- This topic has 46 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 1 month ago by KA.
From a LW:
“My issue started when I decided to be in a long distance relationship. There’s a 6-hour time difference between me and my boyfriend and we both work. We’ve been together for quite awhile now and we’ve been trying to make this relationship work. I’m a very introverted and private person, it was and still difficult for me to open up or share private matters with anyone but since I knew he liked that I’ve been trying to make an effort.
For more context, my boyfriend likes to know the details of where and with whom I’m going out. We argued about this twice and I stupidly promised to do better but, recently, I slipped and made a mistake; I only told him that I went out but I didn’t give any other information. He said that I exclude him from my life and that I don’t care about how he feels. I share with you what he texted me:
“What am I supposed to do? simply not trust you anymore? be with a person that I can’t expect to keep their promises? we’ve talked about this 100 times before, you know what I want, you know how I feel and yet you chose to do the opposite. you promised me! it doesn’t matter now I don’t need you to validate how i feel right now. It’s not about you telling me or not right now because quite frankly I don’t care if you do or don’t anymore. It’s about the promises you made. It’s about the trust I put in you).”
And when I told told him that I kept my promise to him and that today was just a mistake! He said: “sure. whatever you say.”
I never thought that this would grow to be such a big issue. I’m very loyal. I have two friends and I’m usually between home and work and if I go out, 99% of time it’s with family. I actually was in a hurry when my mom asked me to go out and I texted him with the thought of calling him back as soon as I get home and that’s exactly what I’ve done but his response to my call was very dry and different like he didn’t wanna talk, but still I called him back and tried to understand what was wrong. He told me and I tried to explain but he was just not understanding!
I’m really confused. I don’t wanna lose this man especially because we’ve planned our future together. We often talk about getting married and building a family. Despite the distance and our different work schedules we try to find time to talk and video call and keep each other updated. I know it was my fault and I know I should have kept my promise and communicated with him better but I made a mistake and I can’t go back in time and change it!
What should I do? How can I make things better and get him to trust me? Or is it a matter that cannot be fixed? I’m afraid he found someone who’s extroverted and talks better than I do but we’ve already talked about this before and told him to just be honest with me if he does! I don’t know what to think anymore! Please help. “AnonymousseJanuary 26, 2024 at 10:19 am #1127860
How did you meet? Have you met IRL? Can you tell more about your relationship, like any time spent in person?
What about his issue of his is your fault? He has a trust issue. He is very controlling and alienating and has jealousy issues. Why is he in LDRs? Is it because in person he is really overbearing and controlling, too? I think it’s time to leave this relationship because if he fundamentally does not trust you, how will that change? He’s rude and mean and insinuating you’re doing something wrong.AnonymousseJanuary 26, 2024 at 10:20 am #1127861
A partner should love and trust you and support you, not assume you’re doing Bad Things and causing a fight over it.
Have you two even met in person? Everything you’ve said about your relationship is among the hallmarks of a really unhealthy and potentially dangerous dynamic. The controlling behavior is not a sign of love; it’s the sign of someone who is deeply troubled and flawed and not at all good boyfriend material let along husband material.
There is no salvaging a relationship with someone who would demand you tell him every time you leave your house and with whom you’re going out. There’s no relationship if there is no trust and there’s no relationship if you’ve never actually met in person and there’s no relationship with someone who wants to possess you – who sees you as an object and ignores your humanity. I would urge you to block this person, move on with your life, and avoid starting relationships with anyone you haven’t had the chance to spend quality in-person time with.The person with this concernJanuary 26, 2024 at 11:24 am #1127867
Hello everyone. Thank you all for your response! For those asking if we have met IRL, we initially met online but we yes, we have met IRL and everytime we spent a great time together full of laughter and joy. We’re originally from the same country but he has been working and living abroad for almost 8 years now that’s why we’re in a LDR however and as I said before, we often talk about marriage and living together. I tried talking about the issue again and he said he doesn’t wanna talk about it anymore and he doesn’t wanna reach that point where he starts to not care about what I do. For more information, I’m a very introverted person, and I always had troubles sharing details about my life with others but since I met him I’ve been trying to change thay and be more transparent but the way he reacts everytime I make the mistake of falling into my old habits just makes me feel hurt and heavy hearted! I don’t see why he wouldn’t trust me when he knows exactly that I have nobody, no guy friends, nothing! I spent my days between work and home and he knows this very well! I know to you leaving this relationship sounds as the perfect solution, but not for me. I actually do want to make things right with this man, we’ve been together for a long time and I have already developed strong feelings for him.PeggyJanuary 26, 2024 at 12:11 pm #1127870
Hi. I think if you have to change who you are, what you do, to try and please and satisfy this guy then this relationship is not right. Also if he is so controlling and questioning now, what will happen when you two get married. He will question you about everything you do. Also, is it possible that he is doing things that he shouldn’t, so he worries you are acting as he does?
