Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

My obese husband wants a divorce b/c I don't "love" his body.

Home Forums Advice & Chat My obese husband wants a divorce b/c I don't "love" his body.

Viewing 12 posts - 25 through 36 (of 105 total)
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  • #784654 Reply

    “the sexual attraction part she did not deem as important as who he was on the inside. Can you say the same thing about him?”

    [insert bawdy humor here. Inside he he]

    In all seriousness, she went out with a 260lb man over a decade ago, she fell in love and they had lots of sex at that weight. She then agreed to marry this man after he went up 80lbs and then down 90lbs. He was 250lbs when she married him.

    Over the last several years he has gotten back to 290lbs. He is only about 30lbs heavier than he has really ever been from when they started to date.

    “I never once told him that I thought he should lose weight, or that I would be more attracted to him if he lost weight which would of resulted in us having sex more often”

    She hasn’t been honest with him. My intuition would take a completely wild guess that it has more to do with a fluctuation in her sex drive or even some control issues than a big man gaining more weight.

    He likely isn’t morbidly obese. But of course he probably does and will continue to have medical maladies related to being so overweight. I could understand if thinking about his health was stressful for her. But it’s all about why they should stick with the relationship that her husband doesn’t want to stay in anymore. The thing is she knew he was overweight the WHOLE TIME.

    If it came to a point where she wasn’t attracted to him anymore I guess she had to be honest. Not everyone can feel romantic with an obese person. But not everyone can have a good marriage without any sex or stay with a partner that no longer seems romantically invested in her funny, smart, kind, unique, somewhat heavier life partner.

    “I never once told him that I thought he should lose weight, or that I would be more attracted to him if he lost weight which would of resulted in us having sex more often”

    Maybe they just aren’t well-suited to continue being married to each other. It’s probably better for them to own it.

    #784660 Reply

    Please look up BMI chart for males. 290 for 5’11 is on the edge. And he’s more than 290, you think he’s going to tell her his true weight? I think she was trying to be kind to him when she should have been telling him to cut out the food and wise up.

    #784670 Reply

    “The counselor brought up the weight because it is the elephant in the room.”


    Seriously though, no one is saying that you have to like fat people. We’re saying that he, as a fat guy, is entitled to find someone attracted to him that enjoys physical intimacy with him. You are basically saying that fat people are obligated to be objects of disgust and stay with partners that aren’t attracted to them. It is stepping beyond their station for fat people or really, anyone unattractive to seek out happiness and validation in their romantic lives. He must forever live in a sexless marriage with someone who is disgusted by him. It’s what he deserves for being fat.

    #784678 Reply

    Obesity is frequently subdivided into categories:

    Class 1: BMI of 30 to < 35
    Class 2: BMI of 35 to < 40
    Class 3: BMI of 40 or higher. Class 3 obesity is sometimes categorized as “extreme” or “severe” obesity.


    You are correct his BMI is 40.4 , and he is right at the line for being morbidly obese.

    If the lbs were off, I would be more inclined to think the OP would fudge in her own favor, but her letter is very specific. Perhaps they’ve discussed his weight a lot.

    #784912 Reply

    Fyodor, can you please point out to me where I said that.

    #784921 Reply

    Fyodor, can you please point out to me where I said that.

    That’s all you have been saying. in. every.single.post. in this discussion. We’re just saying to you that some women like big men, and that is their preference. Just like some women like guys who are thin, tall, or have abs. Everyone is entitled to like what they like.

    The LW has been disingenuous the entire time she’s been in this relationship. At the moment, she realized that she was not OK with his weight she should have moved on from the relationship. She didn’t. She kept telling herself that she would be OK with his weight because he ‘had a handsome face’. She was not, and that is evidenced by the lack of sex in their marriage.

    We are saying that she needs to end the marriage so that they both can find someone they want to be with.

    #784925 Reply

    If you think he is telling her his true weight, well what can I say. He is not going to have the girls standing in line for him, whether you think that is fair or not.

    And this is a shitty thing to think, much less say. Weight does not determine if you get to be in a relationship.

    There are a lot of dudes who have amazing physiques and are ‘in-shape’ who can’t find a relationship. And there are plenty of ‘fat’ dudes who have all kinds of women.

    #784937 Reply
    Northern Star

    I wonder if Oracle would have the same opinion of a guy who married a fat girl even though he was pretty much disgusted by her body.

    #784946 Reply

    We should be careful when using BMI to discuss weight and obesity. BMI doesn’t take into account muscle mass vs fat mass. For example, JD’s husband may have a higher BMI but be healthy because he actually has a body fat % in the acceptable range. In his case, the muscle mass would contribute to his BMI and would wrongly indicate obesity.

    The fact of the matter here is that the LW was never attracted to her husband’s body, never told him, never mentioned how she missed certain sex positions (which suggests they also didn’t have good communication about their sex life in general), and wasn’t really turned on by him. That’s a lot of deception for him to find out about, coupled with the fact that he’s probably felt lonely and rejected for a while.

    LW- at the end of the day you don’t get to make unilateral decision in your marriage. Good on you that you don’t think it’s such a big deal and can stay through it all, but it’s really your husband that’s been hit with a lot of new information and needs to process and determine what’s best for him. Recognize your own role in this unhealthy dynamic.

    #784956 Reply

    I don’t think that “the inside is what matters” really helps the LW’s case either. I don’t know if he’s being condescended to because of his weight or just for no reason, but the idea that he’s not allow to want someone who wants to have sex with him is very dehumanizing. Being overweight doesn’t mean that you have just to settle and be grateful for whatever crumbs someone throws at you. It also doesn’t mean that if you say “I want a divorce” the other person gets to overrule you. There’s also this implication by some commenters that being in a relationship is always better than being alone.

    The idea that being alone is better than being with someone who you’re not happy with is not just reserved for thin people. I feel like the LW has been looking at this relationship as her doing him a favor by being with him and therefore thinks that she can choose not to divorce him because she’s in control. But it doesn’t work like that. He can not want to be with you, too.

    #785025 Reply

    I honestly don’t care about BMI as an obesity metric. Even if every single woman in the world considers him an object of revulsion. Even if not a single person would “line up for him. Even if as alleged he is also a gross fat liar who is even fatter that he claims to be. Even then, he is entitled to decide that he doesn’t want to be with someone who isn’t attracted to him.

    #785095 Reply

    Perhaps you an encourage to take walks with him everyday. They can gradually get longer. Then you should do the grocery shopping and there wouldn’t be any junk food in the house. Make his meals for him that are healthy and not too much. All of this would pay for him and you in the long run. If you just ‘dump’ him, he could get very depressed. ?

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