Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

My parents are understandably upset and I could use some advice

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice My parents are understandably upset and I could use some advice

This topic contains 26 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by bittergaymark Bittergaymark 3 months, 1 week ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 27 total)
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  • #843245 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    Yeah. The pile on here surprised me, too. Especially as I doubt anybody that drives has truly never done similarly stupid shit while behind the wheel. Drinking coffee, eating, playing with the radio, fixing your fucking make-up, driving back to the office after a two martini lunch… I see this shit DAILY in LA.
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    LW, you will get through this. Just be sure to avoid any conflicts while incarcerated. Focus on you and your end goal. Your parents will come around. They need time. Give them that.

    #843248 Reply
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    Vathena

    Agree, @BGM – this could happen to anyone for a moment of stupidity. I totaled a friend’s car in college because I looked down to turn off the heat, which took a second longer in an unfamiliar vehicle. I was on a busy state road and a car had stopped next to a school bus – it was too late for me to do anything but slam on the brakes, and I plowed into the car. The driver of the other car was an old man with an oxygen tank. I think he was okay (he was conscious, and pissed at me) but don’t actually know how he ended up doing. I wish I’d had the opportunity to apologize. I had nightmares about how much worse it could have been, and the what ifs and guilt were so awful. I got a ticket for following too closely, but it’s not a crime to turn off the heater. To this day I’m a cautious driver, and I get panicky if someone else is driving and gets too close to another car at highway speeds. 18.5 years since accident…

    #843249 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    My thing with this is it’s basically the same as driving drunk or on drugs. Melissa took Driver’s Ed in the past year, and I’m sure they hammered on the dangers of texting and driving. She consciously chose to do it anyway, at a high enough speed to cause severe bodily injury. I don’t do that, do you all? Might I glance at a text or send a quick y/n reply with my foot on the brake? Yeah, at times, and I’m not proud of it. But no, I don’t do my makeup or text at speed, or drive drunk. Did I do dumb shit as a kid? Yes, but fortunately no one was ever hurt. And if I had? The only way to win back my parents’ trust would be to never do anything like that again. And it would take time. That doesn’t happen instantly, and sorry if that feels like a pile-on.

    #843250 Reply
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    Poppy
    Member

    What makes playing with the radio, applying makeup, eating/drinking, etc verse texting and driving is the statistics. People are more times likely not to pay attention to the road when texting verse doing all those mentioned above. Not disagreeing and if a person was to have an accident due to those their punishment should follow the same. Ive seen a person reading a book while driving. We are also a society that is glued to our phones. LW, your owning up to your misjudgment and serving time for the crime. Take this as an oppurtunity to be thankful that this is as bad as it got. It could have always been worse and its not. Count your blessings. This doesn’t make you a criminal and in fact it gives you an oppurtunity to share your storey/testimony to others. We learn from our own mistakes as well as others. You should also get a job and pay tour parents back any expensive you occurred for this. That shows maturity and respect.

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 1 week ago by avatar Poppy.
    • This reply was modified 3 months, 1 week ago by avatar Poppy.
    #843254 Reply
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    FYI

    “It’s really easy to say you’d treat your child exactly the same with no reaction but that is probably not true.”

    I didn’t say I’d have no reaction, but thanks for telling me what’s true and not true about my own life. I would 100% have compassion for my kid.

    #843255 Reply
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    Logan

    Hey shit happens, you had to learn the lesson the hard way and you learned it could have been a lot worse if death was involved.

    Your parents are just angry at the possibility that they could have lost their child, and the fact that their child will be serving a sentence away from home, its not easy being a parent. Things will get better with time, just give them the time to heal, and trust that they do love you with all their heart, they are just super angry ATM.

    #843258 Reply

    FYI, I wrote “probably not true.”

    I don’t personally care about your life as a parent, but I don’t think it’s helpful to tell her you’d be compassionate and hug your child. That this wouldn’t affect your love for your child- which insinuates their love for her has been affected. What is that supposed to inspire in this teenager three days before she goes to juvie? Anger that her parents aren’t being as physically affectionate as they used to be? Depression that her parents don’t love her the same anymore? This post isn’t about you and what you would do. You don’t have personal knowledge of what her parents are actually going through and the reality of their behavior. Most parents are probably not sharing all of nuances of their emotions and opinions to their child who just caused other people serious injury. They are most likely in a state of shock and terrified that their young daughter is going to juvie for three months.

    #843264 Reply
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    FYI

    What it’s supposed to inspire in this teenager is relief that her parents’ feelings for her are probably still loving, which she clearly doubts in her letter. She wants to know if their relationship will ever be the same (direct quote). I wasn’t making this post “about me” — I was trying to help her be less frightened.

    My goodness. Not helpful to tell her compassion is possible? O-kay.

    #843268 Reply

    You wrote that you would not do what she wrote her parents are doing. And then in your response to my comment (which wasn’t all about you) you said you’d 100% show compassion to your kid. You didn’t write that it was possible. You didn’t write anything about her parents, their behavior, their compassion.

    I don’t understand why you think what you’d do (the opposite of what her parents are doing) is helpful at all to show her compassion is possible. Your comments, to me, read like you’re saying her parents aren’t showing compassion.

    #843439 Reply
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    csp

    LW – I think what you can do is two things:

    1.) write a letter to your parents and apologize to them if you haven’t. Because you did put their lives and everything they build in jeopardy.
    2.) accept whatever rules they put in place when you get out. I am guessing they can’t let you drive on their insurance. Accept this with grace.
    3.) try to use your time in juvenile hall with as much ambition as you can. meaning, stay out of trouble. Spend time reading or prepping for senior year. Take full advantage of the resources available to you while there. Some places are better than others but take advantage of what you can.

    #843473 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    It takes time to show anyone that you’ve changed. It means that over time you keep making good decisions and doing the right thing. They will be watching to see what you do and as time goes by if you continue to do the right thing they will begin to see that you’ve changed. At your age people will see a change and say that you’ve matured.

    Changed means you never do this again. It means not just for the short term but for the long term. It means that you refuse to do other careless things even if your friends push you to do them. Time is the only way to prove you’ve changed. Your parents won’t be convinced in a day or a week or a month. Maybe not in a year. That’s just the reality of making a serious mistake. But, if you show that you are changed for a year and then another year and then another year they will see that you’ve changed.

    #843532 Reply
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    Melissa

    I just want to take a minute to give everyone a brief update. I’m not sure if I’ll have time to post again before I report to juvie tomorrow evening. So, I wanted to be sure to thank all of you who responded while I still have the opportunity.

    A couple of you suggested I write my parents a letter and I did just that. As a result, we ended up having a long talk last night that ended with them hugging me. 🙂 I’m not saying things are perfect now, but our relationship is definitely on the mend.

    Also, they promised that they’d visit me once a week while I’m away. That makes me feel a little better about things. I’m still nervous, since I’ve never been anywhere like juvie before and have no idea what to expect. But, I plan to be strong and deal with whatever lies ahead.

    Again, I just want to thank everyone for all the advice. I really do appreciate it. When I get out of juvie, I plan to talk to other people about the dangers of distracted driving, as some of you suggested. Hopefully, it’ll have some sort of impact. If nothing else, I think it’ll make me feel better knowing that I’m at least trying to get people to not make the same mistake.

    Well, I have to go now. Goodnight, everyone!

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