November 3, 2018 at 8:43 am #806821
7 days ago I hopped on a plane to spend Halloween weekend with the love of my life. I guess I should tell the back story. We had broken up a month prior, but we discussed that we would try to work on things. Halloween weekend was supposed to be the weekend we talked it all out. Now back to the story. I land in town and her and I decide that we would just see each other tomorrow. I go to bed and around 230 in the morning I wake up from 2 missed calls and 2 text messages. I read the texts first. “-insert name- was shot” “please call me”. I immediately call her. -Fast forwarding the story.- I pick her up from the police station and she tells me that the person that got shot didn’t make it. I ask her where she wants to go, telling her I’d take her anywhere she needed and wanted to be. She told me she just wanted to be with me. We get back to my friends place and she falls asleep. Her phones going off so I go to silence it and out of curiosity (don’t ask why. Just a gut feeling) I go to the text messages between her and the “friend” she just lost. I find out that they have been dating. That they slept together. Kissed. You know, couple things I guess. At the moment I felt sick to my stomach. I paced the floors tryin to figure out in my head what my next move would be. I didn’t want to be that asshole, because the guy JUST died. But, I thought we were working on us. You know? I end up waking her up and asking her to come outside. I was going to drop her off somewhere, anywhere other than where I was. As soon as we got outside she asked me what was wrong. I looked at her, with tears in my eyes and told her that I was sorry she lost her boyfriend. That I couldn’t begin to imagine how she felt. Her entire body language changed and it was like she was angry, but she knew she couldn’t be because she knew in some way she was wrong? We argued outside for like an hour. I kept asking her why and all she would say is “me and you weren’t together.” Like that meant she didn’t do anything wrong. She told me that we were supposed to be working on things. I asked her how long it has been going on. She told me they had been dating for two weeks. I can still see the text messages I read. She seemed like she was on top of the world talking to him. Like she used to be when she would talk to me. Now she’s mourning him. Posting videos with them together. Writing how he meant everything to her..& I’m just here with a broken heart and tears in my eyes trying to pick up the pieces and figure out where I went wrong. When she stopped loving me. Why she told me that we were working on things when she was building something with someone else. You know the most pathetic part of all of this? I love her so much that I want to forgive her and still be with her. I still want her to choose me. She told me that she still loves me and she hopes that one day I can forgive and trust her again. Calls me and wants me to be there for her in her time of need. But…what about me? I feel like such an idiot. I’ve been crying on and off for a week now. I don’t know what to do.November 3, 2018 at 8:51 am #806822
You were on a break!
Seriously, you both are fat too immature to date.November 3, 2018 at 9:02 am #806823
The fact that you weren’t together is a valid reason to date someone else.
The fact that she wasn’t honest with you about that while you were talking about reconciliation is a valid reason to not get back together.
That’s where you are at. You shouldn’t have to be the shoulder she cries on mourning her boyfriend. And guess what? You can choose not to be. You can tell her you were mistaken and that the two of you were not on the same page and wish her well. Block her. Delete her contact info and find someone else you don’t have all these issues with. Because frankly, if you were broken up, you had other issues too. You are just dating. You shouldn’t have to overcome obstacles and mistrust and all this drama. The obstacles are there for a reason. They are telling you something. Understand this isn’t the person for you and move on.November 3, 2018 at 9:08 am #806824
I think you should look at your life choices. The level of drama is a clear indication that shit shows are what you’re used to. Take a long break from dating and focus on building a solid foundation. When you do date, aim higher and don’t refer to girls you have on/off relationships with as the love of your life—they’re not and this one certainly isn’t.
And yeah, when you’re broken up, you’re broken up and you have no claim on the other person’s affection.November 3, 2018 at 9:48 am #806826
Royalty, I had a guy to this to me. 2 yrs of dating and decided to “take a break” but he refused to detach from me and I was so low that I allowed him to use me. That’s whats happened here. I understand what you are saying and how you are feeling with the exception of the other person dying. Take that person dying out of the equation and what you have is a person who is using you. When somebody wants to take a break from a relationship you should just look at it wholeheartedly as a breakup and stop communication with them. I think it’s a little disgusting that she’s using you to be a shoulder to cry on over the situation. It sounds like she knew this guy longer than 2 weeks. If I were you I literally would stop talking to her and move on with your life. You do have every right to be upset and angered but that should be your motivation to move on.November 3, 2018 at 10:44 am #806836
The suggestion that the two of you could work on your relationship while she was dating someone else was dishonest. Maybe she was dishonest with you, maybe you were dishonest with yourself. Perhaps you thought that weekend you would be working on re-establishing the romantic relationship, perhaps she thought that you would be working on establishing a friendship, perhaps she was going to play you and try to simultaneously have two boyfriends.
