- This topic has 46 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 1 month ago by KA.
Part-time LurkerJanuary 27, 2024 at 10:29 am #1127877
This is just so horrifying. I’ve been sitting here for almost 10 minutes trying to think of what to say that might get through to you and I’m honestly at a loss. The level of manipulation, control, and gaslighting (making you think it’s your fault because you’re introverted) is just……it’s a lot. Does he tell you every time he goes somewhere, who he’s with, and what he’s doing? Why not?
You say that you know you’re not responsible for his insecurities but then you turn around and blame yourself and take responsibility for his actions “the only issue is that I can’t do it as quickly as he expected me to, I need time.”
You are not the problem.
You did not do anything wrong.
Do some online research about coercive control.
You keep saying “I’m an introverted and private person” without explaining the relevance. The subtext I’m getting is that you don’t want to break up because then you’d be alone. This is the exact type of person an abuser seeks out, because they are easier to control.
Boyfriend aside: are you happy with your life? Are you doing things you enjoy? If boyfriend ghosted you tomorrow what would your life look like?
If the answer is yes you’re happy with your life, why isn’t your boyfriend happy and excited for you?
Is your boyfriend happier when you’re happier? When things go well, is he excited for you?
If not, really sit on what that means for you.KateJanuary 27, 2024 at 12:11 pm #1127879
This is really bad. This relationship is unhealthy. You two don’t sound like you have the real connection and chemistry needed if you were to try to make it work for real. And an all long-distance relationship that lasts years, isn’t real. You’ll realize that when you get into a healthy loving relationship with someone local. And finally, his behavior is a huge red flag, not normal, not okay. You should break up with him.KateJanuary 27, 2024 at 2:00 pm #1127880
I also think there’s a very good chance he’s got a local girlfriend or is talking to more women than just you. Guys that act controlling and give you this bullshit about not trusting you, are usually not trustworthy themselves. And after 6 years? If he wanted to marry you and be together, he’d have made it happen by now.ronJanuary 27, 2024 at 2:38 pm #1127881
If in his philosophy a long-distance relationship partner is supposed to declare every trip out of the house and the persons were with or talked to during that trip, then that should apply equally to both partners. If it applies to only one of you, then logically it should be him, because guys cheat more frequently than women do. His one-sided approach is pure misogyny. I’m guessing he’s laughing at you. You need to MOA and get a partner you can see frequently in real life. If you’re determined to stay with this ‘relationship, which is a HUGE mistake, then I think you should tell him that you made a big mistake and should never have promised to participate in this untrusting one-sided ‘accountability’. Give him a week to agree to give up this week, and if he refuses then you must MOA, having given him a second chance to correct at least some of his ways.
My god what a dramatic and guilt trip-y text just because you didn’t provide every last detail before going out before you walked out the door. Everyone else is spot on. This isn’t healthy. He’s controlling and manipulative.
But mostly wanted to comment on this:
“I’m not really sure but I thought maybe something happened in his previous relationship that made him decide to make something like this to become very important in the relationship.”
I’ve had two boyfriends cheat on me. The second boyfriend to do so, I caught him online dating a year into our relationship. To date, I’ve never known how long he was on the dating sites while we were together or how many women he messaged, took out on dates, slept with, etc. I only know that I caught on one day, we broke up, and he’s now married to the woman I caught him with. It was absolutely devastating at the time and I was not okay for awhile after. I definitely had some lingering issues (mine were not trust related) that I noticed popping up when I got back onto the dating scene. I got into therapy. I did not take it out on the people I was dating. Men are just as responsible for taking accountability for their own behavior as women. If a past relationship fucked him up a bit, I feel for him and sure, maybe it gives context to the behavior. It does not justify his behavior. You say you know you’re not responsible for his insecurities, but you’re still acting like you are. I promise, there is better out there for you.
ETA: Also, to @Kate’s point about the least trusting men often being the least trustworthy… the first boyfriend to cheat on me was like that. I swear, men tell on themselves early on all the time.
golfer.galJanuary 27, 2024 at 4:50 pm #1127884
- This reply was modified 1 month ago by Copa.
Wanting to be a part of your everyday life when you’re in a long distance relationship sounds thoughtful and caring. Forcing you to account for your every movement, then accusing you of lying and threatening to not care about you anymore because you forgot to mention you went out with your mom does not fall into this category.
You say you talk all the time about living together and marriage, but how realistic is that really? From the outside this looks like someone who is using the fact that you don’t have a lot of connections and social support against you, because if you lose him you’ll lose a large source of connection in your life and he therefore knows you’ll put up with controlling bullshit. Getting jealous and accusing you of lying for something as simple as visiting a parent discourages you from going out with friends or other people. You can see that right? All the bullshit talk about getting married keeps you on the hook and putting up with this crap.
Kate is correct that it’s very, very likely he’s got other women, or a committed relationship, in his hometown. Even if this relationship was perfect in every way, how many more months or years should you invest in someone you’ll never, ever live with or even live close to? You need to distance yourself and invest that time into making more in-person connections in your local area
This whole introvert thing is extremely troublesome and weird. You mention it a lot.
Opening up and sharing information is not the same as accounting for your every movement. You do not need to tell him every time you leave the house and with whom. You’re not in prison. And it has nothing to do with being an introvert or extravert. I think you need to see a therapist because he has you convinced that you must tell him everything. You don’t.
I do not keep tabs on my husband. And vice versa. For all I know, he could be lunching everyday with new people. He’ll mention it if there’s something interesting to mention. He’s also not a big sharer, and I’m ok with that.
Add me to those who agree with Kate and that he probably strays.AnonymousseJanuary 27, 2024 at 7:13 pm #1127886
How old are you?
Have you been to his house?KateJanuary 27, 2024 at 7:28 pm #1127887
I wouldn’t put much stock in having been to his house if they’re long distance, speaking from experience. I had been to my long distance bf’s apartment, even stayed there for a week. And then one time there were earrings on the nightstand.HeartsMumJanuary 28, 2024 at 4:33 am #1127889
All these people giving solid advice, but you believe starting fresh isn’t the answer. Apart from all the other helpful points, I would say, have you spoken to anyone you ARE close to about your boyfriend’s issues?
Other than that, I think if your boyfriend wants to know all the details of who/where/what, and you want to participate in this, there is so much technology that could take the stress out of it for you. After all, a phone with tracking software can be left at home and your burner phone go with you. What about an ankle tracker such as prisoners use? Data plans are so much cheaper these days. He can set up a bodycam that you mount on your wrist facing you (check your employer is okay with that) and old smartphones in every room in your house can transmit updates to him anytime of day or night. That way, you don’t have to worry that you haven’t told him anything by mistake. [disclaimer: when you try to meet the demands in a coercive control situation, the person in charge moves the goalposts, so you will need to be ready for your every move and word to be subject to the continuing scrutiny, control and abuse you are seeking to submit yourself fully to now.]AnonymousseJanuary 28, 2024 at 8:53 am #1127892
I think it is relevant.