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Let down by In Laws

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This topic contains 22 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by avatar León 6 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #759113 Reply

    Hi Everyone.

    My partner and I were badly betrayed by her Mum, Step Dad and Brother and it has had a severe impact on the family.

    I did write everything that happened down, but it took over 10 pages and rather than resort you to that much detail, I’ll be incredibly brief.

    My girlfriend (30 at the time) and I (28 at the time) rented a property off her Mum and Step Dad with intentions of buying it off them once we saved enough. Under the condition we allowed her brother (25 at the time) to live with us until he got his own place. We were told her brother was a saint, despite having theft, alcohol and drug issues in the past.

    My girlfriend trusted her Mum when she said he no longer was involved in that bad behaviour, and I in turn trusted my girlfriend, so we went ahead. The brother took home £2500 after tax from his job, paid us £100 rent and a £50 monthly phone bill. he had plenty of money spare was meant to be saving to move out also.

    During the next two years, the brother stole any alcohol, any food and failed to pay rent as he spent it on drugs. he borrowed money and refused to pay it back. He showed no remorse, and whenever we tried to confront him he would get aggressive, threaten and become quite intimidating as he is of bigger build than us.

    We were promised by his Mum and Step Dad that if he acted out of line, he would be asked to find his own place.

    During the two years, the Mum and Step Dad ignored any cry for help from my girlfriend and I. The issues with the brother’s behaviour was having a strain on my relationship with my girlfriend, but her Mum and Step Dad didn’t care.

    We upheld every end of the deal, we paid rent, we let the parents use the house when they needed to, we let the brother stay. But we were let down at every possible turn by the Mum and Step Dad.

    It all came to a head at Christmas, when the Mum and Step Dad revealed they didn’t want to move the brother out at all. That they were stringing me and my girlfriend along (their words, not mine), intending on making us pay rent as long as possible without selling the property to us, and that they had never planned on moving the brother out.

    They simply used us to pay rent and keep a roof over the brothers head while they lived elsewhere, free of parenthood.

    They felt the brother’s behaviour didn’t warrant any discipline, so my girlfriend and I moved out after the brother and Step Dad threatened my girlfriend. Simply for no longer wanting to live with someone who stole from us, used us, threatened us, brought drug dealers to the house, etc etc etc etc etc. I really could go on and on.

    The brother ended up staying, but moved when he had the option of living somewhere cheaper. Thus angering his Mum and Step Dad who had destroyed their relationship with their daughter to defend his appalling behaviour.

    Since all of this, my girlfriend has made amends with her Mum, although the relationship is nowhere near what it was before this.

    I cannot forgive the Mum for what she did, nor will I (or my girlfriend) ever forgive the brother and step dad.

    I cannot forgive them for wasting 2 years of my life, and 2 years worth of rent, and most of all, for threatening my girlfriend, who is their daughter, step daughter and sister.

    5 months after we left, I received a text from the brother, simply taunting me for paying the rent, letting him live there for pennies, for allowing him to steal, along with many personal insults. I didn’t reply, as I thought that’d annoy him more than any response I could write. So he has shown absolutely no remorse for what he has done.

    There really is so much more I could write. The things the brother did whilst living there was beyond shocking. I’ve really tried to keep this brief.

    I just wanted to ask if there’s anyone out there who has also suffered betrayal like this? How do you move past it? I don’t want to forgive them (I’ve never received an apology anyway), I just want to forget all about them and move on.

    I feel slightly angry towards my partner for building bridges with her Mum. I know I shouldn’t, the fact she’s her Mum is enough reason for her to want to try and rebuild something, but I just feel a bit angry about it. Talking about it to my girlfriend only ends up in an argument.

    I feel angry towards their whole family, because they know what happened yet think they’re wonderful people. I don’t understand how? I know I shouldn’t expect the whole family to get involved, but if a member of my family did what they did to us to another member of my family, I certainly wouldn’t think highly of them.

    The brother is clearly a narcissistic sociopath, no guilt, doesn’t care that he’s torn the family apart for his sister, all so he could have a cheap life living off others whilst getting as coked up and drunk as he could.

    But after 6 months, my girlfriend thinks I should start moving on and not being as angry. But I can’t help it. I’m absolutely furious still.

    We were lied to and used for 2 years. Stolen from. Lived in an uncomfortable and miserable environment. My girlfriend was threatened for not enjoying that? I’ve never met such horrible people in my life.

    The fact they couldn’t care less that our relationship was suffering because of it is also very difficult to swallow. As we have been together for 11 years now.

    Any advice anyone?

    #759116 Reply

    I mean what they did was rude and shitty but ultimate bertayal? I think you are angry and therefore way over reacting. For sure limit your relationship with them and don’t trust them but this is not some life altering horrible betrayal. It’s just shitty and selfish.

