours for the world now, and I’m not saying you should, but you should not think of bringing any more life into the world with any more men esp. ones you haven’t even dated for a pandemic era. I think I had kids and got married fast- and we still had a couple years of dating…like 2-3 before that happened and people were all like, wow that was fast. I mean, wow. You guys did that fast! Why? Why is that LOL to you? Or was the lol meant as sarcasm?
You sound really unhappy, you have been diagnosed with PPD and your partnered with a jerk. Do not pass off you’re own bad decision making. I know you won’t, and you don’t need us to say it to you, probably but you have to make decisions with your mental health and physical stamina as the #1 priority in mind. You don’t need to be anyones brood mare because thinking too far ahead ruins the moment. You both sound volatile together if you fight everyday. Fundamentally, you are not compatible. He does really need to go, you get to choose when.
I wish you strength and although maybe you’ve hated reading everything I’ve written, I do wish you well and hope things get better, easier and you find someone who values you and treats you right in good time. Focus on yourself and those babies for now. Good luck.
I also want to point out how manipulative he is. He lied to you about his kids’ moms being fine with him taking the kids. He’s ignoring your PPD. He’s leading you to believe he’ll leave you if you don’t accommodate his ridiculous request to have you raise his 3 other kids in your home. This is a bunch of lies and gaslighting.AnonymousseJanuary 3, 2023 at 8:56 am #1117889
I agree with Kate, fully. He’s being manipulative and trying to push you into a corner by floating an idea incredibly insane or actually wants you to kick him out and is being a baby, which doesn’t sound out of character, either.
I’m still curious as why you let some guy move into the house you built when he does nothing to help.LisforLeslieJanuary 3, 2023 at 9:32 am #1117890
It sounds like he’s bringing more work, more pain and more drama into your life than anything positive.
He sees that you are an engaged mother and has decided that he wants you to provide that to his kids too. He has NOT said that he will take on those activities; he expects YOU to do the work. Thought for you – who did all of the Christmas shopping and preparations this year?
I think suggesting that he get his own house so he can have his other children with him as much as he wants is an excellent suggestion.
As a stepparent, it’s important to treat the kids with kindness. But you should not be expected to play mom. I’m a kid of divorced parents with step siblings and a “half” sibling. Treatment wasn’t equal but it was fair.ReddJanuary 3, 2023 at 9:19 pm #1117913
Thanks guys for all the help and comments he’s finally gone enough is enough I cannot Deal with is toxicity and narcissistic behaviors I’ve blocked him filed a protection order and filed for child support. I’m grateful for my beautiful babies and recently found out I’m pregnant again by him. I will be just fine without him I don’t need anything from him I will raise my beautiful 6 children and continue my journey I started before that devil came into my life. And he can forget about co parenting because he’s too toxic and not mentally stable. I’m grateful for you all and my children. And I will continue to finish school and working on my own businesses.KateJanuary 4, 2023 at 7:58 pm #1117939
I… okay, that was fast.
I don’t get going from repeatedly getting pregnant with someone and talking about a blended family, to a few days later filing a protective order and stating that he’s too mentally unstable, toxic, and evil to be a parent. It’s such a dramatic swing. What’s going on here? Was he abusing you? Are you safe? Is all of this true?
The LW actually wrote this letter a few months ago and I found it in my end-of-year organizing. I had hoped it wasn’t too late to talk some sense so I posted her letter and sent her the link. So, these new developments didn’t happen quite as quickly as it may appear.