Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

my mom is friends with my frenemy

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  • #862315 Reply
    avatarcdobbs
    Guest

    how would you guys feel if your mom was friends with your frenemy?…i was friends with someone for about 9 years….during that time she constantly threw shade at me in front of other people and criticised the way i did everything….i just got tired of the constant negativity and so i cut her out of my life and unfriended her on social media….but her and her husband are friends with my parents and my mom constantly sticks up for her (even though i told her about the verbal abuse)….now she is invited to my house for christmas eve with her husband and my mom even got her a nice christmas gift….would this bother anyone else? i know if someone treated my mom badly i would totally cut them out of my life….but i don’t want to control who my parents can be friends with….so am i being childish here?

    #862435 Reply
    avatarHazel
    Guest

    if your mother is inviting people to your house who she knows you don’t like, that seems unacceptable, but if it is in fact your mother’s house, and these are friends of your mother, then that really is up to her.I can see how it might irk but if it was me I’d try to take the high ground and be super nice to said frenemy.That way she can’t have any excuse to bad mouth you, and it will either make for a more enjoyable evening or drive her silently round the bend, depending on how bad she is.

    #862444 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    Wow. Yes, this would bother me. Is this a party or an intimate family Christmas Eve?

    #862505 Reply
    avatarcdobbs
    Guest

    actually my frenemy and her husband just started doing the pop in a few years ago….every christmas eve….they show up at some point in the late afternoon for drinks….my mom is friends with her on facebook so they have confirmed this year that they will be by….i’m thinking about going out for drinks with some coworkers and staying out till i know they have left so they can visit without any awkwardness 🙁

    #862511 Reply
    avatarOracle
    Guest

    Is this your house or your mother’s?

    #862512 Reply
    avatarHazel
    Guest

    wow so this is now every christmas eve- going out with other people might be a lot more fun for you, then, as sounds like you already know what it will be like. Hope you have a lovely evening with your actual friends.

    #862513 Reply
    avatarPDX816
    Guest

    While I think you have every right to be annoyed and maybe a little hurt, you should go to Christmas Eve and just play nice. You don’t need to make a big production out of it. How much drama are you adding to this situation and how much energy are you putting into it?

    I am going to a conference in the spring that I KNOW an ex-friend will be at, we had a terrible falling out because she said vicious nasty hateful things. I would be ok never seeing her again. But it was two years ago, I am a different person. I have let her hold on my life go, so the fact that she will be there, while unfortunate, won’t change my plans in the least.

    If your frenemy (childish word IMO) is still dictating your actions, you need to work through whatever is lingering.

    #862520 Reply
    avatarcdobbs
    Guest

    i’m just tired….i put up with the negativity for years and i just really want her gone and to never deal with her again….it is my parent’s home so i would never tell them who is allowed to come over….i rent the upstairs from them so i could technically hide out in the upstairs apartment….it’s not so much dealing with my ex friend during the visit so much as my mom has no issue with hanging out with someone who treated me bad

    #862521 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    I would maybe try to talk to your mom about this one more time. Tell her you feel uncomfortable and this makes you not want to be there.

    I think your idea to leave with coworkers is a good one.

    #862522 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    I would talk to her. It would bother me and maybe she doesn’t realize how bad it was?

    #862527 Reply
    avatarPDX816
    Guest

    I’m sorry, my mother has never had any regard for what matters to me if she feels different, so I didn’t pick up on that being the source of your pain. I remember when it still bothered me and how much pain it caused me to know my feelings were always secondary (at best, sometimes dead last). You have every right to tell your mom something along the lines of ‘It really hurts that you invite someone who causes me to much pain to a family event. She hurt me by doing _____ and to know you still have a relationship cuts deep. Can we talk about this?’

    You should absolutely advocate your feelings to your mom, it might not work, but you will feel better.

    #862531 Reply
    avatarcdobbs
    Guest

    Thanks guys….I think I will talk to my mom about this more….i never really told her it hurt me….worst case scenario i just go out with my coworkers to avoid the visit….Thanks for the advice hope you know it is appreciated

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