August 4, 2018 at 3:34 pm #783804musicmommaMember
I need advice. My obsese husband wants a divorce and hates me because I don’t “love” his body the way he is and because I’m not “attracted enough”, nor do we have enough sex. This is not the only reason for divorce, but a big one. We also have a child together fyi. He says I lied to him by making him believe I was attracted to his body. I started dating my husband 12 years ago when he was around 260lbs, he’s 5’11, and about 80lbs overweight. I was thin and in shape, about 125lbs, and a lot of people tell me I’m very attractive. I fell in love with him. He’s very handsome, even though he was technically severely obese. I loved him for who he was on the inside, he was unlike anyone I’d ever met. He was so funny, smart, kind, and had such a unique view of the world. We used to have a lot of sex in the beginning, and I was attracted to him, he has a very handsome face, but I didn’t love his big body though. His weight limited what we could do sexually. He was just too big to do certain positions, so sex became boring. He would always want to have sex, and would initiate quite more than I would. I never turned him down if he initiated though. He began to ask why I would never initiate sex? But I would brush it off. I never once told him that I thought he should lose weight, or that I would be more attracted to him if he lost weight which would of resulted in us having sex more often. Is it wrong that I was never honest with him? He says he can’t trust me anymore, and thinks that our whole relationship was a lie and that I robbed him of finding someone who could of loved him, and his body, for who he was. I honestly don’t know what to think.
He reached his biggest about a year before we married, at about 340lbs, very little sex happening at this point. But still if he engaged, I would still have sex with him. Because I loved him, and still enjoyed being close to him. But the sex itself was bland. So that’s why I never initiated. I just wasn’t turned on by him as much as I used to be. He lost almost 90 lbs over the next year though, and was looking great! He was about 250lbs, the lightest he’d been since I met him. But after we got married, he put on weight again and rose back to about 290lbs. Finally, after we’d been married for a few years, and after our son was born, he pressed the issue of our sex life, and the argument got heated to the point where he asked me “if I lost weight would we have more sex?” to which I finally admitted, “yes”. It broke his spirit when I admitted that I wasn’t attracted to his body. Now after several problems with our marriage, and just going through the motions for a few years, he asked for a divorce. And I don’t want to just end the marriage like that. We’re in counseling, and this weight and sex life issue came up in therapy recently. Which was a huge step back now that I’m being honest about it. What do I do? Am I a huge jerk? Have I been misleading him? Yes, I would love to have a great sex life, and a spouse I’m turned on by, and “horny” for. But its not a deal breaker for me, nor a reason to end the marriage. Especially since we have a child and we’re a family. What do I do? I need advice.August 4, 2018 at 3:58 pm #783806JDGuest
I mean I don’t think you were horrible because you weren’t trying to deceive him. You are happy without the sexual aspect being so prevelant and he isn’t. I do think that was clear early on based on what you say, so for that reason you did kind of mislead him. I’ve always liked fat boys and have always had awesome sex in many positions so I’m not sure why such issues. 260 for 5’11” isn’t small but it’s not as insane as you seem to make it out to be. It isn’t like he is bed bound. Not great but still. I mean, you shouldn’t marry someone you don’t want to have sex with. Continuing counseling sounds good but I get why he is so hurt. I couldn’t imagine finding out my spouse had never been attracted to me.August 4, 2018 at 4:31 pm #783811ronGuest
You don’t find him attractive and because of that you have less sex and don’t really enjoy sex and believe he is cheating you out of numerous positions. You mention your weight and how people think you are very attractive — this suggests that you believe you are out of his league. You should let him go.August 4, 2018 at 5:25 pm #783818juliecatharineMember
You mislead him and you did rob him of the chance to someone who wants to fuck him as-is. Why on earth would you marry someone you don’t want to have sex with? Why would you have a child with him? This relationship is broken and has been for a long time. I can’t imagine therapy is going to make him get over the fact that you’re not sexually attracted to him. Use your time in counseling to focus on how you’re going to co-parent together.August 4, 2018 at 7:08 pm #783845dinocerosParticipant
It probably was not a great idea to marry someone whose body you didn’t like and who you didn’t want to initiate sex with. Most people gain weight over time, so you sort of have to assume that when you marry someone at a certain weight, they will likely weigh more than that eventually. Still, people do it. You can’t go back and change that.
I think the main issue is that you seem to think it’s unacceptable that he wants a divorce. But he has a right to be with someone who loves him for who he is and is attracted to him. Lots of people like having sex and having physical chemistry with their spouse, and most of them are not going to sit around in a marriage where they don’t have that. It’s unreasonable for you to expect him to want to stay married to you if you see him the way you see him.
“But its not a deal breaker for me, nor a reason to end the marriage.”
Cool, but you’re not the only one in the marriage. It’s apparently a deal break for him and a reason for him to end the marriage. He doesn’t need your approval for that. If you regularly treat him with this sort of attitude like that your opinion matters more than his, then I think there’s probably more going on than just your feelings about his body.August 4, 2018 at 7:23 pm #783866anonymousseParticipant
“Is it wrong that I was never honest with him?”
Do you really think good relationships and marriages are built on deception? Come on!August 4, 2018 at 11:33 pm #783888OracleGuest
His weight is a problem. 350? Even at 6’4″ it’s absurded. Look, if he loved you he would keep his weight somewhat in line, not perfect but reasonable. Some people are just heavier. At that weight sex positions will be limited. This is in his control, it’s not cancer. Fine, tell him to go find someone else. Get the divorce. Have him go back to the dating scene. Bet he will lose the weight then.August 5, 2018 at 12:11 am #783893carolannMember
For his sake he should consult his doctor and see what he can do to trim down. I am not trying to “fat shame” and I am thicker than I was when I got married BUT there is a difference in being a little thick and being morbidly obese. There are all sort of health issues he could end up with (if he doesn’t have them already) and his life span will certainly be shortened. I had a friend pass away just a few months ago and her weight had a lot to do with her health issues. She was young and left a 16 year old daughter an orphan. (Her husband died four years earlier, part of the reason she stopped taking care of herself)
Have his levels checked (cortisol, dhea, testosterone etc) and see if he is out of balance and then start eating better together and walking or bike riding etc together. I’ll bet if he got in shape your attraction would come back. I don’t blame you. Being morbidly obese and breathing heavy is SO not sexy.August 5, 2018 at 1:29 am #783898JDGuest
Wow. I’m usually the bitch here but Oracle takes the cake tonight.August 5, 2018 at 6:06 am #783908juliecatharineMember
Oh please she isn’t concerned about his health. She met and married him this way. She’s not attracted to him, never was—that’s the problem.August 5, 2018 at 7:39 am #783910dinocerosParticipant
@JD, yeah, really. I don’t really understand people who are that offended by another person’s weight that they get this enraged about the mention of it.
Look, he didn’t write in an ask for anybody’s medical opinion. Considering he’s not a child, I don’t think the LW gets to unilaterally “have him” go get various medical tests. He’s a person who gets to decide if he wants to stay married to someone who isn’t attracted to him. The opinion seems to be that if random internet strangers think that he must not be sexy either, then he needs to just suck it up and deal with having a wife who isn’t into him. But that’s not how marriage works.August 5, 2018 at 8:15 am #783913FyodorGuest
” I was thin and in shape, about 125lbs, and a lot of people tell me I’m very attractive.”
Then go date those people.