April 5, 2019 at 3:10 am #840040
Hi, let me give you some context. My mum and dad have been married for just over 20 years (and they are still married). But, about 2 years ago my mum moved out and then started seeing someone else, who she has now been with for over a year. I had known for a long time that she was seeing him before she decided to tell my brother and I about it. She probably told us after a few months of them dating. It then turns out that the person she is seeing is someone that she dated BEFORE she dumped him and started dating my dad all those years ago. It also turns out that my dad used to be his boss many many years ago, meaning my dad will know who he is. She is now living with her boyfriend, and my dad doesn’t know about it. My dad is no longer allowed to go to family events because my mum’s boyfriend will be there, so my mum makes ME come up with excuses that I have to tell my dad as to why he can’t come. I just have had enough. I am sick of lying to my dad just to protect my mum, but I also don’t want my mum to hate me if I tell my dad about her relationship. It is really affecting me and I don’t know what to do anymore.April 5, 2019 at 5:49 am #840047
Don’t tell your dad but tell your mom you’re done lying. She’s the adult, these are her choices. Tell her that this is her mess, she gets to clean it up.April 5, 2019 at 6:02 am #840048
I have tried to get her to tell him many times but she still won’t. I feel like maybe I need to just give up trying 🙁 It’s just hard because she tells my nan that I am pressuring her and then my nan rings me up, crying, telling me that I am being horrible.April 5, 2019 at 6:56 am #840051
Don’t get in the middle of your parents’ broken marriage. No lying for mom, no truth-telling to dad. Also, it seems virtually impossible that your dad doesn’t know about mom’s bf. It’s strange that your mother left, presumably for her new bf, and inherits the whole family.April 5, 2019 at 7:16 am #840053
I spoke to my brother about it, he’s 20, and he agrees with me but says that I shouldn’t tell dad about it because mum will never talk to me again.
They broke up because they were just falling out of love, they never kissed or hugged anymore and would always be arguing. We were having money issues and we lost our house so they were both stressed out. My mum also says that she was stressed out by my eating disorder which made my parents argue a lot, and so she said that also played a part. I wouldn’t want my parents to get back together, they aren’t suited for each other anymore, but I do just want this situation to be over because I want them to be able to move past all this. I love them both very much.
I just wish she would stop involving me in the situation.April 5, 2019 at 7:27 am #840056
Your last response changes my answer. It is nasty and very manipulative for your mother to blame you and your eating disorder for her stress and your parents’ breakup. Tell your dad and be thankful if your mom goes silent and stops using you as her punching bag. And know in your heart that your eating disorder was not the cause of any of this, although your eating problem likely was exacerbated or even caused by watching your parents marriage fall apart as they also lost the house. Your mom is not a nice person. I hope you are being treated for your eating disorder.April 5, 2019 at 7:54 am #840059
I really don’t think you want to be the messenger. If you think your dad will stop talking to you because of shit your mom is doing – then he’s just as awful as your mom (and she is awful).
Stop lying to your dad. If there is a family thing – and your mom tells you to lie to your dad say “Nope. I’m done doing your dirty work. This is your mess, I’m not responsible for your behavior.” Then walk away. Hang up the phone. Extract yourself from the situation.
If your Grandma calls you up crying – tell her “This is not my mess, this is her mess. If you want to call my dad and lie to him, that’s fine but I won’t lie to my dad anymore. If he asks me the truth, I’m going to tell him. I won’t go running to tell but I won’t keep lying.”
Think about it like this – if you were married and you found out that your partner’s family not only knew he was cheating on you, they also lied to your face about the cheating AND manipulated situations so that your partner could more easily cheat (“Oh, I need partners help to move a sofa -can I borrow partner for 3 hours?”) wouldn’t you be furious? That’s what your mom and nan are asking from you. They suck.April 5, 2019 at 8:04 am #840060
Next time your mom tells you to make up a lie? tell her she is a grown up and she will have to do it herself. If you dad ask why he is not invited? tell him to ask his cheating wife… I would just tell your dad everything because when finds out the truth, which he will, he will hate you just as much and now you will have 2 parents that hate you. Also if you where in this situation, wouldn’t you want to know the truth instead of being lied to by your own flesh and blood?April 5, 2019 at 9:18 am #840068
Oh, come on. If she doesn’t tell her dad, he’s not going to hate her unless he’s a total jerk. That’s not fair to say. I’m sure her father knows exactly how manipulative her mother is, and wouldn’t be surprised she pressured and guilted her kids into lying for her.
The next time your mother asks you to lie, tell her you are done lying and she need to tell your father the truth, or that you will. If she says she won’t ever talk to you again, tell her she’s a horrible, manipulative parent and you’re tired of being bullied by her. If your nan calls and tried to guilt trip you, tell her your mother shouldn’t be asking her kids to lie for her. It’s wrong and manipulative, and you won’t be her pawn anymore. If she continues, “Sorry Nan, gotta go. Bye!” And hang up. Rinse and repeat.
If it comes to you telling your father, tell him you’re so sorry you lied for her for so long. Good parents love and forgive. Good luck.April 5, 2019 at 9:41 am #840074
Do you live with your mom? Are you independent?
If you are dependent on your mom it is harder to create the distance you need. Even if you live with her you should tell her you won’t lie for her anymore. If she wants to lie that’s on her and she has to tell the lies herself.
If you don’t live with her I’d spend less time around her and each time she requests that you lie you should leave. Teach her that her demands are unreasonable and you are done with them. You don’t need to be rude, just refuse to lie and get yourself out of the immediate situation.
When your Nan calls tell her you refuse to lie for your mom. Tell her it is cruel to you to demand that you lie for her. She can tell her own lies or she can be honest.
Why is your mom lying? Is your dad financially supporting her and she wants his money but not him? Otherwise I don’t see why she doesn’t file for divorce.April 5, 2019 at 9:44 am #840077
LW, your mom is emotionally manipulative. I’m sorry you have to deal with her. Are you in school at all? Do you have a place to access counselling resources? Are you able to remove yourself from this toxic situation?
I don’t think you should tell your dad, but you can tell your mom you will stop being the messenger between her and your dad. It will be tough and she will probably lash out, but keep your cool, be firm, and remove yourself from the situation. Same with your nan.April 5, 2019 at 9:58 am #840078
Your mom has the emotional maturity of a shitty teenager. She doesn’t have to love your dad and doesn’t have to remain married to him, but its absolutely awful to be involving you in lying to your father, or running off to her own mother to get her to call and yell at you. Terrible people all of them. And your dad is awful too if he would really hate you for lying to him after the position you’ve been put in.
I hope you are able to get far away from these people soon. Go to college out of state or run away and join the circus… honestly anything would be better than staying around these people and their mess. I agree with posters above, tell your mom you’re done lying to her, your grandmother that she raised a crappy daughter and you don’t want to be third in line, and your dad that he needs to talk to his wife and not put you in the middle of his crap marriage. Then move out as soon as you can.