Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

My partners dad wants to be with us all the time

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  • This topic has 7 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 2 weeks, 1 day ago by avatarsonofabass.
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  • #1032190 Reply

    Here’s a little bit of background story – my boyfriend and I met in NZ and I got pregnant really quickly (6 weeks after we got together) but we were already living together (by chance) so I was panicked but he was great about and we were happy together. We decided it would be fine to stay in NZ but when I was pregnant he went home to visit his mum in France and when there on holiday she died suddenly. It was an awful shock and I really felt sad for him so I hopped on a plane the next day. I didn’t want him to worry about coming back to NZ because of me either as I was 6months pregnant. So we stayed for a month with his step dad who raised him from a young age but he was on his own now and we felt bad for him. He asked me (my partner) if I would consider moving to France. I felt obliged and he told me our lives would be better as he would start his own restaurant. He planned to have more family time and said I wouldn’t need to work etc. We agreed to move there permanently and be closer to family. I agreed NZ was a bit far away from my mum too so it was a joint decision albeit a rushed one. We got back to France with all r belongings and I ended up having the baby at Christmas so in hospital for that but I was overjoyed with my baby. After a week or so I was able to go home and soon after, my partner started renovating the house for our own section (old mansion in disrepair) so I was left on my own most of the time with baby. Every lunch and dinner was with his dad who didn’t speak any English and then he would come to bed. We didn’t have much time at all alone apart from the. And I started to get depressed. Everything seemed to involve hi dad and we never did anything together because we had to be there lunch and dinner. It was depressing and I ended up going on mild antidepressants. I felt there was no escape. Anyway, I’d began to feel better after a while but then his dad met a new woman. She was a gold digger of the worst kind. Even knew his mum from before and this only 6 months after she died. She moved herself in immediately and we ended up pushed out. Even after all the renovation work he did. We bought a house in a village near work (the restaurant) and started renovating again. His biological dad (who we hardly seen much) helped us a lot with that. He lent us some money for roof repairs and did plumbing and tiling. He was there most days and ate with us. Once it was finished we moved in and that was pure bliss. I was free! We were finally able to live r own lives. Problem was, he ended up working 12-14 hour days and I was on my own again. I started drinking wine every night to cope with the loneliness but I started a blog and that kept me sane. I didn’t want to go back on antidepressants and soon I got pregnant again. When I had the baby the depression started to slip back a bit, I felt all hormonal – anger, frustration etc. So it was difficult with 2 under 3 alone but I got through it with pure love for them and obviously great times too. So they are in Creche and school now. We bought another restaurant in the village as it was time for me to go back to work and learn French. I had very basic French but it was stopping me from making friends. My partners biological dad bought a house up the road and helped up with money to buy the restaurant. We could pay him back like a mortgage so that was great. When viewing the house my partner was approached by the lady who owned the adjoining house to his dads. Both needed a renovation (large scale) but his dad just wanted a project and he had another house so he was fine to have it as a holiday home and take his time (he’s 70) The woman asked my partner if he would be keen to but the adjoining house for a knock down price. He had a look and was sold on it. Before I even seen it he was talking me into buying it. It was great but needed so much work I was unsure. Anyway we bought it by putting a deposit down and he told me once we sold r house it would be practically paid for. We sold r house quickly for a knock down price as we needed to buy the new one. However, the restaurant needed work to make the upstairs ready to live in as we still had the renovation of new house. Also, we had to pay roof repairs and renovate the bar. Quickly we had spent our house money (wasn’t fully paid back on the mortgage) and decided we would get a mortgage for the new place. We never thought that would be a problem as we own 2 businesses at this point. Although that deposit had to be added to to hold the house so we put an extra amount down -she was waiting for us to sell r house anyway. The mortgage never went thru so we were stuck. In the end his dad offered to loan us the money and we pay him back via rent. Therefore the house would be left to my partner when he dies but we pay rent to him as a mortgage would be paid monthly. Moving on, we have been renovating like crazy as the resto has been closed for a few months so we have been using his dads kitchen to eat and work there. His dad has been there a lot but only for a few days at a time then goes to his other house for a couple or few days. This was all ok except I was starting to feel like we’re all kind of living together then. I was reassured that it would all be different when we move in. We have r own space and won’t b expected to always eat together etc. like it was with his step dad. His bio dad has been a single bachelor for 25 years or so. He had his own independence so I wasn’t worried. Now we have had our own kitchen fitted and r living room is done but his dad seems to be there ALL the time now. He’s there for lunch and dinner, apéros, evening tv. I’m struggling mentally as he dominates conversation, even talks over me as he doesn’t speak English and I feel left out to be honest. I don’t know what to do, I feel like I’m back in that old routine that made me depressed the last time. What can I do? Please help!

    #1032209 Reply

    All you can do is ask your partner to talk to his dad and tell him that you two need alone time. It doesn’t sound like your partner is very supportive, unfortunately, but he needs to step up for you.

    #1032211 Reply

    Stop waiting for your turn and speak up about what you need! I’m not sure why you just…fell into this huge commitment and lifestyle so quickly, but you’ve got to stop letting things happen to you (that’s the way you told the story, very passively) and actually choose your path with your own interests in mind sometimes.

    You need to speak up to your boyfriend and tell him what you require to be happier- space from his father, some help with the kids occasionally, no dads living with you. Although, good luck with that. Since you are now in debt to him for a house, he probably has quite a lot to say about what happens at the house he owns….

    #1032212 Reply

    Yeah, when I read this too I was thinking, did you ever make a decision of your own? This is a whole series of things that just happened to you and you went along with. And your partner doesn’t sound like a stable guy at all, jumping from thing to thing all the time and being reckless with money. Are you even in love with him? Or is he just a guy you got too involved with too quickly and you’ve been going along with him ever since? Like what is really even happening here? Anyway, yeah, speak up and ask him to set boundaries, but that doesn’t work so well when you’re completely dependent on someone and have no life of your own or way to leave. You’ve passively gone along with everything he wants up until now, so unfortunately you don’t have much credibility here. A guy needs to take you seriously because he knows if you’re not happy you won’t stick around. Like people said, try being crystal clear about what you want, but also be aware you’re in a really unbalanced relationship and apparently have little say in anything.

    #1032229 Reply

    Wow, I just saw that you are also the person who wrote in to Wendy about the employee who kisses and sits on your bf.

    You need to start standing up for yourself, or he will continue all of these behaviors you don’t like. As Kate said, you’re completely dependent upon someone who doesn’t treat you with respect. Could you even leave him if you wanted to? There are huge issues in your relationship because instead of taking time to get to know each other, you just threw caution to the wind. What about what you wanted for your life? What about your friends or family? Just because you took these wild risks and have had kids together doesn’t mean you have to stick this out forever.

    #1032232 Reply

    Eh, there are consequences to really bad decisions. Surprise, surprise. Good luck.

    #1032233 Reply

    With all the problems in your relationship, it is very difficult to understand why you would have a second child with this guy at this time. It really seems like you shouldn’t be with him now and likely will not be with him a year or two from now.

    #1032861 Reply

    I wanted to read your letter, but it was missing paragraph breaks. Formatting helps people read and understand.

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