Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

My Partner loves his dog more than me.

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  • #1090428 Reply
    Rita
    Guest

    So my partner and I are engaged and living together and he has a dog. I’ve never owned a pet so it took me a while to get used to. Over the course of our relationship we have had arguments over the dog – whether she can sleep in the bed or not.

    My partner has issues with me controlling things and making decisions on my own so the other day I told him that I was feeling a bit crabby/PMSing and if it is ok that the dog can sleep on her own bed some days. He agreed.

    Last night, as we were getting into bed the dog started barking and it annoyed me so I decided to put her in her own bed. My partner was in the toilet at that time. When he came out he asked me why the dog was in her bed and I said that she was annoying me. He started to get angry with me because I was yet again controlling the situation and making decisions on my own. However, from my point of view, I discussed it with him a couple of days before. But now I realise he wanted to discuss it every night that I want her out the bed.

    As a result of this, I have not only found that he loves his dog more than me but that he would rather sleep with the dog in bed than with me. Yesterday after our argument, he decided to sleep on the couch which I thought was unnecessary.

    I also asked him, that when I’m pregnant and have my mood swings because of hormones will he leave my alone/by myself then too? And he answered with probably.

    Now I don’t feel comfortable with this. So when I need his help when I’m pregnant and I’m being horrible because of my hormones, he won’t help me?

    What should I do? Is it worth staying in this relationship?

    #1090433 Reply
    PassingThrough
    Guest

    Why would stay in it?
    He’s making this easy for you. He’s letting you know how he’d behave. Better to know this now than after you get pregnant.

    If this is how he reacts to such a low-stakes disagreement, I can’t imagine that he handles serious issues well.

    #1090435 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Keymaster

    He’s showing you what your value is to him and the importance he places on your feelings and your comfort. Believe what he’s showing you and act accordingly (which, yes, may mean cutting your losses and moving on).

    #1090439 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    It’s disconcerting that you’re talking about “when I’m pregnant,” like you’ve made up your mind to raise children with this guy. If you’re fighting like this over a *pet*, think how it’s going to be with a kid. And just generally, don’t marry someone who thinks you’re controlling and goes off to sleep on the couch. You two aren’t a good match.

    #1090440 Reply
    Bittergaymark
    Guest

    Honestly? You are being a brat about his dog and trying to make his dislike about this into some big power control on his part.

    Whatever. All I see is yet another human who treats animals like fucking shit.

    Everything is just a handy excuse for you to excuse your own miserable behaviour. Hell… You’re not even pregnant — thank fucking God! —- yet already you are whining and carrying on so about he he will never let you use the old hormones excuse to be a difficult twit.

    Christ. No wonder he’d rather be on the sofa with a real friend.

    #1090441 Reply
    Lucidity
    Guest

    It sounds like you’re both overreacting here, and, as others have said, not a great match.

    “As a result of this, I have not only found that he loves his dog more than me but that he would rather sleep with the dog in bed than with me.“

    Did he say these things outright, or did you jump to these conclusions after what happened last night? It strikes me as a bit of a dramatic thing to say. I also think you’re setting yourself up for failure if you position yourself as competing with the dog for your boyfriend’s affections. He’s capable of loving you both, in different ways.

    “So when I need his help when I’m pregnant and I’m being horrible because of my hormones, he won’t help me?”

    Yeah, hormones (from PMS or pregnancy) aren’t an excuse to be “horrible.” They can make you feel awful and not yourself, but as an adult, you have a responsibility to pay attention to your emotions and how they’re affecting your mindset and your behaviour, and find ways to manage them that don’t involve taking them out on other people.

    You and this dude don’t sound like a good match, but if you insist on getting pregnant by him, I think you should first work on developing a toolkit of coping mechanisms for when you’re feeling irritable, either in therapy or through research and self-reflection.

    #1090444 Reply
    TheLadyE
    Guest

    1000000% agree with Mark. This is a fundamental mismatch for several reasons, not the least of which is that he is a dog/pet person and LW seems to be not at all. All I saw sticking out at me was “the dog” “the dog” “the dog”, written in such disgust. If you’re ENGAGED to someone and have that much animosity and jealousy over their beloved pet who has slept in the bed with them long before you got there…it’s not gonna work out.

    I am a dog person. My two little dogs have slept in the bed with me every night since they came home. If my boyfriend wanted them to sleep in their bed on the floor, it would also be something we’d have to discuss every time he wanted that. It’s their bed just as much as it is mine.

    I think this guy was absolutely in the right to sleep on the couch and he knows deep down it’s not going to work out. Cut your losses and find someone who doesn’t have pets, clearly. Let him find someone who loves his dog too.

    #1090445 Reply
    Hazel
    Participant

    I’d say find someone without a previous commitment you can’t deal with. It’s fine not to want to sleep with a dog in your bed, but in that case you should’t get together with someone whose companion is used to sleeping in the bed and just expect that to change.Did you not know he was like this? I came to my partnership with a cat who slept in the bed and I was upfront right off that this was non negotiable, the cat had been with me for seven years and we’d been through a lot together and were close.And that the dog would be at my side of the bed on the floor, if that was where he wanted to be.(partner was fine with it) Your fiancee should have made it clear at the beginning. It sounds like you got engaged before you found out what each other was like, wouldn’t hurt to take a step back and see where you are a few months down the line.

    #1090446 Reply
    Fyodor
    Guest

    Do you guys have a lot of other fights? How do you handle other kinds of conflict? How are the other aspects of your relationship?

    #1090447 Reply
    Copa
    Participant

    So I got the impression this is about more than just the dog…? LW says her fiance doesn’t like that LW controls things/makes unilateral decisions. So, I mean, ARE you this way LW? You don’t refute it but you also don’t give any other examples. I assumed there are bigger issues at play than just a dog in the bed. (And if this is not objectively true, it’s problematic that he thinks this about you.) And yes, the comments about how you’re essentially planning to be horrible during pregnancy are odd. You don’t sound compatible or like good partners to one another.

    I love my dog and we’re probably weirdly attached to each other. I got him as a puppy before I met my now-boyfriend, so he used to sleep in my bed with me. When the boyfriend used to sleep over at my place, he didn’t complain about the dog in my bed. When we moved in together last fall, he said it was uncomfortable for him for a permanent sleeping arrangement. The dog now sleeps in his own bed. We got there without any drama.

    #1090448 Reply
    Tui
    Participant

    If I was your partner, I’d be most upset you didn’t wait a few minutes for me to get out of the bathroom then say you’d like the dog to sleep elsewhere. It sounds like you did it to punish both of them because you were feeling annoyed.
    The relationship doesn’t sound functional for either of you, so please don’t get pregnant as I think you’d use that as a weapon try and to bully him into giving up the dog. Hormones can make you more irritable and less able to deal with stress, but they’re no excuse to treat people badly and then be upset they don’t want to deal with you.

    #1090449 Reply
    Tui
    Participant

    If I was your partner, I’d be most upset you didn’t wait a few minutes for me to get out of the bathroom then say you’d like the dog to sleep elsewhere. It sounds like you did it to punish both of them because you were feeling annoyed.
    The relationship doesn’t sound functional for either of you, so please don’t get pregnant as I think you’d use that as a weapon try and to bully him into giving up the dog. Hormones can make you more irritable and less able to deal with stress, but they’re no excuse to treat people badly and then be upset they choose to avoid you.

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