    #759118 Reply

    Well, I think it’s shitty but I also think you are partly to blame for some of this stuff, too. If you have been with your gf for 11 years, I assume you knew at least some of the risks with housing her brother. And you both agreed to it, regardless. Why would you accept such low rent from him? That makes no sense to me. How was the house sale agreed upon? In writing?

    I fail to see how you wasted two years of your life. This was just a rental gone bad. You learned a lot of lessons. You were naive and too trusting. I wouldn’t forgive them either. I’m not saying it’s 100% your fault. It’s theirs, but surely you could have foreseen trouble, knowing her family for this long.

    It’s a crap situation, all around. How involved were you in the details and fine print in this deal? Assuming you will never leave this relationship, what would it take for you to be able to be around them again?

    #759119 Reply

    I don’t understand why you put up with this for two years. If you were saving up to *buy* the place why not just buy a place that didn’t in involve as much grief?

    This is little comfort now but don’t become financially enmeshed with family. No good will come from it.

    #759120 Reply

    I think that the question is, what do you want going forward? It is not productive to continue being angry but on the other hand of you decide to have these people in your life you will need to set strict boundaries.

    Since you are not married I think that you should have a conversation with your wife about what kind of boundaries you will have with her relatives. Do you have confidence that she’ll be able to hold them if your in laws try to involve you on some other scheme or otherwise go past the boundaries you want to set? If not, you may be better of cutting bait. I wouldnt want a partner whose toxic family was always crapping all over our lives.

    #759125 Reply

    Well, first of all, therapy.
    Second, like Fyodor says what do you want? You want an apology? You’re not getting one. You want them to change? They won’t. You want your GF to not care about her family? She won’t. You want to move on? Maybe, but you haven’t taken the right steps towards so. So, you have chosen to stay angry.
    If you decide to move on, you need to have a discussion with your partner about what’s next. Preferablly with the help of a mediator like a therapist. But first, decide what you want because your anger and resentment not only for your in laws, but towards your GF right now are grounds for a break up.

    #759129 Reply

    Here’s the thing, although gf’s family was using you to rent their house, you made choices to accept the situation. You say you knew there were red flags, but you DECIDED to try it out anyway. And when there were signs that your gf’s family was NOT going to behave as promised, you DECIDED to continue on. So first, take responsibility for what you did to prolong the situation and then ask yourself WHY did you make those choices? Was it only because you wanted to please gf? Why did gf? Is your gf a people pleaser or does her family bring out her most passive qualities? Did you feel as if all of it was a favor? Was the house really worth that? If it was, why didn’t you guys get everything formalized?

    You can’t change the past or your gf’s family. So, reframe the situation in your head: You were attempting to help your girlfriend’s family out, because (reasons you’ve figure out above). You did all you could to do so, you no longer think (reasons) justify the actions/trust, and you won’t do it again. Then let it go. Instead of focusing on betrayal, you received some valuable information about your gf’s family that you now get to use in any future interactions! That’s great! You’re less likely to be screwed over again!

    Also, you know how you said you had 10 pages but you have a couple paragraphs here? As time moves on, keep writing the story down with fewer and fewer details, and then when it’s like a paragraph, burn it.

    #759147 Reply

    No doubt these are terrible people—total users who you should never, ever trust again. They held out a (fake) carrot and you are shit for two years. That sucks. Letting go of that isn’t easy but the longer you spend being pissed off the more energy you waste on their bullshit.

    Your girlfriend has chosen to let her mom back in her life…given how quickly that happened I think it’s just a matter of time before the other two follow. Clearly these guys are a package deal. Your boundaries don’t have to be the same as your girlfriend’s but you should think long and hard about how that’s going to play out over time.

    #759148 Reply

    *ate shit not are shit

    #759154 Reply

    Your very mad now, but why didn’t you do something when it was going on? I’m not saying fight her brother but all the time he lived there doing drugs, stealing etc and you never stood up to him, called him out, or packed his crap and moved him out? Stand up for yourself when it’s happening, now you need to let it go. It was a betrayal but it was your gf’s tragedy her family betrayed her. Move on, Never trust them again and watch out for your gf they know she is an easy target.

    #759157 Reply

    I think you are more than slightly angry at your gf. It’s easier and safer to feel anger towards everyone else. She forgave them too quickly in your opinion. This has likely taken any sort of apology off the table and this is unresolved with you.

    If you can, you should see a counselor or therapist. This type of anger and feeling of betrayal will eat away at your relationship if you can’t figure out how to let it go. Forget? No. Forgiveness can be hard to give. But you need to figure out what you need to move on from this. Can your relationship relationship recover? Only you can determine that.

    #759158 Reply

    You now know that your girlfriends relatives are lairs, cheats, will threaten violence, and at least one brings drug dealers around and has a record, while other said relatives enable him. Be glad there are no children that you have with her. I think there are only two paths here. One, move far, far away or run for the hills. It’s telling that your gf has “made amends” with her mother. The others will not be close behind. The brother keeps bad company. Are you waiting around for him to send someone around to hurt you? Really you need to MOA.

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