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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

My mom is turning away our family for a holiday stay at home

Home Forums Advice & Chat My mom is turning away our family for a holiday stay at home

  • This topic has 47 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 1 month ago by ron.
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  • #1109870 Reply
    MillieMouse
    Guest

    I live at home with my mom. I am an adult but I don’t have the means for my own accommodation. I do help at home with bills and other stuff. I suppose I would be company and some security.

    Until recently I had a brother living at home. He too was also an adult. Similar situation to me. We have 2 others siblings abroad and he went to live and work in another country. The house was so quite since he left. One of the other two siblings wanted to come home on holidays this summer. He had a few things to work on. We knew he had plans for months that he was coming home and we were looking forward to him coming. We were preparing the room for him. The room that my other sibling had before he left.

    A new development happened over the past week with his plans. He rang mom. He had a nice idea and a plan to bring his child and partner home. We met his partner before and we also met the child when she was younger. His partner is a beautiful lady. My mom got on well with her before. She’s so down to earth.

    I came home from work and mom started talking to me about the phone call she had with my brother. Then she went talking to me and saying something like this:

    “Do you see what’s happening here….do you not see it now A…..Do you know what’s happening…..he was going to come alone….but she won’t let him now”.

    This was the general gist of what she was saying. She spoke with some resentment about his partner on this. I was trying to tell mom that, I don’t think that’s right….she’s a lovely lady….she would like to come and visit and spend time with us all.

    My mom started directing me into looking for alternative accommodation for them. We live in an older house and there is a corner of damp in the room but with some effort over the next month, I can help clean and paint and cut the grass. My brother knows what the house is like too and he’s happy for them to come too. Mom was getting me to look at alternative accommodation. She said that will pay for their accommodation.

    I learned over the weekend that alternative accommodation wasn’t available. The majority of summer homes and apartments and short term rentals were booked up already for the summer. I found that there was only a few dates here and there available and that wasn’t suitable. Due to the distance of living so far away in different countries there’s no point coming for a week or two. They wanted to come home for about 6 weeks. 6 weeks accommodation was impossible.

    I learned over the weekend that this was going to be an impossible situation. Mom spoke with resentment in her face at the very idea of my brother taking his partner and even child.

    We came into Sunday and my mom’s nerves and tension was sky high and she started fighting with me. Even though I was trying to help. She shouted so much at me and at first I was trying to keep calm and defend myself from what she was saying. She was brutal. Mom knew I was in touch with the family abroad and I was giving them the heads up that she wasn’t happy and she was worried about the house not being suitable. I informed them that we were looking for alternative accommodation but it’s hard.

    Over the course of Monday and Tuesday mom had more screaming matches with me. Now her resentment was on me. She also still had some resentment for the sister in law too. Mom was twisting everything I said too. I was telling her that this looks bad and that we have a spare room there and we need to talk to my brother to let him know that you are not happy to have them here. Mom was twisting my words and she was paranoid thinking I was talking about her to them. I wasn’t talking about her. I said mom is afraid of the house and room not being suitable. Mom was twisting everything saying that all I want to do is turn them away and she’s willing to help them and pay for accommodation for them and all I was doing was trying to destroy her relationship with her son.

    That’s not what I was doing. The man and his family were going to book tickets and step out of their lives for a few weeks to come home and give us the opportunity of a summer with their child – my niece/my mom’s grandchild. I thought we had to talk to them and tell them our concerns and also tell them that alternative accommodation is not available.

    At one point over the weekend, mom asked me to test Z (sister in law) and ask them to find an apartment in the city. I wasn’t going to this. That was just so bad and that wasn’t the appropriate point of action. It had to be done in a call to my brother and no other way. I wasn’t going to do that anyways.

