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Dear Wendy

“My Mother Refuses to Let Me Date Another Female”

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  • #728262 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Dear Wendy

    From a LW:

    I am 16 and in high school. I identify as bisexual and I have found love with a beautiful girl who loves me for me. She comforts me and keeps me happy. She is beautiful, kind, sweet, intelligent, and she loves me…
    The problem is my mother…
    My mother thinks because of past events that I have no idea who I am. She thinks that I am NOT bisexual and that I am straight. She refuses to let me go anywhere for the fear that there is a possibility that this girl will be there. I haven’t been able to see her or be with her because my mother is set on keeping us away from each other. I really love this girl, and she feels the same. We want to make this work, but I don’t know how… I want to be able to see her, hug her, kiss her, and just…love her, but I can’t do that when my mother is trying her best to keep me from someone I feel like was meant for me. My mother is actually the only thing keeping us apart and I don’t know how to convince her, that love is love, no matter the gender. She will not listen to me. My girlfriend’s mother is accepting of it and doesn’t mind. So that just leaves mine…please help..

    #728267 Reply

    OK. Well done for figuring out your sexuality, it takes courage and is part of discovering who you are. I’m sorry your mum isn’t the loving and supportive parent you needed ( on this matter, perhaps she’s a better parent on other matters?!). But here is a couple of links to a helpful site: ( read all but your bit is further down in the page)

    Right. You can’t make her accept this( she may change in time- talking years not days or months or she may never be able to confront this), but you can decide how much you want to hide or reveal to her from now on. Your mum has ultimate power ( food, money, roof over your head, education) over your life until you’re 18/21 and so it’s time to stop talking to her about it, until you’re free of needing her/them. This isn’t going back into the closet, but it is deciding whom in your life it is safe and good to share information about yourself. Unfortunately, you’re mom isn’t part of those people now. There are probably a lot of reasons as to why she feels this way( ranging from religious reasons to fear of how her daughter will be treated by others if it is known). I absolutely know that the way she is responding isn’t right or fair, but you have work within the circumstances you have.

    I don’t have an exact answer for what you do about your girlfriend. But I understand being in love for the first time. I wish you all the best.

    #728276 Reply

    I wonder if your mom is reacting less to your coming out and more to the way you are getting swept up in the idea of a grand romantic love story which may not last. Especially if you came out in conjunction with telling your mom you had a girlfriend, it may appear to her like you decided to be bisexual just to date this girl.

    Give her some time to adjust to the new information, and for your own sake cool it with casting you and your gf as star crossed lovers. High school relationships of any orientation making it post graduation are the exception, not the rule.

    #728349 Reply

    A lot of parents aren’t accepting, unfortunately. When you’re an adult, it doesn’t affect you as much. You date the person and then decide how to handle your parents. When you’re not, you are unfortunately somewhat restricted because parents can make rules about who you can see and where you can go.

    I’m not sure what past events you’re referring to, but your mom probably doesn’t believe your bi because she’s being homophobic. That’s a very common response from people like that. I’m sorry that she refuses to believe you.

    I don’t know that there’s much to solve in this particular situation. I don’t normally agree with lying, but I think in the future, you may find that not telling your mom you want to hang out with someone romantically and just let her think you’re friends might be good, until you are old enough to where she can’t control you.

    But in a few years, you’ll be an adult and you won’t have to answer to your mom about this stuff.

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