- This topic has 46 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 1 month ago by KA.
“When I talk about being an introvert, I mean that I haven’t been able to develop good communication and social skills.”
What you are describing seems to be social anxiety, awkwardness, or discomfort, not introversion. Being an introvert has nothing to do with social skills or how garrulous you are. Introverts are not inherently bad communicators or socially awkward; they find social situations more draining and recharge alone. Extroverts are recharged through socialization and are not inherently outgoing or charming.
Are you staying with this man who lives far away because maybe you believe that your lack of communication and social skills make you unloveable or undateable to local men?
In any case, communication and social skills are just that — skills! You can practice them. I used to be very shy and awkward. I’m not anymore. You can join MeetUp groups. Sign up for a class/learn a new hobby. I started taking pottery classes several months ago, it’s mostly women and there’s a lot of low stakes chatter while we throw. Groups like Toastmasters are designed to help people build confidence through public speaking. I’ll bet if you build up your confidence, losing this guy won’t seem like such a loss.AnonymousseJanuary 28, 2024 at 9:49 pm #1127910
I have to echo, how feasible is being together, marriage and a life if he is 29 and living with roommates in another country 8 hours away? Was he always in another country? Have you ever thought the reason you both are choosing someone you can’t actually be with is because you unconsciously want to keep yourself from real vulnerability and love? He can’t get to know you from his distance.
I understand you’re probably like, WTF why do they need to know? Incomplete and inaccurate info affects the advice.
He’s met your friends and family? Your parents and roommates?
You should take these “social issues” to your GP. He or she can refer you to a therapist or a psychiatrist. A simple anti anxiety medication or coping skills may help you immensely.
I think you need to let this guy go and date people local to you that you can actually develop a close relationship with. 8 hours away in another country seems like a purposeful choice not to get close to anyone.AnonymousseJanuary 28, 2024 at 9:50 pm #1127911
You’ve met his roommates? You video call often and you’ve seen the place? Tell the truth.
His behavior strongly suggests that HE is not trustworthy. I, too, wondered if you had seen his living situation on video, seen / met his roommates. Even if that’s all true, I think you’re naive to think he couldn’t be entertaining other women. Multiple-male roommate situations are conducive to that, I know because I’ve heard wild stories about my husband’s college and post college living situation. And even if you’ve met his family.., I mean, again, it’s a red flag if you haven’t, but even if you have, it doesn’t matter. A lot of us have met, gone on vacation with, etc., the families of men who cheated on us. Finally, great point about why you would choose a boyfriend who lives 6 time zones away… what’s that, the US? Asia? … in a country you can’t visit. Right? You chose that for a reason, consciously or subconsciously. It makes a lot of sense to see if you can work with a therapist or coach on your social issues, whether that’s anxiety or something else.
We’re not trying to be jerks here, but do want you to see that this isn’t a good situation for you.LisforLeslieJanuary 29, 2024 at 6:41 am #1127913
People attribute their own motivations to everyone around them. We all believe our nonsense is everyone’s nonsense. People who lie assume everyone else is lying. People who are kindhearted believe everyone has good in their heart. So someone who assumes everyone is cheating is… either cheating or may be tempted to cheat. That’s it. That’s the key. He’s attributing his own failures to you because he assumes that everyone is like him and not worthy of trust.
Don’t let your social awkwardness convince you that this is the best you’re going to get. It’s not. It may take a little time, but it is entirely possible to meet someone who is deserving of your time and trust, but it is likely not this guy that you’re “dating” now.AnonymousseJanuary 29, 2024 at 9:07 am #1127914
Okay, bottom line is you cannot MAKE someone trust you. You’ve done nothing to earn his mistrust- but you still have to answer to his fears and demands. He doesn’t trust you, and he is not going to change. I hope this thread has given you a different POV about these troubling aspects about your relationship. You say you want a marriage and a family, but you’ve chosen someone in a different time zone who doesn’t trust you. Why?
His need to know where you are isn’t out of wondering what your day is like and wanting to connect, he got angry with you when you didn’t immediately tell him what you were doing. What do your two friends say about him? Your mother?
I think speculation that he’s got hoes in other area codes is kind of beside the point here. This relationship isn’t going anywhere regardless. But yes, a VERY sizable chunk of my friends have ended up inadvertently out with men who turned out to be married or in relationships. Or have had the unpleasant experience I’ve had of discovering their SO is using dating sites to meet other people. The most egregious was a friend who dated a guy for 4-5 months who said his wife died in a boating accident. The wife turned out to be very much still alive. My friend found court records indicating they’d very recently filed for divorce, but they were definitely still married and living together while she was with him. I thought it was super creepy that he didn’t just hold himself out as single… why did he have to invent a story in which his wife died tragically? People are messy out there.KAJanuary 29, 2024 at 3:53 pm #1127929
This is one walking RED FLAG. Grilling people and demanding details about everything a person does is not healthy and not how someone shows they care. Also… making mouth noises about some hypothetical future together isn’t a reason to not want to lose a relationship. All those plans are just that … mouth noises. They mean nothing.
I want you to imagine having someone in your life who you see frequently and enjoys doing the same activities together but who is thrilled when you go out with your friends and the only question they ask is “did you have a nice time?”
This guy has managed to manipulate you into a “promise” you never should have been asked to give much less given. If you won’t just break up with him, please please simply tell him that it isn’t his business how you spend your time and who with and just stop catering to this nonsense.The person with this concernJanuary 30, 2024 at 12:32 pm #1127934
I would like to thank each and everyone of you who took time to reply and give me advice. Your words have given me time to think and notice a lot of things that I wasn’t really paying attention to. It’s like I have a new perspective on this relationship.
We’ve talked on video calls where he showed me his house, I haven’t met anyone of his friends but he did send me pictures of his close friend who recently got married.
Yesterday we were talking and I asked about his work schedule but he told me that he has a day off, I didn’t think much of it until he said “I thought I’d already mentioned it” and that made me wonder if it was me who forgot telling him something like this, what would his reaction be?! So I just replied with “well you didn’t tell me” I’m not sure if I’m just over thinking about it but he became extra sweet and even the good morning message he sent me was not his usual and it just seemed as he felt guilty about it and was trying to distract me.
I’m definitely taking a step back and revaluating this relationship because the last thing I wanna do is waste my late 20s in a toxic and unhealthy relationship.KAJanuary 30, 2024 at 12:59 pm #1127935
Good for you for taking a step back. Also of COURSE he got extra sweet when you called him on something. It is called “love bombing.” Abusers and narcissists do this to catch their prey. No one just jumps into a controlling abusive relationship with someone. Instead abusers lure you in with fake futures (aka all the talk about a future where they feed you lines about exactly what you want) and love bombing. Then when hooked they start becoming more and more controlling and also start chipping away at your self esteem (no one will love you like I do, if you were not so stupid / ditsy / forgetful / dumb you would understand X or remember to do Y). They need you hooked on them and doubting yourself. When they then do something bad they follow it back up with love bombing. You always keep dreaming of the relationship being what it WAS or him being the person you know he is. What you don’t understand is the original relationship and version of him was a lie from the start.
Be very careful. There are literally billions of guys on this earth. You are in your 20s. Dating and relationships should be FUN not work. If it takes any work at the beginning, just move along.