It sounds like you were her second choice. Now that her first choice is dead, you are her only current option. There will be no happiness found by clinging on to a relationship where your partner considers you to be their fallback option, while they are looking for (what they consider to be) a better option.November 3, 2018 at 11:36 am #806839
You broke up over a month ago.November 3, 2018 at 12:59 pm #806841
Anonymousse makes the key point. LW does not say they ‘took a break’, which is a tricky/ambiguous concept at best — he says they ‘broke up’. They broke up a month before the Halloween flight. That means they can both date anyone. No strings attaching them to each other. His gf did nothing wrong.
The discussion of the meeting to ‘try to work on things’ is vague, while his alternate ‘to talk things out’ is even vaguer, almost a post-mortem. It sounds like something they agreed at time of breakup. Since this was an actual breakup, presumably working on things didn’t imply resuming the romantic relationship if one of them found another SO in the interim. Did they set this appointment at the time they broke up in order to get past the emotion so that they could try to go forward as friends ? To me ‘work on things’ isn’t the same as ‘Try to work things out’ suggests more discussing what went wrong and perhaps going forward as friends than trying to fix what was wrong and get back together. Was exploring getting back together romantically the actual plan or was it only LW’s individual wish? If he had to fly to her they would become, at best, LDR whatevers. Their prior difficulties must have been fairly significant, since they broke and it sounds like they had little contact for a month.
LW had no right to snoop her phone, and from the way he rights, he knows this. His attitude is likely part of why they broke up. His report of what he found is oddly written. She slept with the other guy. They kissed? Would it be better in his mind if they had hooker-type sex and she withheld a kiss?
I believe he still wants to be with her, but he is willing to forgive her? She has done nothing that requires forgiveness. When did she stop loving him? I’m fairly sure that happened some time before they broke up. Either that or they had irreconcilable differences he wasn’t willing or able to cede to her position.November 3, 2018 at 1:11 pm #806842
Oh I was just saying it to be a bitch because it’s such a ridiculous letter. Franky I doubt the validity. Break or not, ridiculous drama. Oh, and it was a Friends reference.November 3, 2018 at 4:07 pm #806846
LW, it always hurts to find out that someone you loved is into someone else, but she hasn’t done anything wrong here, and she doesn’t require your forgiveness. She didn’t cheat on you. It sounds like you broke up two weeks before she started seeing this guy.
As for the fact that she agreed to “try to work on things”… I’m sorry, but that’s meaningless. She probably agreed to that in an attempt to spare your feelings after the breakup. It’s a thing that people say to let someone down easy. It doesn’t mean you’re still a couple, it doesn’t mean that either of you can’t see other people.
It sounds to me like this relationship ended with the breakup, and that’s what you have to focus on now. Stop trying to get her back. Move on. Stop following her on social media. It will help you get over her sooner if you stop all contact with her. It’s not really fair of her to ask you to comfort her in her grief over her new boyfriend, and it’s absolutely OK for you to say “No, I’m sorry, it’s too hard for me to be around you and listen to you mourn another guy. I can’t do that for you.”
One other tip: don’t get caught up in this “love of my life” business. This might have been the best relationship you’ve had so far, but I’m guessing that you’re young. You have your whole life ahead of you, and there are going to be more loves. The love of your life will be someone who loves you the way you love them.November 3, 2018 at 9:41 pm #806858
Quit taking her calls and block her on social media because every call and every text is going to hurt. You’ll feel better much faster if you cut all contact.
She didn’t cheat on you because the two of you were broken up. She was free to date and kiss and sleep with whomever she wished. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt but she didn’t do anything wrong.
Did she ever suggest that working on things meant trying to get back together or was it all much more vague? If the trip was scheduled after she started seeing him she should have asked you to not schedule. If it was scheduled before she started seeing him she might not have known how to tell you that she was seeing someone else and that there was no point in you coming to visit.
She was probably over the relationship before you broke up. Did she break up with you? Often the person who ends the relationship has been over the relationship for a while and it is easier for them to move on because ending the relationship makes them happy. It makes what they have been feeling and wanting official.
She’s not the love of your life even if it feels like it at this moment. Sooner or later you will meet someone who is a better match and then you will be glad you aren’t with her.November 4, 2018 at 2:41 am #806861
You can’t be broken up and together at the same time, @d2. What is dishonest about dating when single?