    I started checking with an aunt and uncle about accommodation to see if they have their apartment free. There spare place was turned into work from home offices. I was asked to do this by my sister in law. In the morning I informed mom about me contacting the aunt and uncle and she was furious with me once more and started shouting again at me – saying some like –
    “How dare I do that behind her back without consulting with her first and without permission”. I told her that I was asked to it by the sister in law and that angered her some more because apparently I wasn’t keeping her in the loop. It was a new ask that came into me over night and I started on it without delay in the morning.

    It didn’t matter what I said or did, mom was furious with me. I left for work on Tuesday with a bag knowing that I won’t be home for the night. I needed a break. On Tuesday night my brother rang me and asked me what’s the issue and I informed him that mom is not happy with the house and she’s worried about the place not being suitable. I told him that I am willing to work on the house and get J (my partner that I don’t live with) to paint the room, cut the grass, buy a new cooker. He said he’s coming home and there’s a few weeks and you need to get to work.

    I don’t know if there was any calls made to mom since then.

    Then last night I got this message:
    ‘me and my family are not welcome at home….I have never been this ashamed and embarrassed in my life, I have no words….we wanted to do a nice thing and bring X (his child’s name) so you can spend time with her’.

    My heart is broken and I am utterly heartbroken with all of this. I don’t know how to fix this. I am breaking seeing my mom. She loves her son so much but to then turn around and do this? I don’t want to see this. I think they know it’s not me. The brother who went from home to live and work there said it at the weekend and he chatted to mom too. They know it’s not me turning them away.

    I don’t know how to fix this. Mom is also not talking to me and that is cutting hard on me. It’s brutal. What did I do but help her not only with this but with so much more. I never informed her of the message I got either because what’s the point? It’s just opening up another session screaming insults and abuse at me.

    Can I please get some advice please?

    Is this salvageable at all?

    They know this isn’t me turning them away by the way. They know it’s mom. I am finding this very, very, very hard to stomach right now.

    It must be very hard for my brother too out abroad. The fact is he knows there’s a spare room and it’s large enough for them all. The fact is I am at home and willing to put in the effort to make it happen.

    I don’t know what to say anymore to my own mother because anything that I say or do over the past week has never been right. She just pulls it all apart and critises it and delivers sarcastic comments and insults. I don’t even know if I can inform her of the recent messages.

    #1109871 Reply
    ron
    Guest

    You did over-step in going around your mother. It’s not your house. It’s not a good thing, but if your mom is determined to turn them away, that’s her choice and her right and her responsibility to explain to your brother and his family. Your SIL and you cannot negotiate their living arrangements. You are basically an adult guest in your mother’s home. If SIL and brother wanted to stay with your aunt, then it was their place to make the request, not yours. Your mother is being unreasonable, but she has a right to be angry with you.

    #1109873 Reply
    anonymousse
    Participant

    When I read this, this is what it sounded like to me:

    like you’re mother is really anxious, and was maybe venting to you

    like you did “go around behind her back” and speak to your aunt, your brother numerous times telling them what your mother was saying.

    Sometimes people blurt out their worries and fears to vent it out, not because they really can’t see how they can accommodate anyone, but because it’s part of their process with planning and executing things outside of their normal wheelhouse. I could, of course be completely wrong about how I’m reading this. I don’t think you should have done so much intervention. You should have stayed out of it as much as possible (esp. when she was expressing her frustration with your efforts) and let your mom be in charge of communication with him, if it’s her house and she’s the host.

    To me it does sound like you sort of scared them off and that’s why they called the trip off?

    #1109874 Reply
    MillieMouse
    Guest

    I really wasn’t trying to scare them off. They are on the other side of the planet wishing to come home and they know there is space there.

    My mom was getting me to check for alternative accommodation for them because she doesn’t know how to use the internet. I learned that alternative accommodation was going to be an impossible find. Alternative accommodation wasn’t viable. The accommodation wasn’t there for the dates and weeks that they were looking for. I found out that there was only a few dates here and there. Alternative accommodation wasn’t happening. Mom didn’t want to contact him about it. She wasn’t very happy.