You keep second guessing yourself to see how you can assurer him you are not doing anything wrong. But the problem is not with you, it is all on him.
You can’t fix this and if you try to, if you stay, your life will be miserable. Drop him now.LisforLeslieJanuary 26, 2024 at 2:25 pm #1127871
I find his behavior highly objectionable. It’s very controlling and I think you’re setting yourself up for absolute misery if you allow this to continue. I understand that he wants to know you’re OK, but demanding to know where you are and who you are with is not how adults treat one another.
I suspect, and I could be wrong, that you are modifying your own behaviors so that you don’t “make” him feel jealous? That if a coworker asked to grab some lunch and talk about work stuff, you’d either avoid that lunch or make sure a bunch of other people were there, even if you felt perfectly comfortable having lunch with this person alone, would you modify your behavior so that your boyfriend wouldn’t get upset?
And how does he know that you’re out and about without telling him – is he tracking your or do you have one another on some find my friends crap? That’s just invasive. I understand that some people share it for their own protection – if I can’t reach you for a while, I can find you on your phone – but this sounds like unhinged monitoring.
Honestly, if someone else was telling you this is how their partner behaved, what would you tell them? Would you tell them to acquiesce to unreasonable demands or do you think maybe, this is unreasonable?Miss MJJanuary 26, 2024 at 4:33 pm #1127872
So many red flags here, LW. LDRs are hard enough when everyone is actively trying to make them work by respecting each other’s time and also still making time for the relationship. Your guy isn’t respecting you or your time. Your life does not have to revolve him, he has no business knowing every time you leave the house and it’s ridiculous the level of manipulation and gaslighting he’s doing in an attempt to control you from afar. Please leave this relationship now, while it’s still long distance and you have lots of time and space in between you and him. You will be much happier with someone who (1) respects who you are as a person and doesn’t demand you change your personality to be with him; (2) trusts you; (3) respects that you have a life and friends and obligations and fun outside of him and does not harass you over that; and (4) respects basic boundaries like, oh, I don’t know, your ability to move about without an accountability partner as an adult. He will only get worse and if you ever end up living with him, this has isolating, controlling and potentially ultimately abusive behavior written all over it. Just get out now.CanadaGooseJanuary 26, 2024 at 4:41 pm #1127873
When you say you’ve been together ‘a long time’, how long is that exactly? How much time have you physically spent together? How well do you know each other’s friends and families? Have either of you been in long term relationships before? It sounds like you do not have much relationship experience. Do not consider marriage with someone you hardly know in the real, physical world. A spouse should be your cheerleader, not your jailer. This guy sounds absolutely awful. The world is full of lovely men who will not act like spoiled toddlers if they cannot control you. You are missing out on them with this turkey. He spends a lot of time telling you how you just living your life like a normal adult makes him feel. Turn that on him. Tell him acting like surveillance is required to merit his trust makes you extremely uncomfortable and you’re not going to report in like you’re on parole. If he wants to be worthy of you, he needs to trust you. If he can’t, he is not worthy. The only mistake you’re making is tolerating this behaviour.AnonymousseJanuary 26, 2024 at 6:19 pm #1127874
How long have you been together and how much time have you spent in person?
He sounds like a controlling, abusive, overbearing and jealous man. A lot of people talk about what they want in the future with the person they are currently in a relationship with. That’s why people date, because they see that person in that role, maybe…until a guy shows you he’s a serious jerk like this and you move on because you know you deserve better.
Long distance relationships are dumb, in m6 opinion. Look for someone local to you, now, who is interested and likes who you are NOW.AnonymousseJanuary 26, 2024 at 6:21 pm #1127875
You did not really answer the question. Have you been in an LDR with this man for eight years? How long have you known him? How long have you dated him? How much actual time have you spent in person with him, that was full of joy and laughter?The person with this concernJanuary 27, 2024 at 9:39 am #1127876
Updates on the situation.
We talked about what happened and he explained that he just had doubts about how I feel and if I was only sharing things with him because he asked me to do so, based on what he said, he wants to be part of my everyday life but he doesn’t want to feel like I don’t want him to or that when I’m sharing things with him I do it because he forced me to. To him sharing small details helps us feel closer despite the distance. He also stated that he would try and go easy on this matter because he does want this relationship to work. I’m not really sure but I thought maybe something happened in his previous relationship that made him decide to make something like this to become very important in the relationship.
We’ve been together for 2 years and we met more than I can count, even though his family home is in a different city than mine, he drives about 8 hours to come meet me.
I know I’m not responsible for his insecurities or any doubts he might have because I know that I’m not doing anything wrong or sketchy. I’m just very introverted and private and I throughout the years, I’ve built walls around me to protect my well-being. But when I met him and got to know him, I was ready to start letting him in, the only issue is that I can’t do it as quickly as he expected me to, I need time.