June 8, 2021 at 3:59 pm #1090450TuiParticipant
sorry all, didn’t mean to post twice!June 8, 2021 at 4:10 pm #1090455
Yes, this is how he’s going to treat you in your relationship. He’s going to be defensive, call you controlling and sleep on the couch when he doesn’t get his way. Please believe him when he’s telling you what he wants is more important to him than how you feel.
That he doesn’t like when she is “Making decisions on my own,” does not sound like she controls their relationship, it sounds like he does. For example, he told her its fine if the dog sleeps on the dogbed sometimes and then throws a tantrum that she made a incredibly small decision about that on her own. He sounds like a controlling asshole.
She didn’t grow up with pets and doesn’t want to sleep with his dog sometimes. I don’t think that makes her a monster. I think that makes them incompatible.June 8, 2021 at 5:44 pm #1090459ronGuest
MOA. You’re just wasting your time in a relationship with no chance of working. The two of you aren’t a good match and I wouldn’t expect either of you to willingly change enough to make this a long-term successful match. Expecting someone to turn into a significantly different person, so that you can have the mate and relationship you want is just wishful thinking, that virtually never happens.June 8, 2021 at 6:58 pm #1090462Karebear1813Participant
Maybe LW’s fiancé needed to go sleep on the couch because he needed some time to reflect about his engagement since clearly LW doesn’t like his dog and thinks she in a competition with it.
LW – if you think he loves his dog more than you, it’s time for you to move on.
Also, if the dog’s bark annoyed you, why didn’t you just tell him to be quiet while on the bed? I don’t get why you sent him to his dog bed and as a form of punishment?
If your fiancés dog could talk, he would probably tell your fiancé to run!June 8, 2021 at 11:14 pm #1090468BittergaymarkGuest
No worries, Tui! It’s easy to make that mistake. 🙂June 9, 2021 at 3:59 am #1090472RitaGuest
I think what annoyed me and caused the argument to go further was that I followed his instruction but he was annoyed that I was letting the dog in the bed first and then putting her in her own bed.
I understand now that it gives mixed signals to the dog.
The dog and I get along great. It’s true I’ve never dealt with pets before and sometimes I get a bit crabby when I need my space but I really like my partner’s dog.
The reason why I get annoyed sometimes is that the dog really loves me and as a result sleeps on my legs, near me etc and that causes an issue when I need some space in bed.
My partner has said that in his previous relationship the dog on the bed was never an issue because the dog always slept on his legs near him and never wanted to sleep near his ex.
When I start PMSing I don’t think clearly and I understand I need to find a way to fix that and not let it get the better of me.
The dog issue is resolved now but some things my partner said during our arguments after hurt me.
Essentially he was annoyed that he had to make me a cup of tea and I told him that I made the whole dinner and he said “all you did was boil some vegetables” (I made a whole roast dinner after working 8 hours).
He also called me selfish today for not making him coffee this morning even though it is his day (we have divided up days) to make it. He said he was sore from the gym – but I also went to the gym too. So why does that make me selfish? I also had a meeting in 5 minutes when he asked me whereas he was free.
I don’t want to start going down the ‘well i did this and this’ route with him so I want to find a way to resolve that.June 9, 2021 at 5:43 am #1090475
To be honest, he sounds like a bit of a selfish jerk that expects you to cater to his needs. I would really think about what you think would fix his temperament to not be that way. This is who he is and how he behaves. If you don’t like how he is and how he treats you, this is not the guy to marry and have babies with. Maybe you could try premarital/couples counseling?June 9, 2021 at 7:51 am #1090478KateKeymaster
Your relationship is not healthy and your partner is an ass to you. There’s an imbalance here. There’s resentment. Theres a belittling of what you do. There are attacks on your character (selfish). There’s a feeling on his part that you’re trying to control him, and/or he’s trying to control you by saying things like that about you. Things like who makes coffee and tea or where the dog sleeps seem like small issues, but they are red flags of a deeper, unhealthy dynamic. A healthy relationship is a give and take that feels natural and supportive. One person does more of certain things at certain times depending on what’s going on, and vice versa. I used to make the coffee because I got out of bed first. Now I can relax in bed a bit longer and my husband makes the coffee because he gets up first. He makes me tea at night. I make him green smoothies during the day. If either of us felt we needed more help, we’d ask for it and have a conversation. It would not feel adversarial.
These are not little things you can fix. There’s a bigger underlying problem and it would be foolish to get pregnant or married. Maybe consider some kind of hormonal birth control to get your menstrual symptoms under control. Counseling to address the resentment and frustration and anger. But I just don’t think this is working.June 9, 2021 at 8:30 am #1090479
I agree with Kate completely that this is just not how things sound when you’re in a healthy relationship where you actually communicate honest and openly.
And also, he chose to put you down when he didn’t make his own damn coffee. That is really shitty.
He gets annoyed if you don’t obey his instructions in the ways he specifically wants you to, but that he hasn’t even told you.
He’s just not a nice supportive guy to you. Your relationship should be about both of you, not just what he wants.June 9, 2021 at 8:59 am #1090480CopaParticipant
“The reason why I get annoyed sometimes is that the dog really loves me and as a result sleeps on my legs, near me etc and that causes an issue when I need some space in bed.”
So, this was my boyfriend’s issue with my dog. I’m a bad sleeper, I toss and turn. He sleeps like a vampire, so the dog would always sleep on or up against his legs, but my boyfriend was uncomfortable at night/his sleep was disrupted with a nearly 40lb fluffball in his space. He told me, and I was a bit sad to give the dog the boot at night, but I understood and it was fine. It wasn’t and never became a point of resentment, but for you, the dog issue sounds like the tip of the iceberg.
With more context, I think your boyfriend sounds like a jerk. Equal in partnerships doesn’t always look like 50/50 but you guys both seem to be keeping score. Couples counseling really does seem like the only potential solution here, but yes, it doesn’t sound like this is going to work.
June 10, 2021 at 1:27 pm #1090543HazelParticipant
- This reply was modified 1 week, 1 day ago by Copa.
Okay given more info he sounds like an idiot. My dog also slept against my legs when I slept alone but was also perfectly happy at my side of the bed as he had his own cushions and I could drape my arm over and keep him feeling close that way.Dogs can be intrusive in a sleep space and are persuadable to reason as long as their feelings are respected which it seems you are doing.(Cat was different and thus non negotiable.)
But your partner sounds like an entitled arse with his selfish demands, almost as if it gratifies him to get you to do some task you don’t want to (the tea, coffee) when you have every reason to expect him to do it his damn self. If he doesn’t mend his ways I’d consider moving on, that sort of nonsense will only get worse if you don’t resolve it now.