my mom is friends with my frenemy

[Essie]

I think in trying not to hurt your mother, trying not to cause a problem, etc – you’re hurting yourself. It’s really OK to speak up about these things. Just tell your mom that this person really hurt you, and you’d rather not see her on Christmas Eve. Tell her that you’re going to go out with friends. Maybe your mom can move the visit to another day, when you won’t be there.

[anonymousse]

I’m sure she would prioritize your feelings and her relationship with you over this person if she knew the truth and/or how much this hurt you. Just speak up. It’ll be awkward for a few minutes, and hopefully something good comes of it. Like she stops inviting her.

And seriously, WTF with this person befriending your mom?

[CurlyQue]

Was this woman your friend first, or your parent’s friend’s that you also befriended and then had a falling out with?

Either way i think you should make plans to be elsewhere just to keep yourself from feeling awkward or like you have to stay locked up in your apartment.

[cdobbs]

thanks all….my dad was friend’s with my ex friend’s husband first….we became friends because we both like to travel and started doing yearly trips together….but the more i hung out with her the meaner she got….putting me down in front of people….insulting everything about the way i look and act….i do have a problem speaking up for myself but i will make a point of talking to my mom so she knows it does bother me

[Skyblossom]

If your mom invites her over I’d not be there while she is there. Why ruin Christmas Eve for yourself.

Definitely talk to your mom. Does she realize how much you don’t want to be around this woman?

If she invite her over does she think that if you just spent a little time around her you would see that she is actually nice? Is this more of a setup to try to make you patch things up?

Were these people coming over to socialize with your parents before you knew them? If so then your parents have continued. That makes it more awkward to ask them to not come over because it affects the friendship between your dad and his friend.

When they visit don’t be around. Even if they are your parent’s friends you don’t have to act like they are your friends. Your parents get to invite their friends over and you get to not be there.

[cdobbs]

Thanks Skyblossom…..they were friends with my parents before me…..I’m going to find something else to do Christmas eve and let them visit with their friends

[allathian]

Being elsewhere sounds like a good plan. Also, your mom is not a mind-reader, so if you haven’t really talked about how her friend/your ex-friend makes you feel, she can’t know.

You should also give your mom the option of spending Christmas Eve with you, if she wants. But she can’t make that choice unless you tell her that she’s welcome to invite her friend over for Christmas Eve, but you won’t be there if your ex-friend comes over because she makes you feel uncomfortable.

That said, I can’t imagine ever being friends with one of my mom’s pals under any circumstances, nice people though they are. I get along with them just fine if we happen to meet, but I don’t have a personal relationship with any of them.

I must admit, though, that I’m very selective when it comes to friends. Too selective, perhaps… But I don’t currently have any male friends that I’d socialize with without my husband being present, nor do I currently have any friends who are more than ten years older or ten years younger than I am. YMMV.

[brise]

I agree with the other posts. Explain the situation to your parents and leave when they come. And whenever your mother speaks of this ex-friend again, tell her “Don’t speak to me of her, I don’t want to hear of her”. This will be crystal clear that you have nothing to do with this person. Don’t make it bigger than it is, but avoid this frenemy’s presence and be clear with your feelings.

[cdobbs]

Thanks for all the great advice guys…..hope you know it is appreciated….my plan is to talk to my mom and then make other plans to be away from my house when the ex friend and her husband are visiting.

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