    I wasn’t going to my brothers telling them everything. I said mam is worried about the house and we’re looking at alternative accommodation but no luck on the accommodation yet. As the days passed the tensions grew. Mom wasn’t happy to have them stay at home but she didn’t want to tell them. At one point she asked me to text the SIL to suggest that they find their own place in the city but I didn’t do thi as because that wasn’t the right action.

    I was ringing the brother earlier in the week to ask him to reassure mom that the room will be ok for them. That was as much as my communications were.

    SIL asked me to see if aunty and uncles place was available and I made contact with the aunty to see if it was available. I was doing what SIL asked of me and also it was an alternative accommodation too.

    I really wasn’t trying to turn them away or turn them off.

    I think maybe they read between the lines and now the brother and his family don’t feel welcome. They know there was a room and space there. He wanted to come home. He knows what the home is like. He was happy to bring his family here. He didn’t want alternative accommodation. He wanted home. He wanted us to spend time with his child and also the mother of his child.

    #1109875 Reply
    ktfran
    Participant

    The biggest mistake you made here is that you made yourself the go between. All you really needed to do was tell your mom that nothing was available to rent when she asked you to look. Then you should have left it up to her to decide what to do and correspond with your brother accordingly.

    I’m really not sure how you can fix it. In the future, don’t be a go between.

    #1109876 Reply
    PurpleStar
    Guest

    It seems that your mother was fine with just the son coming home. When told the daughter-in-law and child were coming is when she became upset. You don’t say how long it has been since this son has been home but by the comment; “Do you see what’s happening here….do you not see it now A…..Do you know what’s happening…..he was going to come alone….but she won’t let him now” it seems there is some prior tension between your mother and the daughter-in-law. Or some perceived slight on your mother’s part that has caused her to have resentment toward the DiL.

    Also, maybe she is embarrassed by the house/grounds when it comes to the daughter-in-law because they have not visited often. Or a station/status imbalance, cultural difference…something.

    You should really try and speak to your mother and understand her concerns about the visit.

    You did slightly overstep your bounds by communicating with your brother and various family members about housing arrangements. It may be that your relaying all of this to your brother is a part of what made him feel not welcomed.

    #1109877 Reply
    anonymousse
    Participant

    Yeah, it’s still pretty clear to me that what you were telling them, you shouldn’t have and it did scare them off. Call them and tell them to stay with you and fix up the room like you said you would. Talk to your mom and apologize. Apologize for what you said that turned your brother off and explain the situation to each of them. And then stay out of it and let them work it out.

    I mean what is someone supposed to do when their sister is telling them there are no other accommodations and you can’t stay here? It sounds like you were clearly telling them there was no where for them to stay. They had no other choice but to cancel.

    #1109880 Reply
    ron
    Guest

    “Call them and tell them to stay with you and fix up the room like you said you would”

    That is TOTALLY inappropriate. It’s not her house. She can’t just invite them to her mother’s house after her mother decided she wouldn’t allow them to stay there. For whatever reason, the Mother does NOT want the DIL and child to stay at her house.

    #1109881 Reply
    MillieMouse
    Guest

    I wasn’t telling them that they weren’t allowed to stay at home. I never said that. I said mom is worried about the house. We are looking for other accommodation but there’s none available. I can work on the spare room and it should be ok.

    He read between the lines that his family wasn’t welcome.

    #1109885 Reply
    LisforLeslie
    Guest

    I think you did everything possible to salvage this situation and I’d have done the same if I were in your shoes. I think you correctly interpreted your mom’s concerns with the state of the house and she didn’t want to be embarrassed in front of her DIL and grandchild.

    To salvage this I think the only thing that could be done would be to fix up the room (if there is damp, you really need to address that because mold is no joke and the house will rot) and tell your brother that he’s coming and tell your mom that your brother is coming, with his family. Tell your mom that her son wants to share his holiday with his entire family and he wants her to spend time with her grandchild. It’s a risky and bold move but it’s the only thing that could save this now. No amount of discussion or venting or negotiations is going to break this – you have to go bold.

