Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

My parents are on my husband's side

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This topic contains 27 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by avatar RedBlue 2 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #806708 Reply

    Hi, I have been married for 12 years and have 2 daughters. My husband has always been selfish and basically never cares or listens to what I or our daughters want or need. He is also really obsessed with money which makes it hard to live with him.
    He thinks I need to respect him and appreciate him more because he works full time. But he doesn’t respect me.
    I work part time as well as do basically everything for him and the kids. I sacrifice my life to take them places because he won’t do it.
    When he gets home from work he just sits on the couch and tells us to shut up if we try to talk to him because he’s trying to watch the news or sport or something. While I’m running around until midnight doing household chores etc.
    We had another argument last week because I couldn’t pick him up from the pub and take him to my daughter’s netball game. I ended up doing it because I was scared how he would react if I didn’t. Even so he went crazy, swearing and yelling at me in front of my daughter’s netball team (she’s only 8).
    He does this all the time – yells at me and calls me a bitch in front of my kids. I tell him to stop and I don’t argue back but it really upsets them.
    I try to talk to my parents about it because I don’t have anyone else and they side with him. My dad tells me he has a high pressure job and it is up to me to do all the housework and organising the kids because he works full time. I feel like I have no support and nobody to turn to.
    I would end it all right now if I didn’t have my daughters. They need me.

    #806709 Reply

    You need to start making an exit plan. Talk to a lawyer, save money, do whatever you need to do to prepare for a divorce. You’re afraid of your abusive husband and would kill yourself if not for your kids. It’s time to go, it doesn’t matter what your parents think.

    #806714 Reply

    “I try to talk to my parents about it because I don’t have anyone else and they side with him.”

    You are already alone. Think about what a relief it would be not to have to worry about his reactions, anymore. You really ought to talk to a therapist because it sounds as though you think you need your parents approval or permission. The fact that they don’t understand in NO WAY means nobody else ever will. You’re enough. You deserve a life where you aren’t walking on eggshells to accommodate your husband. I hope you get help.

    #806717 Reply

    The problem is not your parents’ opinion. They probably side with him – for while – because you probably chose as a husband someone as conservative as them. Do your husband behave somehow like your father did?
    Anyway, they perhaps try to do what they consider “the right thing” in defending your marriage, at least as a first reaction, as you have kids. But if they are good parents, they will eventually support you and help you, hopefully. It takes time to accept the failure of your child’s marriage. If they see that it went beyond the tolerable, and it went, they will understand you. The point is: you don’t neee their approval. You have to do what is important to protect yourself and your kids.

    What you say goes beyond doing chores. You have a husband problem not a parents problem. He screams at you, in front of your children and other people. He is abusive. This is totally inacceptable. You have to go. You have to block your salary coming on his account or your common account. You have to go to a lawyer and ask how to get the half of the family savings and alimony-child support in the transitory situation. And you have to find a place where to go with your kids. Ask associations for women victims of abuse. Ask your parents again. Explain them the situation. The more info you get, the better.
    Really, this is serious. The minute you start not being able to discuss the problem because you are frightened of his reactions is the non-return point.
    If he hadn’t reacted that way (requiring that you pick him up from the pub, really!, what a loser and domestic tyrant), I would have said to hire a cleaner if he can’t do any chores at all. But it is beyond repair in my opinion. He totally checked out and is verbally and emotionnally violent with you. Go away and protect your children and yourself from his negativity. This is NOT what a good husband is like, really. This is light years from a good marriage. This is what shows you that you have to go, as difficult as it is.
    And you will see: even if you don’t get – at once – the support of your parents, you will get support from other people: friends, siblings or other family members, colleagues, associations. This is a situation where people care because it is intolerable.

    #806727 Reply

    I wish it were that easy. I don’t have anything and can’t support myself and the kids.

    #806729 Reply

    Thank you. I just wanted someone to talk to and thought my parents would support me. I guess not.

    #806730 Reply

    Then you need to get a job, even weekends or online and start that process. There are ways out and you must find them before it gets worse or further hurts your children.

    #806731 Reply

    Thank you. I really need to talk to someone that understands. I thought my parents would be there for me. If any man did anything similar to my daughter’s I would totally be there for him. I just don’t really have anyone else close and lost a lot of my friends when we got together.
    I have escaped 2 physically abusive relationships in the past so I was just thankful he didn’t hit me. It wasn’t until I started reading more about his behaviour that I realised there is more than just physical abuse.
    I just don’t want to see my daughters hiding anymore. My youngest told me she feels sorry for me, because he is so mean to me. I don’t want them to see their mother being treated like that.
    I would rather be alone. I just don’t know how to do it myself.

    #806732 Reply

    I have a job already. It’s just that he owns everything – it’s all in his name and he claims the house is his because he’s the one who worked for it.

    #806733 Reply

    Oh and he won’t let me hire a cleaner. I asked him and he thinks I don’t work hardly at all so it’s my job and he’s not paying anyone to do it.

    #806734 Reply

    In community property states, even if it is in his name it will still be split. He would likely be forced to sell it and give you half or buy you out. He can “claim” whatever he wants, doesn’t make it reality.

    Also, just because he hasn’t been physically abusive yet doesn’t mean he won’t. Verbal abuse regularly escalates to physical.

    Hiring a cleaner should not be your concern, finding a full time job or any way to earn extra income, opening your own accounts, consulting an attorney are all things you need to do.

    #806735 Reply

    I’m not sure what country you’re in but please speak to a lawyer in secret. It’s not likely that you’re entitled to nothing simply because he works full time and you don’t—even if it’s in his name. Please talk to a lawyer and get advice. You’re being abused and your daughters are terrified in their own home. You say you would support them if a man hurt them—support them now by getting them out of there because a man IS hurting them.

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