    #1109886 Reply
    MillieMouse
    Guest

    Last weekend especially on Sunday, I realized that alternative accommodation was going to be hard to find. Tension and frustration grew in mom over Sunday. I was really trying to help her but I couldn’t.

    Monday before work was more shouting to me. Followed again on Monday night. Followed again by another episode on Tuesday morning.

    It didn’t matter what I said or did or tried to help – she pulled apart absolutely everything. She was rude and insulted me and said so many nasty things that had nothing to do with any of this.
    I had to seek respite from home in my work on Tuesday night from the shouting and abuse.

    This wasn’t the first time she was angry about a situation and redirected her anger to me. When another sibling was living at home, he was getting drunk and I suspect drugs some weekends and she wasn’t happy with his hangovers. She never said anything to him instead she always took her frustration out onto me and never in front of him either. They were days when I went to work without a breakfast and without packing a lunch due to her anger at me. I never encouraged him to drink or be like that but somehow she took it out on me.

    I suspect maybe this is similar. She’s angry about my brother taking his partner and child. My mom and his partner got on well before and she’s a lovely lady but somewhere a nerve was hit in mom.

    I never told my brother that he wasn’t allowed to stay. I wanted to tell him that mom wasn’t happy with it but I couldn’t tell him that. We do have some housing issues and some neglect of the grass and property but working on the spare room was doable. That’s all they wanted. A room. His partner is very down to earth and a lovely lady.

    He read between the lines and sent a message saying he’s not wanted at home.

    Mom doesn’t know of that message just yet and I don’t know how to say it to her. It’s just going to be more blame my way. We should have been working together on the spare room and house over the week not fighting.

    I don’t know how to fix this.

    He’s angry that he and his family were not welcome at home (they were welcome by me). They know this. This is gut wrenching for me. I haven’t been able to eat in days. I hate seeing this. This is going to break my mom’s heart too. She wanted him home. I think maybe she was embarrassed by the house. Started comparing it to her parents house where we visited before.

    The sister in law said in a message to me that he’s torn and wounded by this. She said she thinks maybe a call from mom to him is the best way forward and just talk it through.
    I don’t know if mom is at that point. I don’t know what to say to her.

    #1109887 Reply
    MillieMouse
    Guest

    I was in an impossible situation. I would have loved to see them home and I would have moved the earth for them. I was giving up my bed and my room to sleep on a chair for their stay. I was going to find a way to make it work.

    My really was not happy with my brothers announcement that he would like to take his child and her mother. He wanted us all to spend time together.

    Mom took her frustrations on the accommodations out on me.

    I never fully filled them in fully about my mom’s stance. I was telling them only really a half truth that she’s worried about the state of the place.

    Mom isn’t talking to me. When she was shouting her head off at me earlier in the week she referred to an estrangement between me and another sibling which is actually an entirely different thing and had no bearing in what we were going through. That other sibling alienated herself from others in the family too including our own mother so it wasn’t just me. Mom referred to that in such a disgusting way saying that I sent her away and I never did. I’m not responsible for someone else’s mental state. I never sent her away. Mom was so bitter to me saying – she was right about a few things and she was right about you. So mom was referring to that saying that all I want to do is destroy what she has between her and her son and send him away. I never wanted to send him away. Mom said that she was willing to pay for alternative accommodation (which was impossible to find by the way for the length of time that they wanted to stay). What were you willito do, she roared at me.

    This was very hard.
    My brother wanted to come home. He didn’t want to go into an AirBnBs here and there around the county.
    My mom doesn’t know to full situation yet and the recent messages that I got.
    She’s not talking to me. To be honest I am not happy approaching this with her because it will result in more abuse from her.

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